Household arguments with partner

[Lilmisspinky]

Background info: me (f,26) and partner (m,28) moved into granny flat on my parents land last year. I put all my savings into building this with the help of my parents and grandparents. He put some money into it (bought fridge and oil for heating). Bear in mind he earns about 4x the amount I do. I only work part time as I have a history of ill mental health, am autistic and have suspected inattentive adhd. He does 3-4 12 hour shifts a week.

I pay a small amount of rent to my parents as it is on their land and he buys the food shopping weekly. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes & clean the bathroom as well as taking the majority of responsibility for our two dogs.

we often have arguments as he doesn’t think I do enough cleaning and don’t clean to a good enough standard. He can’t clean much as he works and often sleeps on his days off. I completely empathise that his work is tiring. I have tried to do better with the cleaning in the house so he doesn’t get annoyed with me but it never seems to be enough. I know I am in the house a lot more than him so a lot more of the duties would fall on me. However, I really struggle with simple tasks which I believe is due to my autism & suspected adhd (I hate to use excuses but that’s just my reality). I’m also just out of hospital due to suspected chrons disease which often leaves me quite fatigued and under the weather. As soon as I came home from the hospital last week he made me do laundry as he didn’t get a chance to do it as he was working. But I was in hospital ??? I understand he works and is tired but am I being unreasonable? I won’t lie, I’m probably not the cleanest, I will make dinner and might leave dishes for a few hours before I clean then. He gets annoyed if I don’t do them straight away - despite me cooking his dinner for him while he either sleeps or plays PlayStation.

AIBU? Honest answers but please don’t be harsh on me, I’m trying my best but maybe I need to try more

You are being unreasonable for not dumping this man's selfish lazy ass! Making you do laundry when you're just out of hospital?

Save up so you can pay him back for his bits and then tell him to fuck off.

Can you afford a cleaner, bearing in mind as though it sounds neither of you are particularly good at keeping on top of things? Life really is too short to bicker about this shit, particularly when your functioning is poor and he works long shifts. I suspect you are both equally challenging to live with tbh.

I don’t think the first paragraphs about who put money into building the annex are relevant. You aren’t married and the property is on your parents’ land and (presumably) therefore belongs to them with the implicit understanding you will eventually inherit it. In his place, I wouldn’t have put money into it, either.

Just get rid!

No I can’t afford a cleaner, I only work part time due my my various health issues. Bear in mind I do all the cleaning, it just never seems to be good enough for him?
When you suspect i am challenging to live with due to my functioning I hope you don’t mean my autism? As autism is very much a disability and don’t appreciate it being labelled as ‘challenging to live with’ thanks.

You’ve said you have inattentive ADHD, long term mental health problems, struggle with simple tasks, are not the cleanest, and are often under the weather, all of which sounds likely to be challenging at times. If you’re arguing with each other a lot, that suggests you each find the other quite challenging to live with. If you can’t afford a cleaner and you’re at loggerheads over who is or isn’t doing enough cleaning or whether they’re doing it properly then ultimately the only option is to break up or to live separately, as you’re not compatible as live-in partners.

I thought this may be a situation where you need to find a compromise or get organised... until you got to the part about him making you do laundry when you were just out of hospital! That's horrible. He may be tired from work, but plenty of people are, and most don't get to spend all their free time asleep or telling someone else to clean up after them. He sounds lazy and unkind.

I can’t believe you’re putting up with this! He sounds ridiculously lazy and entitled.

Yes he works long hours, but only 3-4 days and you don't have any children, so he has plenty of time to rest. There's no excuse for him not doing his share of housework. I would not live with a man like this. He'd be kicked out in a second! Stand up for yourself.

I think he needs to find somewhere else to live

That will solve all your problems.

He is gaslighting you.

Get rid of him.

Tell the bossy bastard where to go.
Ugh.

I think you're being unfair to the PP as lots of disabilities are challenging to live with, for everyone involved?

Either way, YANBU and I suspect you know that but perhaps just need to hear it from others.

If your cleaning etc isn't good enough for him and it's a dealbreaker, he'll have to move out.

Honest answer? Tell him he needs to move out. It's your place, on your parents land and he's behaving like a teenager who expects his Mum to clean up after him.

He's not even paying rent by the sound of it.

Dump his ass.

OP, 3-4 12 hour shifts is a normal working week, he also gets 3-4 days off. My DBIL works those kind of shifts, has 4 DC and does all the cooking and cleaning !!!

If you were my DD I would be horrified that you were providing a home free of charge plus a cleaning service for this horrible man. And he is 28 - this is his peak fitness, he will only get lazier as he ages.

Please break up, work on your self esteem (low self esteem is one of the traits of ADHD in women) and then, only then, go back to the dating scene.

He or she who does the chores gets to decide when and how thoroughly they are effected.
He is not the boss of you. If the housework isn't done to his liking he should do it himself.

I couldn't live with a domestic bully. If he couldn't live by my standards he would have to do it himself or move out.

I am autistic and struggle with tiredness from masking at work and executive function making household tasks difficult. My husband has a busy full time job and didn’t think he had capacity to do more than his share so he straight away said we should pay for a cleaner from joint funds. He happily organised this, told me to never feel guilty, agreed to us increasing her hours when we moved to a bigger property and tells me he sees her as essential to our quality of life.

He never ever judges me when I need to rest or mess up a task due to poor executive function- tells me that’s life and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. He also will often tell me to rest when he can see I am tired and am trying to carry on!

I am saying this because you also deserve a kind and understanding man that does not judge your health issues and autism. You are not worth any less because you are autistic or have health issues and you don’t need to accept a crappy man because you think you are lucky to get one who begrudgingly accepts these things- you deserve someone who accepts you as you are!

so he works 36-48 hours a week ?
wow big deal !

and yet he needs to sleep on his days off or is playing on a Play station ?

NO he has not put any money at all into the granny flat, he merely purchased a fridge freezer and paid for one utility.

do you pay Council Tax ? electricity ? water ?

as well as rent ?!!!

what are you getting out of this relationship ?

at least you are not married to this lazy child
not do you have children with him

Thank goodness for small mercies !!!

when are you finishing the relationship and throwing him out ?

Have a relationship without living together, if you earn enough to pay the rent on your own you don't need him.

@Lilmisspinky is he unable to put the washing machine on? or do you have an old fashioned twin tub?? he is an awful partner! think you might need to show him the door!

Most people work and manage to do housework. If he's working 36-48hours a week he still has time to do housework.

He's living rent free and paying for just groceries. Please Honey stop thinking it's your fault because you have conditions. He's just an arse.

Unless he's got a disability that prevents him washing up after you've made his food I would kick the cheeky bastard out. As for making you do his laundry after being in hospital I would get banned if I actually wrote what I think about that.
Please get rid you are doing nothing wrong and are worth so much more. So what if your cleaning isn't up to his standard? He's welcome to do it himself.

This is not a partner you need to keep, this is one to let go. Your health will improve massively because the stress he causes you is making all your conditions worse. Don’t be afraid to be on your own; embrace it.

Bloody hell. Why are you with this useless waste of space? He does fuck all because he's "tired". He works the equivalent of a full time job over the space of 3 or 4 days and expects you to do everything else so he can rest?

Plenty of us manage full time jobs and clean up after ourselves. I'm always amazed at these useless men who are still stuck back in the 1950s thinking that just because they did a day's work that they can come home and put their feet up. It's the 2020s, women work too, and quite often it's more hours than the man yet they also still do more in the home on top of it all!!

Don't waste any more of your life on this useless excuse of a "partner". You have your whole life ahead of you to find a decent partner. Throw this fish back.

I can't believe he demanded you do the fucking laundry when you got out of hospital. That's just disgusting. Kick him out.

Also, I agree with previous posters - your health will probably improve due to not having this ball and chain weighing you down. You will no longer have the stress of this manchild living with you, demanding you pick up after him.

He has no decency towards you at all he doesn't work extremely long hours so he's being unreasonable

I do the housework in my house but I'm home mostly however my dh does his share to I would be dumping him asap

Unrelated but if your only working part time look into claiming universal credit as a top up to help you