Was this a form of domestic abuse?

[user666555]

*Please can I have no outright rude/disrespectful comments on this post. It's a sensitive one.

Hello,

So just for some background I'm from a south Asian background and upon getting married to my DH I moved in with him and his family. (This is quite normal in our culture). We didn't have an arranged marriage. We found each other, fell for each other then decided to get married.

Fast forward, after marrying him, I started to realise things were a bit off with his family. I decided not to dwell on the negatives but as time went on things got worse and now that I look back I'm sure it was a form of domestic abuse. But I find it crazy to think that this could happen to me because I was brain washed into thinking that it's all a part of our culture and this is just how things are.

1. His dad made me change my Whatsapp settings so that he can see when I'm last online and he made me turn on my read receipts so the ticks turn blue when I've read a message. Prior to this my WA settings were so no one could tell when I'm online or read a message as sometimes I tend to reply to messages a little later.

1. His mum would tell me what I can and can't wear

1. I fell at work and had a minor fracture on my ankle. Went to the hospital etc. His family refused to believe that this happened and said I was lying and that I had to start doing housework etc as normal.

1. My DP's Nan passed away and I had kidney stones around a month later. In the Asian culture when someone passes away friends and family visit regularly to pay their respect. During the whole month I was serving these guests but towards the end I had awful backache. One of the days was on the day they held weekly prayers for my DP's Nan but I was in excruciating pain. I needed to go to hospital (didn't know it was kidney stones at this point) my FIL told me I can't go because of what people will think and I later found out my MIL was telling people I faked the kidney stones. I helped throughout the month. Just at the end I felt unwell. I later found out that I also miscarried during this time.

1. A few weeks after the kidney stone incident my FIL told me to come downstairs. He told me to switch off my phone and told me to get a pen and paper. He then told me to write 'what makes a good daughter in law' and 'what makes a bad daughter in law' and read it out. He then told me to tell him which of these traits I have and which ones I lack. He said being 'unwell' 'all the time' isn't what makes a good DIL and that they're not going to provide sympathy for me. He said I needed to be more resilient and get on with it.

1. My FIL asked me if I could put their mortgage on my name as his credit and my MIL's credit isn't great. I said no and he was angry and upset and said I didn't consider them my own family.

1. I'd have to spend 6/7 days cooking or cleaning. If I didn't everyone would start giving me dirty looks and start being passive aggressive (except for DP).

1. My MIL would always say I have to do certain things (like be home when my FIL's friends are coming over) as it looks bad if I'm not there to serve them.

1. When I was pregnant with my DD I developed tachycardia during my pregnancy. My husband would say to my MIL and FIL that I need to take it easy and my MIL would ignore that. She didn't want to accept that there could be anything wrong with me. She'd say I need to keep active so I labour well later.

10. When I was pregnant my MIL would smoke in the car. It felt like a power trip because I couldn't say anything as it was her car.

11. My PILs would expect me to cook and clean during pregnancy for their guests.

12. My MIL would get her daughters to snoop in our room when we weren't home.

13. My SIL's and MIL would listen to mine and DP conversations outside our room.

14. My PIL would feel like they can tell me when I can go and see my family. I never listened anyway and this would cause tension. I'd see them for around a week every 3/4 months. Not sure why that's an issue.

15. My MIL made my whole pregnancy about her. She'd go on about how she's unwell and she needs attention and she can't do anything anymore as she'll be grandma and should leave my baby with her and take over the whole house's responsibility.

16. They'd try to control my finances

DH and I have now moved out. They've gone NC with me because I went to see my family a few weeks ago and didn't go there and take my DD to say bye. I'm sad that I tried to hard to please them and I feel angry at myself for putting up with the above but I honestly thought some of it was what was expected of a DIL.

There's a lot more. But this was domestic abuse wasn't it? I think I need to accept it properly for what it was.

But this was domestic abuse wasn't it?

It certainly was and you've acted in your best interests. I wish you all happiness from this point on!

Yes, from what you have said this was domestic abuse and I am so sorry you went through that.
I hope you, your DH and your DD have a very happy future away from these cruel people.

Oh op, yes, that very much was domestic abuse, very controlling and nasty, to the point your health was affected! I'm sorry you went through this. Very good news that they have decided to go NC with you, take that gift, and don't let them back in.
Is your husband kind and supportive? I guess he may have had to live with their behaviour too, and may not recognise it for what it was. How are they towards him? Have you spoken about it at all with him?

I’m afraid so, it sounds very very controlling and I’m sorry you went through that. I’m glad you got away and it’d be best I think if you remained nc. X

Yes it was. I am Asian and I would never put up with that. Sadly too many Asians mistreat their DILs. We don't have to put up with that shit anymore.

That sounds horrifically abusive. Why didn’t your DH step in to stop this? I realise there are cultural issues, but it’s a human instinct to prevent someone you love being abused.

He bloody well should have. About time abuse was not disguised as culture.

I agree - that’s what I’m saying - it’s a human thing not a cultural thing. I just wanted to fend off any responses saying “ah but it’s cultural, he wouldn’t get involved”. Because it’s part of our humanity to protect those we love and not see them abused - he was in a position to prevent it.

sorry didn't mean to dig at you @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing. Crossed wires perhaps.

Sorry forgot to mention that DP did used to step in but a lot of this happened when he used to be at work. At the start he didn't believe me because he was brain washed into thinking I'm trying to cause issues within their family. Soon after, he saw right through it and they'd wait till he wasn't home. When he was home and it happened when he'd stick up for me he'd be told to 'shut up' and stop being my lawyer. He'd also be told that if he doesn't like how things are then we should move out (which we did). But DP did initially have a stage of denial but he did take a stand and we moved out as he tried talking it out and nothing changed.

He was abused too. He's coming to terms with it. He wasn't allowed to have his own car. Had to share with his mum so they could keep tabs on where we're going. When he got his own car they were annoyed and we got the silent treatment. His dad told him initially if he wanted to move out it would have to be that we move next door and still have meals together. He was controlled a lot growing up. Now that he's broken that cycle it's apparently my fault and I've changed him. I used to feel guilty but I've realised it's not right and that he should be allowed to be his own person. He'd always get guilt tripped with the 'you're our only son' but he started to see through it after the initial denial period.

Glad you have moved out. Did you know there is also a S Asian forum here. You may get advice there from people in your situation.

I dont believe in joint families and I would never live in one myself. Easier said than done I know.

@Lentilweaver thank you. I used that forum previously when this all first started and there wasn't much input on it.

At that time I wanted to be the perfect DIL etc and I was told that I have to earn their respect and that everyone has to go through this to earn that respect. Now that I'm a mum a lot has changed. I don't have much tolerance for it anymore as it's not just me that it impacts now. I have a daughter to think about too.

But I feel a lot of anger, upset and almost as though I've been cheated on. Like I gave so much to that relationship with them to realise they weren't who they made out they were.

100% it was abuse

Glad you are out of it and your DH has escaped too

Wishing you all the best in the future - stay strong, they were definitely in the wrong

Wow OP, you poor thing. You didn’t deserve that and I am so glad you have moved out to your own place! I really hope that you and your DH remain a strong unit, as you said you were both abused and are coming to terms with it.

Have you looked into some therapy or even a relaxing hobby, yoga etc. You deserve some ‘me time’.

I’m so happy for you and your DC that you don’t have to live in that environment anymore!

Fuck. That. OP I applaud you for recognising and getting yourself out of that. I wish you the very best for your future.

This kind of family and ‘culture’ is outdated and bloody dangerous.

@loropianalover thank you. I feel like it's changed me as a person. I feel like it's also changed our marriage. I feel a lot of anger inside me and I feel really hurt. I feel like it's changed me as a person. I feel paranoid.

After I had my baby, a had a small glimmer of hope thinking that maybe they'd change. I had a c-section and struggled with recovery. They said they wanted to see her and I couldn't get up properly to go and let them in from outside (where we stayed previously had a fob system and the intercom wasn't working so I had to go out and let them in which meant I'd have to wrap DD up and go out in December whilst in a lot of pain from c-section). I had a spare fob/key and I said they can use it on the days they come to 'help' or see her.

A few days after I gave them the fob, I was having a nap whilst my DD slept. I then got woken up by them standing in front of me because I didn't answer my phone so they thought they'd come and see what happened. It could've been out a place of care as I just had a baby but personally I wouldn't walk into someone's house without their consent. I'd also put two and two together and think she's on strong painkillers with a newborn she's probably having a nap.

It also happened that they happened to turn up with I had a midwife/HV check up after having DD and instead of leaving and giving us privacy, they stood in the doorway and listened to the conversation. The midwife wrote that she felt my in laws were somewhat controlling and that she felt that I didn't feel comfortable talking around them. (I saw this on my notes on the NHS app).

Anyways, there was this other instance where my DP's cousin was getting married and his mum wanted us to go together. DP didn't want to go with them so lied and said we're going to see one of my relatives beforehand (the wedding was in Birmingham). I believe they knew DP was lying and followed us onto the motorway to then have my SIL send a picture of the back of our car and say I thought you went to see your relatives in Birmingham. Could've said you didn't want to take us because we said we were already there and heading to the wedding venue. The point is they would've had to follow our car to check if we were leaving from where we live because they wouldn't have saw our car on the motorway unless they followed us

When we then moved to our place now when my MIL asked me where we moved to, I told her a generic idea of where it was. The day we moved and they decided to come and see the place, they knew exactly where it was without me or DP giving them the address. Again, I feel as though she went to check the place out a few days before when we told her we were moving

The point I'm trying to make is I feel paranoid and angry.

I do feel like I could probably benefit from therapy but I'm scared

They sound absolutely awful OP, and unhinged.

Its definitely abuse, and you need to be able to access counselling to het through these feelings it’s naturally left you with

Yes it was abuse. This image is helpful in understanding abuse. I’d recommend engaging in therapy and self esteem work as a starting point to overcoming this. The book overcoming low self esteem is a great place to start.

This sounds absolutely horrific. So glad you're out of that god awful environment and hopefully enjoying a normal family life now!

@Nicole1111 thank you for this diagram. Can definitely relate to a lot of the behaviours listed on there.

I'd like to start therapy but I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of but I just feel anxious about it

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing it was awful.

I definitely feel like I need therapy but I don't know where to start.

Ohh you poor love.

Re: knowing where you live without being told - get someone to check there (a) isn't an airtag in the car and (b) make sure your phones aren't set to share location with them, not just generally but in Whatsapp etc.

Would you consider counselling? It sounds like DH could do with some too.

Sending a hug xx

💐@user666555

Yes,100% this was domestic abuse (I'm a former police officer fwiw).

You should be so proud of yourself for leaving. What huge strength of character that shows! I'm so, so pleased that your husband has backed you up on this. However, be careful to watch this. It's not my intention to scare you but I'd like you to be 100% sure he's left and come with you because he recognises how awful his parents are and wants to support you and not because he has some misguided notion of honour that means he won't let you 'run off' without him. Be alert for him minimising his parents' behaviour. He's had a lifetime of it and may process things on a very different timescale which could hinder your own recovery.

It may help to have someone independent to talk to. There are various organisations out there who can offer advice. It doesn't have to progress to counselling unless you want it to.

Do you have your own family or friends for support?

It's natural to be fearful of counselling. Many people are scared it will force them to confront issues that are too painful or not ready to face. A good counsellor will set the pace guided by you and not push you too far too soon.

Good luck for the future!

@Resilience thank you for taking the time out to give such a detailed response.

I'm mindful of whether he minimises their behaviour. At the start that was exactly what he did. But upon speaking to other people outside of his immediate family he began to realise that a lot of what his family do or tell him is wrong. He had to unlearn what they've told him (they come first, he should put them before his wife, women just brainwash you etc). He's very aware of the fact that if I believe that he is singing to their tune I'll be gone. I was stupid enough to stay in that house with them for just over two years thinking that I'd win them over but I'm definitely not going to put my daughter through anything like that. If I was to suspect anything odd about him, I'd call it a day. I'd rather be separated and be happy as opposed to be together and have a hostile and unhealthy environment for our daughter and he is very aware of this.

With that being said, I do believe that he truly acknowledges that their behaviour is wrong and he is putting his own family first (our daughter and me). Ironically his mum called the other day to 'host a meal for us' even though they're not talking to me. She then said it's for another relative too. They're going to be there too. After doing some digging he found out his dad's friends are coming over and his mum is probably just calling us over so that I can slave away like I've always done. He put his foot down and told her we're not coming and that she doesn't even speak to me so why would I go over?

He definitely needs therapy too, he's realised his whole childhood is a lie. He's been controlled and belittled. Almost decision of his has been controlled by them. He's cried about it many times. Sad really

@MedievalNun I would consider counselling. Not sure where to start but I think I'd benefit from it.

We've deep cleaned everything when we moved. Checked everything over to ensure this isn't the case. Even he's suspected this before