Would you say this age gap is inappropriate?

[goldsharknofish]

Hi, I'm posting for a friend who has asked for an opinion but I'm on the fence.
My friend in 34, he has had somewhat terrible luck with relationships, seems to pick a very controlling type of girl (I've known two of them and he definitely wasn't the problem), it is a shame as he is a lovely man, he is kind, has a lot of love to give and he is actually really attractive (like I said he has terrible taste explaining his singleness).
Today my friend has told me he met someone, she is 21, at a hobby so he wasn't seeking out young girls! They went for drinks after, initially with 2 other people but they left early. He said they really got along, so he asked for her number and took her on a date, they slept together, have a 2nd date planned.
When he told some people at work about her they seemed disgusted as there is 13 years between them, she is in her 3rd year of uni, 22 in the summer and planning to do a masters.
He has asked if I think it is really weird/creepy. Others have suggested she will only be interested in his money (6 figures and inherited so is mortgage free with a gorgeous flat), however he is adamant there is no way she could no how much he makes or that he owns etc.

So thoughts? Usually I'd say if you have to ask it is inappropriate but here I'm not sure.
YABU - It is weird and creepy
YANBU - It is fine, best of luck to them

In this case I don’t think it’s weird, if they had met on a dating app or similar then I’d say it’s weird.

I'm surprised he's telling his colleagues at this early stage after only one date (granted, it involved pillow talk).

The age gap is a bit 🤨, I think, but not enough to tip it into Sam Taylor-Johnson territory.

Same. In this scenario, age is less of an issue.

There's 12 years between and my partner. It's greater than any age gap I'd have considered really but I knew him for several years before we got together and the age difference isn't really relevant.

I know several couples with similar age gaps. I don't know what age they met each other though.

There's a formula for this! (It was probably dreamt up in a pub - but it's actually pretty good). To calculate the minimum acceptable age for a pairing, it's:

Half your age + 7.

So, a 60-year-old can date someone aged 37+
A 20-year-old can date a 17-year-old, etc etc.

Applying this formula puts your friend into the "ick" side of the equation.

It’s not a huge age gap and certainly not inappropriate, but it sounds like they’re likely at very different stages of their lives.

She's a good few years into adulthood and as you say OP, quite educated.

I think it's fine.

I started seeing my now DH when I was 20 and he was 30. I'm now 31 going on 32 and he is 42. The gap feels smaller with time.

I don't necessarily think it's creepy but he's my age and I honestly can't see that I'd have anything in common with a 21 year old if I'm honest. They seem like children to me!

If she was 30 and he was 42 it would be different.

Team creepy without a doubt. She's not long out of childhood, it's just so weird. Such a power balance.

And I'm rather dubious about the fact that your apparently gorgeous, lovely and rich friend is unable to find someone even close to his age. I'm guessing he views women his old age as being too old. I think you're a bit 'blurry' about your pal being a good guy.

I think it depends. When I was 34 I had two children, so a 21 year old still at university, I just wouldn’t be able to relate to at all. Totally different life stages. If your friend is child free, doesn’t have a serious long term relationship or marriage behind him and has only casually dated, then they may not be far apart in terms of relationship maturity. I’d find that less ‘ ick’ than a divorced 34 year old with an ex wife and two kids tbh.

Interesting.
You have my friend very wrong! He is a genuinely lovely guy, his last relationship (which ended a year ago) she was older than him by 2 years, all of the dates he has been on and told me about have been women his age! In the 13 years I've known him he has never dated someone considerably younger and while he isn't perfect the break of the last two relationships wasn't on him at all! His ex said to my face she wasn't comfortable with him having female friends and when I asked why, had he cheated, she replied with 'no but he could'.

She's an adult. It's her choice who she dates.

A bloke in his mid 30s wouldn't have been my choice at 21, but she's absolutely entitled to date him if she likes. No one else's damn business at all.

I find it a bit weird but then as a 34 year female I wouldn’t be dating a 21 year old man still in uni. Think it depends what they both want in aspects of marriage, kids etc.

I think it's creepy tbh. I used to work in a university when I was in my early 30s, and 21 year olds are still kids really.

Yes, legally you're an adult at 18, but that's just an arbitrary figure. It has no biological significance. Some men marry 14 year olds and say that's fine in their culture.

The reality is that a 34 year is worlds away from a 21 year old. She still has a lot of maturing to do.

@Saddlesore @ "So, a 60-year-old can date someone aged 37+"

Ah....You've just explained why the young boyfriend I had last year told me the age gap would be more acceptable as we got older. Personally I thought it would seem a lot worse.

(It's on my mind because it's one of the reasons I left, we still love each other to bits, though sometimes love ain't enough, as the song says).

OP this is MN. No age gap is acceptable. Don't ask here! I think it's fine. Mum knows three couples with 25 year age gaps.

My mum married my dad when she was 18 and he was 30. My sister is in a long term relationship with a man approx 20+ years older than him, they've been together since she was at least 34, probably for years before then I don't know exactly.

So for me I say it's not an issue.

At her age I doubt she'll be looking for a serious relationship. He clearly is. She's still a student and doesn't know yet where she'll be working or whether she'll want to go off travelling etc. I think they are both at very different stages of their lives.

She's an adult at the end of the day. Dh is 13 years older than me, I'm 27 and he's 40!

Just seen a pic of Mick Jagger with his 37 yr old girlfriend. He’s 80 !

Everyone’s congratulating him so I think it’s ok for your friend too.
People need to mind their own business !

My daughter met her husband at work when she was 20. He was 34.

He was shocked when the office she worked in put up banners to celebrate her 21st. He thought she was at least 27.

They got married a couple of months ago. The stag party dressed the groom up as Jimmy Saville for the duration of the jolly.

She's only just 28 now.

I think it's fine as long as they want similar things and have similar maturity levels. She could well be a very mature 21- I have known 21 year olds who were very mature and could easily hold their own with people in their 30's and 21 year olds who where still children in all but a legal sense!
I think it helps they met at a hobby- they obviously have something in common to start with.

Gross and inappropriate.

If they like each other, then what does age matter?

My husband is 22 years old than me. We have been together happily for over 8 years - a solid relationship based on understanding, shared interests and respect. I had some colleagues pass remarks, but thankfully nobody close to me did as they could see that we were well suited. :)

This 'formula' is silly. Someone can be a creep and keep to the formula, and not be one and not.

I think it’s fine. You really have to know the people involved to comment on this kind of thing I think. Depending on each of their personality, maturity, outlook etc, people with a large age gap can match up with each other. But we have several sets of couple friends with large age gaps, and they all seem to have very normal happy relationships.