AIBU for expecting my nearly 4 year old to take part??

[RenegadeMrs]

I have just left a junior gymnastics early with my daughter because for about the third group in a row she was messing round and not taking part. I don't expect her to do everything, the group is pretty chilled because its aimed at younger kids, but she had literally not done a single thing asked of them since we'd got there and I am pretty fed up of it. I told her we'd leave if she didn't try and join in before we got there, and as she wasn't joining in, we left. I didn't shout at her but was firm and she was upset.

My question is, am I unreasonable to expect her to take part in the activity we are doing? How can I encourage her to join in? She is not shy, just very independent minded! This is not the first activity she has done this for. My eldest was in lockdown at the same age so I feel like I don't have any experience to fall back on. She starts school in September and I'm worried because a tendency to not join in would make school hard for her.

Does she want to do the gymnastics class?

Before today she would say that she likes gymnastics. Currently telling me no, but that's expected. I'll say nothing for a few days and then ask again. I have no problem dropping it if its not for her.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in the slightest. Soft play centres are for running around/doing what you want.

Classes are structured which means joining in with what she is asked to do. You warned her; she didn't listen. The consequence of that (which she was aware of) would be that she would have to leave.

Now she knows that you will follow through, hopefully next week she will join in.

If she isn't enjoying the class then that's a different matter but I don't get that from what you've said.

She’s 3 and they develop at different rates. It took a term of me doing ballet with one of mine at that age for her to stop being shy and to actually engage with the class- she’d sit there and absolutely refused to join in unless I did too. She happily skips in now at 5 and listens properly but she is still funny with new things and needs time to warm up. I’ve learnt to adapt to her personality and needs. However, at the time I was tearing my hair out because her older sister was generally good at engaging in classes, not shy at all and it was a shock to have a child that needed a different style of parenting.

We don’t do any classes with my 3yo, also due to start school this September. She struggles to concentrate and tbh is just point blank contrary.

Some of her friends do dance, gymnastics, swimming etc and get on fine. I can’t comprehend it.

Sounds like she is not ready. When she starts school it will all be very play based with lots of choice of activities and they will gradually get her used to joining in and following instructions. It's normal at this age and even in foundation year for some children to want to hang back and watch rather than join in.

Maybe stop the activities until she's a bit older?

My kids were both massively different when it came to clubs (and still are). My eldest will do any club I book her into, she loves all extra curriculars and did them all with no problems from a young age. My youngest just wasn't bothered and still isn't age 7. He does kickboxing once a week because it's VERY chilled and I can watch but that's it. Nothing else. He just doesn't want more organised fun.

I can't get on board at structured classes for hobbies at age 3. At that stage mine were already on early years so sitting engaged for three hours a day. Any other activities were free flow.

I think when they have a year down at school they can understand what is expected.

Classes for under 5's and the huge number is quite new. Under 5's were just unstructured play for the most part with the exception of ballet which I did do myself.

Not all 3 3 olds are ready, plain and simple. Perhaps try stay and play or similar where children choose which station they want to play at

She's just a wee lass - she does not know what she wants. She might fancy gym one day and not the next - that is what you might expect of one so young. Small children dip in and out of lots of things because they do not have sufficient life experience to make proper choices. She was upset because she could sense you were pissed off. Cut her some slack. Say - it's gym today; do you fancy going? If she says yes, then take her; if not, then don't. If she gets half way through and she does not seem interested then take her home without making her feel she has done wrong.

You and I know that we have paid for the darned class and would really like her to stick at it; but she is too small for that burden.

Your expectations of her need to tally with her chronological age.

Thanks everyone. All very interesting points. I think I need to adjust my expectations downwards and just go with the flow a bit more.

My little girl is about the same age (she was 4 in March) and attends a similar style gymnastics class.

She's been going for about 2 years and her effort to participate varies. Last week she tried so hard at everything but this week DH took her and she apparently didn't listen to anything the coach said (normally DH is the smug one telling me how good she's been so definitely not because it was DH's week). Nevertheless, I had an email this week from the coach telling me she thinks she's ready to move up into the next class (which will be with me on the sidelines instead of in the class with her). I suspect they get to an age where it's counterproductive to have parents around as my DD is 100% more likely to be compliant for the coach when I'm not around, only time will tell I guess!

I think it's just normal that they occasionally won't be bothered to participate fully, they don't get the idea of doing something at a set time really as opposed to doing something when they feel like it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but maybe it's worth trying to work out why she's not engaging. Does she understand what they're asking of her? Can she hear the instructions? Is the class moving slowly and she's bored? Is she nervous and scared to try in front of others or incase she falls. It might be worth speaking to the instructor to see if there's anything you can do to encourage her at home as well. Maybe you could try building her up for it before you go and talking through what's going to happen and what is she looking forward to etc etc

Something similar happened with mine and football at the same age. It just wasn't worth the hassle of taking her.

Wait and a bit and try when she's older.

This! Very young age to follow instructions if you're not ready to. Have a time out or try something less structured? Xx

Mine just couldn’t be still or concentrate at that age but started doing some structured stuff at more like 6 or 7 and then was absolutely fine.

Yanbu. My daughter started a ballet class, me not in the room, at not yet 3. She joined in with almost everything.

She was a second child, at the same age eldest would have had to be peeled from legs & would not have joined in well.

Give her a few months and try again later on if she wants to.

Why are you so determined she has to join in? Maybe she just doesn't want to do the activities you are making her do

Also at 3 turning 4 was just when my DC got better if I wasn't in there with them. I could see through the door she behaved better without me there.

I was going to say “there’s four and there’s four” (as in - old four or young four. Lots of maturity happens in that year). But now I see she’s “nearly four”, also known as three. Three is too young in my opinion for hobby-type classes. Anyway, your child is showing you she isn’t ready.

Try again in a year or so.

It's not about age, it's about development and personality type. If she isn't joining in then she's either not ready or not interested. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I think this is wise advice. I was in tears at swimming when DS was a little younger than this because his behaviour was so bad. His lovely teacher suggested putting him in a class where I wouldn't be in the pool with him, and it made all the difference: he behaves for other adults in a way he won't if I'm there.

(I don't think it's just me being crap!)

My dd is three in August and has been going to gymnastics for about six months: they do a warm up activity, a group challenge to get a sticker, and then a sheet that you tick off with skills, then another activity at the end. There's been a few weeks where we've paid for the class and she's just rolled a ball for twenty minutes, but mostly she loves it and gets loads out of it. At other, less structured classes, her listening is terrible! My ds is nearly five and has refused all extra circulars (tried three for a few sessions, not interested at all)

For me I recall when I was about 4, a local church hall had a “taster” session of ballet. It seemed like all the neighbourhood little girls turned up as it was quite new in the area I think (mid 70s) and as far as I recall it either carried on or stopped.

I actually started ballet at 6, so about 2 years later but a close friend was going so I wanted to go. I don’t think I was ready at 4 or 5 though, I was shy and not that coordinated. Some children including my niece who’s now 7 start at 3 and take to it like a duck to water then. I think my SIL started young too.

And yes to children giving up things. I started piano lessons but wasn’t keen on reading music so that stopped after a while and DB and I started swimming lessons but they were more keen on developing future Olympic champions so we stopped.

I even had a blip at 11 when I was horse riding (had done this since I was 7) when I fell off a horse whilst jumping a fence (it was actually bad bruises, cuts, concussion and a sprained wrist, luckily it wasn’t worse!) but I was adamant I didn’t want to get back on a horse until I did want to do so quite soon afterwards! And even when I first started that I was put off the upper class women running it because they were a bit abrupt and snobbish. DM told me just to listen to them and that was their way and things did get better.