DH ‘banter’ with woman we know

[GettingOnMyTits]

Just after some advice on a situation which might sound like a bit of a non-situation, but is causing me some annoyance.

My DH does a hobby that involves a lot of weekends away, I enjoy going along, so it’s become a bit of a family hobby and we have met a network of friends through it.
There’s a couple a similar age to us - the guy does the hobby and his GF often comes along. Increasingly my DH and this GF have been ‘bantering’ a lot in a way that looks to me like high school flirting - constant joke insults to each other etc. They were doing it a lot at a recent event, and now in the comments of a social media post. I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed by it. We rarely see them and don’t live nearby - I don’t think they’re about to embark on a steamy affair or anything, I just don’t want to feel (or look to others) disrespected. I never do similar with her partner, we have a laugh in the group in general but nothing like slinging joke insults at each other. We’re all late 30’s, for context - it’s all a bit silly.

My DH is very anti-cheating and I’m sure won’t view this as flirting, I think he would be horrified if someone actually came on to him. However, I feel he sometimes lacks respect for me in his actions, and is very defensive and dismissive when I bring up feelings that include any criticism of him, real or perceived. We haven’t been in a great place recently. So I’m hesitant to bring it up with him. As for the woman, I do like her apart from this and we do get on - but I can’t say I 100%, unreservedly like and trust her - she’s given me more than a few backhanded compliments and has been quite patronising to me on occasion - out of earshot of others. She’s very much a ‘one of the boys’ type, and from comments she’s made I get the impression she’s insecure in some ways.

What’s annoying is this hobby has a big yearly event in a hot country that they all went along to last year and stayed together in a villa, it’s in term time so I didn’t go as DS had started school, we’ve moved to a new area away from family this year so although I could possibly go along, with lots of family favours called in to come over to pick up DS from school and look after him all weekend, I’m not sure I can be arsed. It would mean me spending a few hundred quid on flights and relying on (his) family goodwill, plus potentially unsettling DS when he’s just moved up a class. However the idea of DH and this woman’s ‘banter’ going on all weekend with her in a bikini, and me stuck at home with DS, is making me feel pretty icky.

Many years ago I struggled with bad jealousy in my early relationships, now after healing trauma, building self confidence and DH being generally trustworthy I feel I’m well past that, so it’s horrible to feel that old familiar sinking feeling in my chest about this.

So, I’m asking for opinions. Please be kind!

YABU - verbal banter doesn’t cross any lines, you’d be controlling by bringing it up. Just concentrate on doing things that improve your own self confidence and let them get on with it. If it does get too much, her partner will soon notice.

YANBU - if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s not ‘nothing’ and it’s right to bring it up with DH, you shouldn’t have to hide how you feel about their actions. Best nip it in the bud before it potentially causes embarrassment.

Oh, and of course no solo holiday with the woman he fancies who's flirting with him. Unless you want this to progress.

YANBU, if only because it sounds as annoying as fuck and I couldn’t tolerate it simply for that reason. I’d speak to your DH and say exactly this, that it’s a bit annoying and cliquey and see what he does. I also think that the abroad bit is a bit OTT TBH, I don’t know of any guy with kids and a family who would do this.

Lol if by troll you mean anyone voting unreasonable and not just instantly siding with a woman having issue with her oh so terrible husband, then yes I'm the troll!

I agree with the others: your dh is either having an affair or well on the way to one.

You sound exhausted by this man: you change jobs, you do the childcare, you take a career hit, you live near his family and he doesn’t thank you, see you, acknowledge you, respect you? You don’t get out of this marriage what you put in.

Go back to work full time. Tell him to do his share of pickups and drop offs. Start living more independently. Because if he isn’t cheating with her he will with someone eventually and he will dump you—or you will dump him.

I am not at all anti male and do not expect husbands to cheat. But your description of your dh makes me very concerned for your marriage.

Thank you to everyone for the supportive and very perceptive comments.

Yes, there are much bigger issues than this situation, so it’s probably heightened my sensitivity to it. To clarify I do have hobbies of my own and do work full time plus in SE roles, but I’ve stepped back from more senior roles as I couldn’t handle these alongside being the default parent. His work and hobby/business venture always come first - i do bring it up often but he’s not receptive to changing the situation. Splitting up would make all of our quality of life most importantly DS’s immeasurably worse (I don’t have any family support), so I don’t see that as an option. All I can do is keep talking about it, as PP’s have said. It’s not nice to be in a situation that I’m not fully happy in and can’t seem to change, but I think it’s the best situation for now.

There’s zero percent chance of him not going on this trip, as it’s ‘work’ now, but as the whole group are there including her DP, and my DH doesn’t drink, the most likely scenario is either nothing happening or she/both of them looking foolish if it ramps up. I’d rather spend the money on a break with my own friends I think.

An update re this situation, he brought it up this morning and said while he doesn’t agree it’s flirting, it’s his job not to make me feel uncomfortable so will be more aware and will try to avoid it in future, diverting the conversation if it starts. This is more typical of the decent man that I married. Although I don’t like feeling like the jealous wife, I’m glad it brought it up rather than seething silently.

As the thread is getting busier, as it contains very identifying info and is quite personal I may delete, but huge thanks for the supportive comments ❤️

I'm a wee bit older than you and once you hit peri-menopause, you might see this situation with less equanamity than currently.

I would stop pussyfooting around him being able to swan about without thinking, make his life a wee bit more difficult as he needs to be treating you with respect. The less he respects you, the easier it is for him to move on.

Think carefully about getting the support you need and try to scaffold that in now, just in case. Good luck.

It's the definition of flirting, I'm afraid. If he won't admit that, I am dubious that he will do much to stop it.

Just be really sure, before you send him off on his own to potentially flirt with a woman he fancies, that you would be ok with it if they do progress to a physical affair, that you wouldn't regret stopping it while you had a chance.

Others being around won't stop it happening. Once it ramps up to a certain point - well - people have affairs under their partner's noses all the time.

And they might be going for plausible deniability pretending it's just "banter". Oh, you know those two, they're always kidding around they don't mean anything by it! Until they do.

Anyway, good luck, you sound like you have your head screwed on, hope it works out for you.

I think some men can be oblivious to women coming onto them in this sense. And no I’m not saying he shouldn’t take responsibility, but I think it’s worth you pointing it out to him first and then tell him you expect him to resolve it. How he then chooses to act will tell you what you need to know.

To me, this feels like she is competing with you for his attention. I know the type of thing you’re describing snd the type of person who does this.

I can't imagine what kind of job he does, that means he has to go on a beach/pool holiday with anyone that isn't you (you mention she will be in a bikini).

Are you going to check his phone? Huge mistake not to, in my opinion.

I will be honest I think the we wont make you uncomfortable anymore is because he/they have realised they are not being subtle at all. They are a but alarmed they are going to be found out.

@strangewomenlyinginponds Wtf..?! People are allowed to have different opinions you know and op did ask.

Okay so - people who SAY they are against cheating never cheat?

If only everybody knew that was the magic answer!

OP your DH may be a basically decent guy as you say but he doesn't sound very NICE to you. Couples counselling could be really beneficial here if you want to stay together - you don't have to be in dire trouble before you go.

I think I’ll leave you and your laughing emojis to it.

Excellent 🤣😅😂😆😁

I would speak to the "OW's" partner at the next meet up; just a casual "has anyone asked you about your GF's relationship with my DH? Because a few people have spoken to me about it, as they've seemed quite intimate at points and DH denies anything is going on, but I just wanted your take on it, especially before the trip?"

If the other guy isn't aware, or states that she's like that with everyone, at least he'll have his eyes on them a bit more (I'm presuming the BF is going on the trip?)

And if it causes a row between them, it'll be hard for your DH to then claim he's not doing anything wrong; hopefully they'll both rein it in a bit then.

If either the BF or the DH asks who mentioned it to you, you can flippantly say "who hasn't? They've been blatantly flirting for a while now, everyone who has eyes has noticed."

You throw their actions out into the harsh light of reality and watch it wither and die out there.

Wow. Can’t believe you’d even suggest that, how cringe. 😂

Good luck OP. I hope you've managed to nip this nonsense in the bud.

Why is it cringe? I wouldn't do it, but that's because the very first time this shit started I'd have talked to him about it within the hour.

Women are regularly told to be dignified and tolerant while indignities are heaped upon them.

What about it do you find cringy?

Yep, people are allowed to troll and I'm allowed to point it out, no idea why that response was deleted - imagine reporting that! 😅🤣😂

Oh I'd totally do that! Throw a little grenade in her marriage as a thanks for trying to upset mine.

They’ve been acting like a giddy new couple in public and on SM. I daresay that your H would not be impressed if the shoe were on the other foot.

@GettingOnMyTits, you addressed his hurtful behavior and gave him the opportunity to be honest, receptive and empathetic, yet his initial response was to belittle you. Although he later noted your discomfort and said he
‘will try’ to redirect the verbal playfulness, his denial of crossing the line into flirting and being flattered by her attention is disingenuous and does not bode well. I’m not sensing any true remorse that would ensure an iron-clad boundary in the face of temptation.

You say that the trip scenario will most likely be that (1) nothing happens or (2) they ramp up the public flirting and look foolish. I submit that (3) ramping up privately by finding cozy alone time or moving to inappropriate messaging is possible. [Actually, as brazen as they’ve been publicly and on SM, I would assume they’d already been messaging and would be investigating his phone.]

If he does distance from her, she will probably push back, question, and attempt to reconnect. I would ask him how he plans to handle that.

Good luck, OP.

I think making couples counseling a priority and returning to your career goals is highly advisable. You are describing a marriage that is running on fumes, or in a death spiral, and your DH doesn’t seem to know it. He only begrudgingly thinks of you and your needs/desires. He abandons you and your children for his selfish desires and makes you the default parent. He likes it like that. And you don’t.

You are going to get the same lack of care for the rest of the marriage if you can’t create more intimacy/joy/respect/affection in the marriage. It shouldn’t be something you have to work at. But apparently it is.

Take a hard look at your marriage. You deserve more than to be relegated to support staff.