Household arguments with partner

[Lilmisspinky]

Background info: me (f,26) and partner (m,28) moved into granny flat on my parents land last year. I put all my savings into building this with the help of my parents and grandparents. He put some money into it (bought fridge and oil for heating). Bear in mind he earns about 4x the amount I do. I only work part time as I have a history of ill mental health, am autistic and have suspected inattentive adhd. He does 3-4 12 hour shifts a week.

I pay a small amount of rent to my parents as it is on their land and he buys the food shopping weekly. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes & clean the bathroom as well as taking the majority of responsibility for our two dogs.

we often have arguments as he doesn’t think I do enough cleaning and don’t clean to a good enough standard. He can’t clean much as he works and often sleeps on his days off. I completely empathise that his work is tiring. I have tried to do better with the cleaning in the house so he doesn’t get annoyed with me but it never seems to be enough. I know I am in the house a lot more than him so a lot more of the duties would fall on me. However, I really struggle with simple tasks which I believe is due to my autism & suspected adhd (I hate to use excuses but that’s just my reality). I’m also just out of hospital due to suspected chrons disease which often leaves me quite fatigued and under the weather. As soon as I came home from the hospital last week he made me do laundry as he didn’t get a chance to do it as he was working. But I was in hospital ??? I understand he works and is tired but am I being unreasonable? I won’t lie, I’m probably not the cleanest, I will make dinner and might leave dishes for a few hours before I clean then. He gets annoyed if I don’t do them straight away - despite me cooking his dinner for him while he either sleeps or plays PlayStation.

AIBU? Honest answers but please don’t be harsh on me, I’m trying my best but maybe I need to try more

Firstly I would quietly consider and plan the end of this relationship ASAP. I would then discuss with him that I just want to live MY live and not slave for him, unless he starts to contribute 70 % of his earnings to the household and applies his share to the chores. ABSOLUTELY do not have kids with him please please. And an assessment for ADHD. Work on Your self Esteem, take some time away from him ( at least 2 weeks) , do some self-care and then decide whether this "man" is worthy of being in your life. Wish You all the best 😊

How many hours a week do you work?

He does not contribute anything financially (purchasing the freezer and some oil is way less than he would pay in rent, so I would not give it back as he hasn't paid anything else).
Paying for the weekly food is not nearly enough, that should be on top of paying rent, seeing as he lifes in your flat that you paid for and you pay the "ground rent", too.
The agreements about cleaning and housework should be made together and fixed and fair, and not negotiated on the spot when he does not like your work, because that's very stressful and sounds like he's your manager.

As it's not a partnership where one party agreed to do more housework in exchange for the other party to contribute more money (he just buys food of which he presumably eats at least half), doing more cleaning "to his standard" will not lead to any more appreciation on his side. He seems to think you work for him.

This is not just a practical issue, it's a psychological issue, as some others have hinted had - trying to "make up" for assumed "deficits" by doing much more than the fair share of work.

Someone who treats you like that probably isn't going to improve. As he has no rent/lodger contract or anything, you could send him away today. He has no legal rights to live in your flat.
If you like, you could still date him but without living together, but I wouldn't be able to forgive the previous treatment and no contribution to rent.

I agree with others that your mental health will probably massively improve without the arguments. Then you have more energy for your health and life and can start planning new things.

I mean he’s a cocklodger. If I understand correctly you and your parents own the land and the granny house. You both work he maybe works more hours BUT HE KEEPS ALL HIS MONEY? So he buys a weekly food shop? Which he eats half of? Does he buy special ingredients for baking or holiday or pick up some new tea towels and oven mitts? How about cleaning products? I also have a very physical job with lots of walking and standing and occasionally pushing. I still clean cook and organize and plan for holidays. It seems he doesn’t do any of this but complains about the way/ standard they are done to. You are not a chambermaid you are the land owner(via agreement with your family). Have him live elsewhere. You can still date. Gently op…I’m concerned his interest in dating you will wane when you are no longer providing a home for this cocklodger. You have your whole young life to find a better partner. Start today. Talk to your parents about getting him out of the house. I bet they will be relieved and supportive.