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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say BIL gift was an afterthought?

46 replies

baraahp24 · 08/05/2024 10:52

My in-laws have never bothered too much with me. I’m the wrong nationality/wrong religion/the one who stole their darling boy away from them etc etc.

After many years of trying I stopped bothering too much with them also. This has been fairly easy as they live abroad.

One BIL is the best of the bunch and has made the most effort. However, a recent present from him has me divided. He sent gifts for each of us. For DH and DS they were thoughtful. For me, however, I received a random regifted book. This was obvious in that written on it was something along the lines of “Dear BIL name. Thanks for all your hard work on the photos of the launch. Best regards, Susan”. He had received the signed book as a thanks along with payment for his photography work.

This made me laugh and I’m not upset at all, but DH is annoyed and claims this is a thoughtful and special gift. I could see this being the case if it was an author I liked or a topic I liked, but my thoughts are that this is obviously an afterthought. He doesn’t want it so gave it to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FlameTulip · 08/05/2024 10:54

Of course it's a re gift! DH is deluded to think it's not.

Arlanymor · 08/05/2024 10:55

He’s given you a signed book. He could have kept it, but gave it to you.

Cathbrownlow · 08/05/2024 11:00

He obviously did not want the book that was given to him, with his name in it, so he offloaded it onto you. No ambiguity there.

edited because I left out a word originally

Elephantswillnever · 08/05/2024 11:04

I’ve never really expected much more than a token gift from in-laws so this wouldn’t bother me. I’d prefer a book to the Baylis and Harding gift sets they like to give me. Keep it if you like it/ charity shop if you don’t.

desperatedaysareover · 08/05/2024 11:11

If it was re-gifted by him because he thought it was a particularly apt choice of book for you, even if he was wrong, it would have been wiser of him to have explained the context of the giving. Otherwise a book with a dedication to the giver does risk looking like an error/afterthought.
Not sure your husband is right to be annoyed, because I think a lot of people would agree it feels a bit careless. Your DH wants to think the best of his brother. Suppose if you judge BIL and his intentions by his previous conduct, and believe he thinks well of you, it’s harder to imagine he didn’t think of you at all.

PollyPeeves · 10/05/2024 06:18

Arlanymor · 08/05/2024 10:55

He’s given you a signed book. He could have kept it, but gave it to you.

It's been signed by the person who gifted it to her BIL. I don't think OP means signed by the author.

MyspecialMug · 10/05/2024 07:09

The fact he thought of you, and gave you this book is kind.
He probably had no idea of what to get you, and thought you might like the book.
He included you. If he had sent a present to only your DH & DS then you'd feel he didn't care.
I take it book as a positive step. Maybe he realises the issues with other family and doesn't want to be part of it. He wants to be involved and have a good relationship with his brother and his family.

HcbSS · 10/05/2024 09:15

I would be sending it straight back on his next birthday. I loath thoughtless regifting.

SpeakinginTongues · 10/05/2024 09:26

You’re being silly, and appear to be actively seeking out reasons for offence. Most IL gifts are thoughtless, standard and unimaginative. I’m quite fond of mine, but I’ve been getting cheap scarves in colours I absolutely never wear, Boots toiletries sets etc for 30 years, when I would be perfectly happy with a book token.

WoodBurningStov · 10/05/2024 09:28

Your dh thinks it's thoughtful? Can he explain why the thinks that?

It was a promotional book given to your BIL, and it's even been written in. I wonder if your BIL didn't realise and thought he'd get away with it.

WoodBurningStov · 10/05/2024 09:29

HcbSS · 10/05/2024 09:15

I would be sending it straight back on his next birthday. I loath thoughtless regifting.

Edited

I like this, give it back to him for his birthday (yes I am petty)

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/05/2024 09:31

MyspecialMug · 10/05/2024 07:09

The fact he thought of you, and gave you this book is kind.
He probably had no idea of what to get you, and thought you might like the book.
He included you. If he had sent a present to only your DH & DS then you'd feel he didn't care.
I take it book as a positive step. Maybe he realises the issues with other family and doesn't want to be part of it. He wants to be involved and have a good relationship with his brother and his family.

He regifted her something he didn't want, not sure how this is kind

Shinyandnew1 · 10/05/2024 09:33

DH is annoyed and claims this is a thoughtful and special gift.

I don’t understand this. Who is he annoyed at? You for laughing and thinking it was a regift? His brother?

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/05/2024 09:34

I don't give gifts to my in-laws and I don't receive them from them. I wouldn't be too bothered if I was sent a book in a bag with a present for my husband etc.

I'd see it that he wasn't giving you a gift. He was passing something on to you that he thought you might be interested in.

What was the occasion to send all 3 of you gifts?

Mumdiva99 · 10/05/2024 09:55

For what reason did he send you gifts?

Sunnyandsilly · 10/05/2024 09:56

Annoyed at who, you for laughing and slagging off the gift or him for giving it in the first place?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 10/05/2024 09:57

Well, your DH is being obtuse, for what reason I can only guess as clearly he knows you can read.

I'm in your camp - I wouldn't be offended, you don't have much to do with each other after all - but your husband's behaviour is bizarre.

swayingpalmtree · 10/05/2024 09:58

WoodBurningStov · 10/05/2024 09:29

I like this, give it back to him for his birthday (yes I am petty)

Show quote history

This is what I would do. I'd rather have no gift at all (which is fine by me, I dont expect gifts) than someone offloading their unwanted crap to me under the guise of a present.

ManyATrueWord · 10/05/2024 10:00

Obvious regift. If he had valued it and wanted you to have it specifically it would have said something like "I was given this and loved it, and hoped you would too."

Nuttyputty · 10/05/2024 10:59

I dont understand how your husband thinks its a thoughtful gift???

caringcarer · 10/05/2024 10:59

Straight to charity shop.

WestEndWindy · 10/05/2024 11:07

I would just be amazed if my BIL gave me anything at all.

NoThanksymm · 10/05/2024 14:40

You got a signed copy of a book he received as payment.

you’d prefer he spent his other form of payment to buy a unsigned less valuable book?

this could’ve been the sweetest present. If there is any chance he thought you might like it - then it was. Maybe he just missed the mark this time.

plus a book can be read more than once!

Mostlycarbon · 10/05/2024 15:03

I would give him a second hand book for his next birthday and write a ridiculous message in it. "To dear Winifred with fondest memories of your most imaginative use of a corkscrew. That night will stay with me forever, Giles."

In fact, I would do that for the rest of his birthdays and make them increasingly silly.

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/05/2024 15:13

DH is annoyed and claims this is a thoughtful and special gift.

I am serious when i say this...
For your DHs birthday pick a random book off the shelf wrap it and give it to him.
Tell him its a special and thoughtful gift.

What An asshat

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