Addicted to weed

[Dogmum47]

My partner is a heavy weed smoker. All day everyday. Can't leave the house without a joint or will be in a foul mood. He swings from hot and cold even while smoking the stuff (ie not in withdrawal). He's always smoked since I met him and somehow I never realised how big a problem it was until recent years. I have always hated the stuff and I'm so embarrassed by it, worried people can smell it off of me or think I smoke it. He always says he isn't addicted and it isn't a problem, he's just needs it to sleep. But I know he cannot stop and I think if I ever gave him an ultimatum he would pick the weed over me.

I think I feel I can't bring it up or ask for him to stop as I accepted that he did this when I got with him. I'm not sure if it is causing major issues in our relationship or not but I hate it now. He's also lazy and stays up til all hours but not sure if that's the weed habit or just him. AIBU to think there's no future here is there?

Cut your losses - it will only frustrate you more. I had a boyfriend a long time who gradually upped his intake to this level. He defended it constantly “it’s better for you than alcohol” and saying it did no harm at all, that you couldn’t overdose on it, it helped him sleep, it wasn’t hurting anyone, it didn’t affect him. it wasn’t the really strong stuff, it was lovely mellow cuddly weed etc etc.

He’d get up at lunchtime, not go to bed til 4 or 5am and literally couldn’t go a single day without it. I found it soul destroying to watch. Nice guy but weak. I left him. He’s undoubtedly got a vape tucked into his sleeve 24/7 these days.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. Chuck him in the bin where he belongs and move onto a life that doesn’t stink forever!

I smoked quite a lot of weed from age 17-22 and I honestly think it precipitated a decade or more of mental health problems. I want to weep now at the thought of all the time I wasted in an apathetic fog, not to mention the anxiety and paranoia that hamstrung my career development and relationships. I've never met anyone who genuinely functions well with a weed habit, however much they think it's all fine. My only advice is to get out now before he drags you down with him.

Run for the hills. It's not gonna get any better

If you really hate the smell and are embarrassed to be associated with it even by association, then the relationship is clearly not going to work. You could ask him to quit, but as you say he probably won't. It is possible to stop, it's not physically addictive. But if he smokes it with tobacco then he'll be addicted to that. I do smoke weed personally. I don't think anyone would want to be with me if they were very against it, so I totally understand your feelings.

Kindly, what are you getting from this relationship? Does he contribute anything in terms of money, running the household? What's your position in terms of breaking it off, can you leave? Are there children? There are lots of people on here who can advise on how to leave whatever your situation.
Perhaps less kindly, I'm afraid you will also stink of weed if you live with a heavy smoker, and while you may have gone nose blind to it, everyone around you will know. Sorry.

If he sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle and has no intention of stopping, then he can't offer you a fulfilling life and partnership. Do you have kids? Can you imagine having kids in a house full of weed? Doing all the work because you can't trust him to look after them? School wondering why they stink of cannabis. Then he will inevitably get chronic disease due to a lifetime of smoking and you will have to nurse him through that and lose him early and explain all that to your kids.

Maybe you leaving will give him the shock he needs to sort himself out.

Yanbu I’d say there’s no future together there

To those asking no kids involved. Wondering if that's why it has started to become such a big deal to me as I start to think about having kids as I'd never want them raised in that environment.

@MustDust also quite tight in terms of money but he does have a good enough job which has enabled us to buy a decent home together. He doesn't do much in terms of household either if I am fully honest.

Put yourself first and get rid of him.

Of course there’s no future. Whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t bring a child into this.

You can’t continue like this . You are clearly unhappy . Sit and think - can you honestly see yourself living this life forever ?

I am the wife of an alcoholic . The way you feel about this , I felt about alcohol . I was unhappy and thought the same as you - he would choose the alcohol over me. I just accepted that was my life and settled. Like you - I was embarrassed. It got worse and I couldn’t take it anymore , so I gave the ultimatum.

He didn’t choose the alcohol , he chose me . If anything , he has said that deep down he knew it was a problem and he didn’t know how to address it . He got help and he’s now almost 6 months sober . He is a different person , our marriage is so healthy and happy now . He is happier - he’s like a different person . All of his good parts , that were snippets before , that’s now him all the time .

If he had chose alcohol , I would have left . I just couldn’t live like it anymore . I am painfully aware that addiction is life long , there is of course a chance that he will fall off the wagon and sometimes I worry that the happiness I have now is temporary because I know if he goes back then we are over and I honestly adore him . But , in all honesty , with each passing day I get more secure that he is off it for good as he genuinely doesn’t seem to miss it .

There is a view of weed being more innocent - it’s a calm drug , it’s not addictive but that’s just not true , of course it’s addictive - all these people that smoke it and say how good it is and it’s better than alcohol , I bet they couldn’t just stop. Addiction is addiction . Not that he ever has but I know my husband couldn’t start smoking it , as it would just be another addiction to replace the alcohol .

Please put yourself first - if he won’t choose you over the weed then you deserve better than that and if he can’t choose you over it , it’s clearly an addiction .

@Justnavigating thanks for sharing your perspective really helpful. I'm glad for you that your husband was able to make that change. Maybe I need to confront it and be willing to walk away if nothing changes. I just worry I am almost unfair to now suddenly not be okay with something he has always done but really the alternative is me leaving anyway.

Has the smoking increased since you met him?
What happens when you go on holiday abroad?

@DaftFlerken yes as he changed job and went from working in office all day and now works remotely so can smoke all day long. When we go on holiday he would just smoke cigarettes instead. However there's been occasions on holiday where he has been rude and probably what would be considered nasty towards me on holiday.

I felt the same . That I couldn’t just decide I didn’t like it any more . But the more I thought about it and realised he had an addiction , I realised that by just accepting it I was enabling him - which wasn’t good for him either .

Talk to him about it but unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to stop smoking cannabis. Good luck. I don't think it sounds like a good environment for you long-term. Is there a reason you accepted it in the first place?

I knew someone like this. All the usual lines - "less harmful than tobacco" etc - ignoring the fact that he smoked it with tobacco. The smoke from the unfiltered tobacco alone was horribly acrid.
He struggled to be 'normal' without his constant fix. Spent most of his money on it. The house stank - every surface drenched in brown stain. Affected his mental health but he couldn't see his own psychosis or whatever it was. Made my life a misery for a while with his unhinged behaviour and, I believe, it contributed to his early death.
I've no time for all the 'victimless crime' nonsense. It's harmful. It's addictive. People who use it can't see the damage it does. I couldn't be around someone who shows such poor judgement and selfish stupidity.

Ignore the apologists who no doubt will be along shortly.

@Angelsrose I'm not sure, I think I was naive. It didn't bother me that much as he never used to do it all day just evenings and I didn't really think it affected his personality (as that's what he told me too). I can see now that some of his negative traits stem from this and it's also different as I now live with him and have the impact on my home and belongings.

I would address is with him OP. Like you said, he did it when you met him so you can't really tell him to stop but you can speak to him about cutting down.

My DH smokes but just in the evening after a day at work & not excessively, he went through a short faze of smoking heavily in the evening until I spoke with him about it & he cut right back again.

I think of it as someone who has a couple of beers after work is fine but it's not ok when they are drinking all day.

I can't see a happy future for you here OP. You are already somewhat at the mercy of his moods, and you are right not to bring a child in to this environment.

He isn't willing to recognise that he has a problem, which means he isn't going to take steps to change. He may well never do so (and I wouldn't waste time waiting around for this). Aside from smoking weed, he is nasty to you. That alone is enough reason to call time on things.

Personally, I would leave and take my chance at a brighter, happier future with a kind, supportive partner (who I can have a fantastic time with on holiday). You are young and free- go and enjoy your life.

Please value yourself more than this.

From the long term weed smokers I've known over the years (had a lot of friends in construction where smoking small amounts throughout the day seemed rife) I genuinely believe that it has a cumulative effect. IE it doesn't seem to cause any obvious issues at first but over time people seem to stagnate and as you mention, are snappy without it to boot. I'm sorry but I don't see this getting any better, especially if he's content with this lifestyle and not interested in changing it. You don't need to settle for this.

@DaftFlerken that is true although I'm just not sure he will be able to moderate it. He had a bit of a health scare 2 years ago and did stop for nearly a month but then had 1 joint (because I had stressed him out apparently) and gradually went back up to this level so I think it's all or nothing type thing.

OP@Dogmum47 he’s an addict …so there’s absolutely no need to feel bad about ending this relationship …it’s going to bring more negatives than positives if he’s unable to stop. Why would you ever choose to have kids with an addict?