Can't be bothered being nice to people anymore

[Seeyouinadarknight]

Not saying I'm going to start being rude, nasty or aggressive as that's not the answer, but I just feel like being nice gets you nowhere.

I do feel that I am intelligent, interesting and have a good sense of humour too, and people generally like me, but I seem to give off some kind of vibe.

It sounds petty but I've decided I'm going to not feel I always have to reply to people, because I am very used to people stopping replying to me in the middle of a conversation, and to being the only one who contacts them first.
It sounds dramatic but I'm going to stop replying to something that requires an answer and see if it changes anything.

I'm happy to help at work- colleagues in my team usually look to me for help, it might be in part because I'm older, some of them this is their first ever job. However sometimes I feel a bit taken advantage of and that they do like me, think I'm nice etc. But wouldn't go out of their way to spend time with me or anything.

I would say I'm sociable, I try to arrange things and I have a laugh with people at work.
This probably does make me sound bitter and petty but I'm just a bit down. There really is something to be said for not giving a damn and not having to try.

I don't need to be so quick to help colleagues all the time, for instance. I shouldn't care if they like me or not.

Im a nice person or so i think but i speak my mind more now has ive got older and im blunt and very honest.
I will not sugar coat anything and i could not care less what others think.
Ive become simple with words straight to the point no faffing.
No build up before i say something i get STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.
If im asked if i want to go out with mates i either say yes where what time or no i cant be bothered.

When you say people stop replying to you mid conversation, do you mean texting conversations? I’d take that as a hint that people don’t want to have long texting conversations or aren’t glued to their phones rather than a personal slight. If they keep replying to you and you keep asking more questions every time they do, where does it end?

I think it’s perfectly normal as a more senior colleague that junior colleagues look to you for help or advice with work without that meaning they should want to socialise with or spend time with you. Not everybody is interested in being friends with their colleagues, however sociable you are. You’re at work to get a job done, and collaboration is usually the best way to do that: deciding you’re not going to help or collaborate on work because your colleagues don’t want to spend time with you outside of work is a bit bonkers.

Being nice gets you everywhere. Being nice but expecting other people to repay your niceness on your terms and in a way you want it, doesn’t work.

Anything, social media, WhatsApp, Teams.
Can totally understand they don't wanna be glued to their devices, I don't either. Sometimes it's even them starting conversations, and I don't always reply immediately by any means..
I do get what you're saying about where does it end, sometimes our conversations do come to a natural end, and then it stops. Then eventually I might ask a question and they won't reply.

I know it's not the end of the world that they don't reply, but I don't know why I feel the need to always reply to their questions, in that case. I saw it as rude but honestly they don't care, nor should I.

Re the colleague thing, we do spend time together outside of work.
I don't expect everyone there to want to be friends, as I'm not with everyone either.
It's just that sometimes they ask me things like where they're sitting, well when I say sometimes I mean most days.
They can't be bothered to check themselves and they know I'll do it for them.
It sounds petty, initially I didn't mind but I think I'm going to start ignoring it, there's nothing stopping them checking their own desk number.

I like this way of thinking and I wish more people were like that.
I find it hard at work because you don't always know how people will react, and if something is taken the wrong way then you still have to work with these people every day, and things might be awkward.

You're not coming off well in your OP tbh

It's all very "I think I'm wonderful but then people dont want to be around me"

It can be quite overwhelming to have to constantly reply to someone.

And you start being standoffish at work and you'll be the one who gets it in the neck tbh

Not in the slightest, but ok.

Are you quite insecure in your interpersonal relationships / friendships? I think virtually everyone has a few friends who aren’t big texters or aren’t great at keeping up with message badminton – I know I do. But I don’t take that as anything other than them being bad texters, because I’m secure in my friendships, I know people really like me, and I don’t take their messaging habits as some sort of personal slight or their failure to see how nice I am. I get on with my life and my other friends knowing they’ll respond at some point and we can pick up then. It doesn’t cause me to get into a tailspin about them not giving me appropriate recognition or taking advantage of my niceness or make me think I need to be less nice because they don’t deserve it - which is a very transactional attitude and markers of insecurity in relationships.

I think you seem far too concerned about your relationships with your colleagues. You work with them, they aren't friends. Be cordial, help to an extent when appropriate, but other than that, don't worry about it. I certainly wouldn't make any effort to see these people outside of work, you see them enough all day.

I put YABU but purely because I picked up a bit of intended passive aggressive.

I'm 50, I dgaf if people like me at work (you're right that having the ability to let go of that is a key to happiness), I'm not there to make friends, although some work colleages i do now class as friends its not my main intention. I do my job well, I'm thorough, I'm polite, I'm jovial when theres time, I'm friendly and approachable at all times, I'm professional, I keep on task, I get the job done and don't do it half arsed leaving tasks incomplete or shoddy for others to pick up. I help when I can, I say when I can't, If I'm asked a question, I'll reply but aside from the initial chit chat I'll get straight to point and expect you then to toddle off on your way, there's no big goodbye, it's just "thanks for that" off I go, some things are higher priority than others, and if you're messaging me about something low priority then i'll tell you I'm busy and get back to what I was doing.

If I were to start being a bit of a dick, being a bit passive aggressive, "you've not done this so I'm not going to do that", ignoring people, talking down to them, not responding, tit for tat type shit - I'd expect that many around me would pick up on that. You say you give off a vibe, well that vibe will plummet if you start any tit for tat shit, in personal and professional. No need for passive aggressive, just set your own boundaries and don't rely on others to make yourself at peace with life/work.

It's not necessarily passive aggressive, just not caring as much.
Not feeling guilty if I don't reply or don't help, just being a bit more nonchalant sort of thing.
Just focusing on myself more.

Don’t take this the wrong way but you seem overly preoccupied with getting validation from people who aren’t your friends.

Your colleagues are your colleagues and it absolutely is helpful to get along with them professionally and one or two may become proper friends over time. But most of them are not and never will be friends. They are people you work with.

As long as the relationship is cordial and functional it doesn’t really matter how people sign off their text messages or WhatsApps. You are overthinking this. If you stop being courteous to them you will make yourself look weird so don’t do this. Just carry on being professional to them and stop expecting something which you aren’t really entitled to.

Totally know where you're coming from, op

From what I see, if you're nice people think they can take advantage

I do get what you mean and I probably am.
It's more that I need to stop feeling guilty for not replying to a message or for not helping, stuff like that.
I'm not expecting/entitled to things and this refers to friends outside of work too, I just need to be more casual and not so worried about being liked by them

I'm not meaning to sound rude or anything, I am suffering with depression ATM so things are really getting to me

Yet another ‘I’m so nice why is everyone else so horrible’ thread.

When I read these, I often sigh. Reading between the lines there’s always an expectation that other people should be willing to put in X amount of effort with them ‘because of everything I’ve done’, and anger when they don’t.

If you’re going around organising things, then good for you. It’s not a reciprocal act; people are not then honour bound to then arrange something themselves. And they’re not doing it to spite you either, it’s very likely because they’re busy or it’s just not their sort of thing. You should organise events because you want to, not with some petty tit-for-tat in mind or a social experiment to see who meets your exacting standards.

I find these posts to usually be indicative of somebody who is quite ‘intense’ and expects a level of reciprocity that is unrealistic in a casual friendship or acquaintance, then strops off to ‘concentrate on myself’ when it doesn’t happen. Like a child whose birthday party wasn’t exactly as they wanted so ‘nobody cares about me’

@Seeyouinadarknight

It sounds like you are a classic people pleaser and have been socialised to feel guilty if you are not “nice” all the time. It’s very common among women because we are brought up to think that maintaining relationships is our job.

I think firstly you need to take some time to think about why you feel compelled to be “nice” all the time. You likely have a deep seated sense that you need to do this to get people to like you. Well, you don’t.

Being “nice” is overrated as a social tactic: most people can sense that it’s not authentic and it doesn’t really work. Learning to say what you mean and ask for what you want (politely and respectfully) as opposed to going along with what others want will liberate you in lots of ways. People tend to respect you more and ironically will ultimately like you more.

In my experience the less one cares about what other people think, the more they are likely to think of you. Being nice rarely pays dividends. Don’t suddenly switch to being an absolute arsehole either. Just work on caring less about other people and what they want from you.

What is it you’re hoping to achieve with thus new approach op, as it doesn’t sound to me like you will care any less, just force yourself not to answer.

has something specifically kicked off this chain of thought?

I think I may know what you mean - there are some people who end up being the kind of maternal figures to younger people and everyone gets a bit lazy, thinks oh I’ll just ask that person rather than work it out myself. Yes, you should gently withdraw from this role.

I had a v organised bossy warm and grownup friend as a student and she always did all the adult stuff for her friends - ordering meals etc. she was just a natural leader but we let her be responsible and tbh I think it pissed her off after a while.

Definitely don’t worry about being liked. You can only know your own actions and motivations, if you know you always do the right thing, that’s the only reliable yard stick to measure yourself by.
No one really spends much time thinking about other people, everyone has their own problems, much like you with your depression.
if people don’t reply to a message, assume something is going on in their life, and just let it go. If no one is being horrible it’s just easier for you mentally to think they might have had a call from their dad to say he has fallen over and cut his head open or their electricity bill has just gone out of the bank WAY higher than expected and their attention was pulled away.
It’s like thinking people speeding on the motorway might be rushing to a dying relatives bedside and you feel sorry for them. It’s probably not true but it’s a nicer way to live for you.

Op have you seen your gp about this?

im not sure if you’re aware, but you’re posts are quite contradictory, on one hand you say they like you, but on the other you seem to think they don’t, or don’t care about you. It feels like a lot of normal interaction that you’re dealing with. Asking you a question for example. Something simple.

what is it you want specifically, ignoring people won’t make you care less. It will also make them less likely to help you.

is it possible this is maybe just your depression speaking?

How is thinking horrible things has befallen someone a nicer way to live??

Or they are rushing to their wife in labour. Something legitimate to speed for, so you wish them all the best. Not think they are selfish pigs driving dangerously for no good reason.

That sounded very wrong when you put it that way!

I get this, I wasn't bossy so much but people did get comfy with my natural way of being organised etc. They got used to it and also thought oh divergenttris will do it.
I got fed up with it and just started saying no.

OP I think your over thinking it and it's coming across a bit off. I do get what your trying to say/do but if you change your ways to much to soon it will come across as off.

Yes it really did, as everting you wrote was horrid..rushing to a dying one’s bedside, dad fallen over and head split open, electric bill so high and taking all their money!