Was this a form of domestic abuse?

[user666555]

*Please can I have no outright rude/disrespectful comments on this post. It's a sensitive one.

Hello,

So just for some background I'm from a south Asian background and upon getting married to my DH I moved in with him and his family. (This is quite normal in our culture). We didn't have an arranged marriage. We found each other, fell for each other then decided to get married.

Fast forward, after marrying him, I started to realise things were a bit off with his family. I decided not to dwell on the negatives but as time went on things got worse and now that I look back I'm sure it was a form of domestic abuse. But I find it crazy to think that this could happen to me because I was brain washed into thinking that it's all a part of our culture and this is just how things are.

1. His dad made me change my Whatsapp settings so that he can see when I'm last online and he made me turn on my read receipts so the ticks turn blue when I've read a message. Prior to this my WA settings were so no one could tell when I'm online or read a message as sometimes I tend to reply to messages a little later.

1. His mum would tell me what I can and can't wear

1. I fell at work and had a minor fracture on my ankle. Went to the hospital etc. His family refused to believe that this happened and said I was lying and that I had to start doing housework etc as normal.

1. My DP's Nan passed away and I had kidney stones around a month later. In the Asian culture when someone passes away friends and family visit regularly to pay their respect. During the whole month I was serving these guests but towards the end I had awful backache. One of the days was on the day they held weekly prayers for my DP's Nan but I was in excruciating pain. I needed to go to hospital (didn't know it was kidney stones at this point) my FIL told me I can't go because of what people will think and I later found out my MIL was telling people I faked the kidney stones. I helped throughout the month. Just at the end I felt unwell. I later found out that I also miscarried during this time.

1. A few weeks after the kidney stone incident my FIL told me to come downstairs. He told me to switch off my phone and told me to get a pen and paper. He then told me to write 'what makes a good daughter in law' and 'what makes a bad daughter in law' and read it out. He then told me to tell him which of these traits I have and which ones I lack. He said being 'unwell' 'all the time' isn't what makes a good DIL and that they're not going to provide sympathy for me. He said I needed to be more resilient and get on with it.

1. My FIL asked me if I could put their mortgage on my name as his credit and my MIL's credit isn't great. I said no and he was angry and upset and said I didn't consider them my own family.

1. I'd have to spend 6/7 days cooking or cleaning. If I didn't everyone would start giving me dirty looks and start being passive aggressive (except for DP).

1. My MIL would always say I have to do certain things (like be home when my FIL's friends are coming over) as it looks bad if I'm not there to serve them.

1. When I was pregnant with my DD I developed tachycardia during my pregnancy. My husband would say to my MIL and FIL that I need to take it easy and my MIL would ignore that. She didn't want to accept that there could be anything wrong with me. She'd say I need to keep active so I labour well later.

10. When I was pregnant my MIL would smoke in the car. It felt like a power trip because I couldn't say anything as it was her car.

11. My PILs would expect me to cook and clean during pregnancy for their guests.

12. My MIL would get her daughters to snoop in our room when we weren't home.

13. My SIL's and MIL would listen to mine and DP conversations outside our room.

14. My PIL would feel like they can tell me when I can go and see my family. I never listened anyway and this would cause tension. I'd see them for around a week every 3/4 months. Not sure why that's an issue.

15. My MIL made my whole pregnancy about her. She'd go on about how she's unwell and she needs attention and she can't do anything anymore as she'll be grandma and should leave my baby with her and take over the whole house's responsibility.

16. They'd try to control my finances

DH and I have now moved out. They've gone NC with me because I went to see my family a few weeks ago and didn't go there and take my DD to say bye. I'm sad that I tried to hard to please them and I feel angry at myself for putting up with the above but I honestly thought some of it was what was expected of a DIL.

There's a lot more. But this was domestic abuse wasn't it? I think I need to accept it properly for what it was.

Yes. 100% abuse. Please contact some local charities that specialise in helping women escape abusive households 🙏

Thought I'd revisit this thread for some advice.

So DP's family have been in contact with him saying they'd like a relationship with their GD and that they want to make amends.

I can't lie I'm extremely skeptical of this due to their track record and how they've been.

Do people like this have the scope to change? Am I being unreasonable in not entertaining them?

Thoughts?

The first step to changing is to recognising you need to and taking responsibility. What else was said in the conversation? Any indicators of them doing that?

Hi again OP, hope you are doing well.

I think you are right to be skeptical. I do believe that people can change, yes, but whether you can rebuild the broken trust is different. They want to make amends - do they understand what they’ve done wrong, and what behaviour was unacceptable? Have they confronted themselves about why they behaved this way, what new ways do they want to practice?

It sounds like your in-laws might have grown up in a culture where some of this stuff was acceptable. Maybe they were treated badly by their in-laws themselves. Maybe they didn’t realise until too late what damage they were doing. It doesn’t excuse it, and maybe they can learn and grow. But why should you have to carry the burden of wondering if you can fully trust them? Especially with your children.

It seems a bit soon (in my opinion) to start rebuilding relationships. What does your DH think? You might benefit from sitting down and making a list of unacceptable behaviours, pushed boundaries, what you didn’t like, what feelings came up in that house. I would recommend a few sessions with a counselor maybe, to wrap your head around what you’re both feeling and try to come to a conclusion about what you want to do/not do.

The way they treated you was disgusting. I personally would not want those kinds of attitude/behaviours around my child so no you are not being unreasonable.

Two words and the last one is off.

Sorry I forgot to provide context, so...

DP went to their house to pick something up. His family were sat in the front room. His dad said that he feels upset that he doesn't have a relationship with his GD. DP said he should ask himself why. DP said he didn't want to because in the past he's always dismissed what he has to say or told him to grow up and not play victim. His dad then said convince me as to what I've done wrong (something along those lines). So DP went on to explain reasons behind why they don't really have a relationship with us.

Eventually his dad got annoyed/angry and walked out of the room crying saying 'don't you think it hurts me that I have no relationship with my granddaughter' and went upstairs.

DP's mum then started speaking and saying that DP is misunderstanding his dad and perhaps there's a language barrier (DP mainly speaks English whereas his dad speaks his native language) however, this isn't the case as although DP doesn't speak the native language fluently, he does understand it. She then said that whatever they do is for DP's best interest. DP went on to say he felt I was treated like a servant etc but his mum doesn't really want to acknowledge that. Anyways, he continued to talk about how things they did upset us. She then said to him she's sorry if their actions have upset us (didn't apologise to me and still isn't talking to me). She said to bring myself and DD over for food.

In my opinion if she was truly sorry she would take full accountability and say that she is aware her actions as well as those of her husband have caused hurt and that they'd like to put it right. Instead she denied half of what DP said and then just said sorry as there was nothing else she could say. If she was really sorry shouldn't she have apologised to me? Why should I go to her house for her to apologise to me? She should come over to me and speak to me about it.

She also mentioned how my SIL's wedding is coming up and it doesn't look nice to people that her brother isn't actively involved. She said it also doesn't look nice when guests come over and we're not there. Tbh I think the main reasoning behind them wanting to make amends is because my SIL's getting married and they need our help and also it'll look bad to their relatives if we're not there. DD is almost 6 months and I've only really gone NC with them for about 6ish weeks and even prior to going NC they weren't phased about being involved in her life on a deeper level as grandparents.

My SIL messaged me a day later asking
About DD and then went on to say that her wedding isn't far and that she wants me and my DP to be there. I didn't answer this part of the message as I don't really feel like I'd want to after everything. I changed the subject to DD starting nursery and SIL swiftly lost interest in the conversation before no longer replying which solidifies my theory that they're trying to make amends for SIL's wedding due to what people will think and due to needing help.

Am I just being bitter about what they've done or do I have a point?

You’re not being bitter. They don’t sound like they have accepted they were in the wrong or like they truly want to change or make amends with you. It sounds very much like they want to save face at the wedding.

They sound awful, well done for getting yourself out of there, and not letting them use your credit for the mortgage

Do NOT get involved with them again. It will be more wasted years of abuse and shit thrown your way. They have controlled your DH his whole life, then you. Do you think these habits of a lifetime go away after a few months?
This is who they are. Protect yourself and your daughter. You would be insane to step foot in their house again. I wouldn't be going to the wedding either. Ask your DH, does he want them to mess up your dd like they have done him and you? Because they will ramp it up with all three of you. You are out of it. Stay out.

I amend my answer, I think you need to say to PIL AND SIL two words second one off. I would get dh to start telling his other relatives about how badly they treat you all. So they can gossip at the wedding to other family members and really embarrass your PIL. They deserve it. A few fb posts should do it.

Thank you for all of your responses.

I've stood my ground and haven't entertained them, I don't feel as though it's genuine.

However, mentally I feel like I still sometimes feel guilty or that maybe I'm overreacting (that's what I used to be told when I lived there) and that it's mean of me.

I know logically they don't deserve contact but I'm still feeling guilty

Hello,

I'm revisiting this thread for some further advice. I've decided I'd like to engage in counselling sessions to help heal my feelings from what I went through.

I feel really anxious about doing this. I worry about it being a stain on my medical records that I went through this, I worry it'll be used against me in regards to my daughter even though her wellbeing has been my priority in all of this. I worry people will think I'm weak. I worry that the information may be passed on (to my work - as the quickest and most efficient way for me to get counselling is through my work).

But I really do want to heal from this all.

Bump