Feeling bitter towards ex financially and emotionally (TW: termination)

[PandaMandy]

After our two-year anniversary in November, I took a positive pregnancy test. Despite shock, I felt happy about it. My partner confessed he'd recently realised he didn't want children after all. He feared it would change our relationship, our careers, everything. I own an apartment, while he lived with his family to save for a house. I've a stable career so I offered to go it alone.

I attended counselling sessions, public and private. Therapists warned me about "future faking" behaviours and advised me to trust my instincts, he took offence, refusing to be lumped in with other men. He continued telling me of our blissful future together. I don't know why but I booked the appointment, thinking he'd change his mind.

That morning I said I couldn't go through with it. He wailed, lashed out punching pillows, saying he would hate me for ruining his life. I don't know why I went through with it so please don't judge. I won't go into detail but taking the pills did not go well for me. We ended up having to ring the helpline who told us to call an ambulance. I really don't want to scare anyone reading this as I was just very unlucky. The midwife was horrible to me and told me I had wasted an ambulance.

My partner was kind at first but I was not myself. He left me six weeks later, after Christmas with his family. He lost patience with how upset I was in those weeks and kept saying we did the right thing. I've had multiple doctor appointments since this. I had womens health issues prior so this increased my risk of complications. It's been lonely, costly and I've missed a lot of work (unpaid time).

In February he apologised and wanted to get back together. We arranged to meet for dinner but he changed his mind, saying he was scared. He said he would pay towards my appointments and loss of income but I haven't heard from him since. I have also since started antidepressants to try help but I feel such bitterness that he is living life, moved on from everything, has no repercussions or financial costs. I know bitterness gets us nowhere in life but I just want to burst with rage towards him

Thanks if you read this far

I'm so so sorry for what you went through. I hope you have some support around you

Yanbu to feel however you feel towards this awful man. Can I ask why you are willing to get back with him?

I was willing to go back to him when he got in touch to apologise because I felt as though he was the only one who understand what had happened.

And maybe because then I hadn't given up the pregnancy for nothing

He's a fair weather partner and not in it for you as well as him.

Send him a bill for half the appointment costs and see if he pays any. If he pays something that’s a bonus. Don’t date him again. He’s awful.

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds really rough

This sounds horrendous, you've had two very stressful life events in a very short space of time and no one to support you through it. Its also relatively recent. So please don't judge yourself on how you're 'supposed' to be feeling. It's normal to feel anger when someone has let you down. If you don't feel like you are making any progress and still feel stuck in the same feelings in a few months then, for your own sake (not because he doesn't deserve it) maybe try some counselling to try and come to terms with things. Also agree with sending him half the bills on the off-chance he will pay. Although I wouldn't have any expectations of someone who shouts and hits pillows and tells their pregnant partner they will 'hate them for ruining their life so doubt he will pay

I think you need to reframe how you look at this.

You have had a lucky escape and in reality he has done you a favour. You deserve so much more than this pathetic, unfeeling coward. Better to find out what he is really like now, rather than 10yrs down the line.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but now you will be able to find a kind, loving man who wants to have children and will support you through it. Future you will look back on this moment and realise that everything worked out for the best.

Stay away from that man;even a therapist warned you off him.

I have thought of sending him a breakdown of the costs. Think it's about 3000 so far and more to come. Just feels a bit pathetic to chase him for this!

Send him the bill . You didn’t create this situation on your own. As others have said he’s an estate of skin, you deserve better.

What you've been through is utterly shite OP. Think of it this way, if it helps, you're not tied to this man for the next 18 years, you owe him nothing

And if you're in the UK, doesn't this fall under the heading of pregnancy related, and thereby protected somewhat (in relation to wages and time off)? I'm sure someone with more knowledge could clarify that though

He's never going to pay OP so you have to weigh up if it's worth it for you to reopen the dialogue with him. It may trigger some feelings

Of course you're bitter, that's ok

I'm so sorry, this sounds traumatic.

This is hard and will be hard to get through, but you will get through it.

Think about a future happy version of you where all this is in the past, where he js long behind you and you have a bright outlook without someone like that weighing you down.

I don't think he would pay and I can imagine him playing the victim

I am heading towards 40 so I am very worried that was my only chance and I still don't know why I listened to him that morning but I hated seeing him punching the pillow/begging me

You made the best decision you could at the time. His behaviour was emotionally manipulative and he wasn’t giving you the space to consider your own feelings. Be gentle with yourself.

I would want him to pay half out of anger and bitterness and a sense of justice. But if you can afford to walk away. Do that and don’t look back.

Thank you. I can afford it if I miss holidays/luxuries so I feel injustice at him having nice holidays etc. Feels weird men can just walk away from these things without any feelings

Maybe have a go at getting him to pay something but don’t let it consume you. And as soon as you’ve decided to cut contact block him. You don’t need to see him twatting around all over social media.

Yeah, he went to Vietnam for his 40th in March and I couldn't help but look at his SM. I have since blocked him

I'm really sorry OP.

I think you did the best thing, I know that probably doesn't help how you feel but I have a child with a man who is not interested in parenting and have seen the effect it can have on the child. It's not nice and I wouldn't ever encourage having a child in that scenario.

I hope you can find peace in what has happened. 💐

I'm sorry for you and your child @Beezknees. I'm sure you're doing a great job. My Dad wasn't in my life either but Mums are superheroes!

I also didn't have a Dad growing up but it did lead to counselling/insecure attachments with men so maybe your little one would have had similar issues Op. You and your little one would have deserved a good man who stood by you, not this idiot

I don't think that anger's a bad thing in these circumstances. I would say that it's justified. However, there is no point being angry unless you tell him exactly how he has made you feel.

In fairness, don't lament the loss of your relationship. You would have certainly have packed him in in a few months once you were feeling less vulnerable and realised that he wasn't for you.

He's entitled to not want children. That being the case, he should have made that clear from the start of your relationship and used contraception. I've come across men like this before. They are immature and not ready to face the world. It doesn't help that he still lives at home. Then, suddenly one day, despite having never wanted children, they meet someone else and then end up having them.

You were obviously on different paths. Look after your mental health. You've been through a lot.

Yeah he said he did but once the test was positive he didn't want them now (at 39 years of age 🤔) but kept saying 'one day we will, it'll make more sense in the future and we can plan etc. etc.' I will never understand why I listened

Be kind to yourself OP. You made the best decision you could at the time. Would looking at options to use a sperm donor be an option? It is totally understandable you feeling angry and hurt, he really was appalling.

My fertility will need more treatment soon but down the road I am hopeful about using a donor. I won't conceive naturally again anyway so I've accepted that intervention will be needed one day (I've already looked at the lovely Danish men who donate to my clinic and felt hopeful!)