To Ask DH to set boundaries with MIL

[TeaXbiscuit]

I'm currently pregnant with my first child.

Throughout mine and DHs relationship , my MIL has often pushed boundaries. For instance, she gets upset when she hears that my husband and I have done things together without her and FIL, like taking a day trip just the two of us. She expects us to invite them to everything we do, and has shown up to places when we've gone out just to two of us.

She mentioned that she wants to see the baby every weekend for day trips. I would like this limited to once a month, so my own parents also have time with the baby and we get some time as a family, just the three of us.

She also assumes she'll be at the hospital for the baby's birth, but I'm not comfortable with that either. I’d prefer to have just my husband and medical staff.

I want to set these boundaries now, while I still have some time to communicate my expectations clearly.

DH thinks we can address these issues as they come up, but I believe that if we don't set boundaries now its just going to cause issues.

AIBU?

Does your husband 100% back you up on all of this? If so you'll be fine. If not, you have a husband problem not a MIL problem.

Amazing you married him tbh. My advice to you is grey rock. Don't give out any info, be vague and non committal, dodge and fog everything. This applies to DH too, since he is prioritising his mum over you

You need to set boundaries now. Don't wait until your baby is born. He or she will have two sets of grandparents, MIL can't monopolise the baby or you and DH. Has she any other grandchildren or is this the first one?

I'd start arms lengthing now, but deal with specific incidents as they arise. So, stop telling her that you plan to be at x restaurant on y date, so she can't show up. Don't give her any information that she can use to manipulate the situation. Change the subject, talk about the weather. Beige conversation is the key.

If she mentions being at the birth, say calmly, that's not going to be possible, but you'll be among the first people we get in touch with with any news. If she creates a fuss, you say, that's our decision Jean and it's not going to change. If you need to remove yourself, you remove yourself. Hold your own line.

Yes she will kick off, no there isn't a way of going round it, or getting ahead of the game really, if you try and head it off at the pass now you'll have to spend twice the energy, now reading her the manifesto, and again when the situation arises.

Good luck, you will need DH on side, he needs to understand what his role is here, because it's really important and can cause huge problems if he doesn't.

Just tell her the mw says her and the ones at the conception are all that's needed in delivery.
Lie about your due date..
Delete her number and leave dh as the Gatekeeper...
Remind dh who he married...

Be firm and set the boundaries now. When she wangs on about day trips, just say, 'No, that won't be happening once a week. We have other family and friends we want to see at weekends'. When she mentions the birth, laugh in her face. 'No way is anyone but DH being there.'

I'd just laugh the birth thing off "you can wait till we get home mil, you don't want to see me in all my naked glory giving birth!"

The other one just tell her straight you'll be seeing other family so once a month works perfect. If needs be "oh goodness not every weekend surely? You'll be sick of the sight of us." Just turn it back on her ina. Jokey way.

All of this. You should also consider moving. Now.

Is he an only child?

Get a ring doorbell.
Under no circumstances give her a front door key, or lend her one that she can copy.
Laugh heartily if she suggests being at the hospital - "that's hilarious, I'll tell my mum so you can both bring knitting and be like the old French women who sat and watched the guillotine."

Grandparents every weekend in two is also going to get old very quickly esp if you have two grandmothers who want to hold the baby while you wait on them and the menfolk hand and foot.
Also useful to manage expectations about your maternity leave. You will not be a drop in centre. Unless you want to be.

Some Mothers/MIL's are great, they'll check in with you first, turn up with food, take a baby for a walk while you have 30 mins to yourself or have a cuddle, empty the dishwasher and buzz off before they outstay their welcome.

Others will turn up, monopolise the baby, critique your breastfeeding skills, suggest you bottle feed so they can "help" and wonder aloud when the house was last hoovered. Only you will know which type you have on your hands.

Dad's can be just as much of a pain. Forced to tag along and trying to be useful, breaking out a masonry drill for that essential piece of DIY that can't possibly wait.

It's worth considering [without being exploitative] what visitors can do to help you, or bring with you if they ask.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Yes, he's an only child... unfortunately I can already tell which type of mother in law she'll be, she critises her nieces parenting constantly.

How do these things come up- does she say it to you or your dh? Maybe just deal with each thing as they come up in conversation or as they arise instead of you both having lists (except of course the birth thing!!)

Your DH needs to know exactly what you want, and and agree with you and back you up on this.

Hospital - "no, that won't be possible". Tell the hospital that you don't want her admitted. The MU that I was on, you had to be buzzed in and out.

Weekends - "it will be nice for you to visit sometimes, we will let you know when we are free". Don't offer once a month or you will be held to it.

Your DH has to be on board so that he repeats and backs up what you say. He should be saying it from both of you.

She'll say them to Dh, but while I'm in earshot. We'll causally say, oh we went our to dinner to this place and her immediate response will be to moan that she wanted to go and ask why wasn't she invited, even if its clearly a date, dh had had to explain that sometimes we want to do things as a couple but she doesn't seem to understand that

You’re going to have to move. To Australia.

Was her MIL with her when she gave birth?

Did she see them every weekend?

Did they go on 'dates' with her and husband?

If so - at least you know where she got her batshittery from but you still need to stop it

If not - point out it won't be happening that way with you either!

This! What sort of MIL did she have?!

I’d be addressing some of these things with her now myself, if your DH won’t.

It all depends on your OH.

My MIL was promising to be a huge pain the arse. Cultural differences were also at play. She expected to virtually move in for the first year at one point. No chance!

My DH had my back from day 1, and set clear boundaries. She was miffed to put it lightly, but soon realised that if she wanted to see her grandchild (ren) then she needed to play by the rules. And tbf, I also compromised slightly too.

She had a fabulous relationship with my kids, right up until she passed away. Many years later, she is still spoken about fondly - and we can laugh about her challenges! But that is only because my DH had my (our) backs which ensured the relationship was not pushed to destruction.

You can still join in the conversation and explain the situation to her. I’d also recommend adding to your birth plan that you don’t want any visitors whilst you are in the hospital.

Every time your MIL comes out with something you aren’t happy about, say so at the time. That way when the situation arises, it won’t be a surprise to her that she’s not getting her way.

Choose your weapons now OP!
For starters I recomend, ghost, fog, grey rock, long arms, misinformation.

dont wait for dumbo DH to patiently explain, shoot back with 'because we are not married to you'

I have similar with MIL. We don’t have children sadly (tried but isn’t possible). She is on an information diet after she threw a tantrum that we dared to have a day out without her in tow. She is very manipulative playing the dittery old woman card a lot and tried to cause an argument between me and my husband and since then I just don’t like her. I am more aware of how manipulative she is since then and she doesn’t like that I see right through her. If she mentions the birth say no and if she pushes it say she’ll not get into the hospital at all. You hold all the cards, don’t forget that.

You're probably trying to be polite. But your language sounds very passive, like a negotiation.

but I'm not comfortable with that either. I’d prefer to have just my husband and medical staff.

Change your language now. Start being clear, firm and direct.

<No, I don't want that. I'm not having her there. It will be dh only>

Otherwise your MIL (and possibly your DH) won't 'hear' you.

You need to get your DH on side Op, any problem with IL's needs to be addressed by him, otherwise your MIL will think he agrees with her and try to bulldoze her way in. Start as you mean to go on Op or you'll live to regret it.

Congrats on your pregnancy.
Put both MiL & FiL on an information diet. Immediately.
Don't discuss anything with firm comments - leave things airy and "We'll see" or "I'll have to check that and get back to you" but never get back to them.
Restrict your social media accounts immediately.
Make sure your hospital is fully aware that you only want your DH at the birth and no one else. Your medical records are off limits.
When you get home from the hospital, I'd recommend taking 48 hours, at least, of it just being you, your DH and your baby.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, your MiL will be putting the baby's name down in primary schools and nursery before you know it.

PiL have very very few rights if any at all in this situation. Your DH though does need to be on board with what you're planning on doing.

Best of luck to you.

I don’t understand DH saying you’ll “deal with them
as they come up”.
for you to know all of this, the topics HAVE come up.

her expectations are deeply unreasonable and need adjusting. ASAP.

Oh my word.
I’d stop telling her anything.
In fact I’d start reducing the amount of time you see her, starting now.