Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband invalidates me

29 replies

Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 07:48

Am I being OTT here but my husband really upsets me when I feel he’s invalidating me. For example;

I have struggled with sleeping since having our son. He is now 3 years old, my sleep is better and fine but I do get the odd night if insomnia.

The other night on holiday was awake for 3 hours in the night and I knew my husband was sleeping.

When I asked l my husband do you mind if I have a little longer in bed and you take our son to breakfast, he replied,” we are going home tomorrow you can sleep then. Me too, I didn’t really sleep”

When I challenged that and said no you was asleep. He just said oh what ever, stop whining. I started crying because I was frustrated and left me in a position where I felt guilty.

I am in bed now whilst they’ve gone to breakfast and I just dread him being annoyed with me.

He is good at turning things around on me, so I will have to get over this and say no more to him.

He will say I am whining like a little b*ch … a classic line.

Why would he make me feel like this over something so innocent

OP posts:
Orangepawprints · 07/05/2024 07:53

Couldn’t be with a man who calls me a whiny little bitch.

He has no respect for you.

really sorry - don’t know what to say except don’t allow this man to destroy you - no one deserves to be called names like this.

Catza · 07/05/2024 07:53

Because he is clearly an emotionally abusive husband. You should not be fearing the person you are with being annoyed with you.
As a first step, I would contact woman’s shelter for advice and guidance.

Original poster
Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:06

I have been with him for 15 years, it’s hard. I see amazing sides to him which is more often than the worse but I do feel like I tried on egg shells at times.
I do stand up for myself but most of the time it backfires and I end up like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:08

I just really want to understand why, why would he be like this. What would make him like this?

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 07/05/2024 08:09

Tell us about the amazing sides. I have a feeling they won't be so amazing.

bringmorewashing · 07/05/2024 08:13

The only reason he would make you feel like that is because he's not a nice person and he doesn't respect you. I know it's never as simple as just LTB, but you deserve better and that kind of treatment will wear you down over months and years. It's worrying that you sometimes feel you have to tread on egg shells around him.

Mnetcurious · 07/05/2024 08:14

Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:08

I just really want to understand why, why would he be like this. What would make him like this?

There could be all sorts of reasons- made to feel powerless as a child, for example. Reading the bountiful supply of crap on the internet that tells men that women should be controlled. The real question is not why is he treating you like this but why are you staying with someone who treats you like this? No way would I stay with someone who called me a bitch. Please know that you deserve more than a man who behaves this way towards you.

Original poster
Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:23

Thank you everyone. I know I sound so weak, I have thought for many years that someone would make me happier and I deserve better. I am unsure why I have stayed, scared to leave, hanging on to the good parts, he is a great Father to our son. A lot of my life is with him.
I feel I am nothing without him, financially especially too.
Gosh, I am the problem, I am the weak one here.

I know I would be saying the same as you all to one of you or my friends, why is it so much harder to do for yourself

OP posts:
Catza · 07/05/2024 08:43

Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:23

Thank you everyone. I know I sound so weak, I have thought for many years that someone would make me happier and I deserve better. I am unsure why I have stayed, scared to leave, hanging on to the good parts, he is a great Father to our son. A lot of my life is with him.
I feel I am nothing without him, financially especially too.
Gosh, I am the problem, I am the weak one here.

I know I would be saying the same as you all to one of you or my friends, why is it so much harder to do for yourself

He is more than welcome to remain a good father when you separate. His fathering abilities should not be conditional on you remaining together.
The reason you feel you are nothing without him is because he spent the last 15 years convincing you of that which is a classic sign of abuse. I am sure you will get a lot of advice to leave the bastard, I would caution you against doing anything without support of woman's shelter. The vast majority of femicides happen when a spouse tries to leave and abusive relationship. A woman's shelter will be able to provide support to get you out safely if you wish so.
Also, why are you financially dependent on him? Do you have a job?

Mnetcurious · 07/05/2024 11:12

Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:23

Thank you everyone. I know I sound so weak, I have thought for many years that someone would make me happier and I deserve better. I am unsure why I have stayed, scared to leave, hanging on to the good parts, he is a great Father to our son. A lot of my life is with him.
I feel I am nothing without him, financially especially too.
Gosh, I am the problem, I am the weak one here.

I know I would be saying the same as you all to one of you or my friends, why is it so much harder to do for yourself

Don’t blame yourself for being weak, it is not your fault that he’s treating you like this and men in these situations deliberately make you reliant on them so you feel you can’t leave. Try and get support from family and friends, I’m sure if you became free of this relationship you would surprise yourself by how strong you can be and that you are able to eventually thrive without him.

Peclet · 07/05/2024 11:15

He’s a bad guy.

Get out now. It doesn’t get better.

Original poster
Catchingrainbows · 09/05/2024 19:46

Arrived home
I have put the washing in and he’s said if any of my shirts have shrunk then I’m going to loose my S*…
I’ve shrunk a few of his clothes before, obviously by accident.
hes not speaking to me now. We will see when the cycle ends on this machine. I hope they haven’t shrunk, its all I need

OP posts:
FlameTulip · 09/05/2024 19:48

Honestly OP, if my DH called me a whiny little bitch I would be calling a divorce lawyer.

savethatkitty · 09/05/2024 20:07

He sounds charming. Not.

anicesitdownandshutup · 09/05/2024 20:08

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t crept anything less

countdowntonap · 09/05/2024 20:10

*he replied,” we are going home tomorrow you can sleep then. Me too, I didn’t really sleep”

When I challenged that and said no you was asleep.*

How do you know he wasn’t awake the hours you were asleep???

WhenWillTheSunShineIWonder · 09/05/2024 20:14

Tell him to do his own fucking washing from now on. How dare he speak to you this way? He’s horrible.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/05/2024 20:25

I have put the washing in and he’s said if any of my shirts have shrunk then I’m going to loose my S…*

He is a nasty, bullying pig. He behaves like this because he can. Because he doesn't respect you or see you as his equal (although clearly it's actually he who is not your equal).

Of course it's not you that's the problem. It's him. He clearly views you as some kind of maid. I'm sure he can be pleasant when he wants to (when he's getting what he wants and you are toeing the line). I would be looking at ways to leave and thinking carefully about finances. He's not going to just suddenly stop treating you like shit, is he?

FredsRoses · 09/05/2024 20:33

Do you not have a job OP? If not, is there a reason, other than him using you as his personal slave? What will actually happen if the shirts have shrunk and he loses his shit?? If he doesn't like the way you do his washing, don't do it, and when he demands to know why it's not done, tell him that you're too scared to do it, in case it shrinks and he 'loses his shit!'. What a fine specimen of a man he is, NOT!!! I know it's easy to say LTB, but I think with a man like this, who has no respect for you, or the things you do for him, I would be seriously thinking about how I could become independent from him if I were in your shoes. It's time we women started standing up for ourselves, and getting the treatment we deserve, not feeling we have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting the man in our life.

abeeabeeisafterme · 09/05/2024 20:41

Wow, he's horrible OP. He's really mean and unkind to you- the person he's supposed to love and care for. Your son I'll see this- he will treat women like this. And will treat you like this eventually unless you show him that you deserve better. How long has he been emotionally bullying you?

orangelotus · 09/05/2024 20:49

This has made me so so sad. And a little bit in the mix seeing this is normalising abuse.
Please get some advice you sound so scared .

Lucy377 · 09/05/2024 20:58

"I just really want to understand why, why would he be like this. What would make him like this?"

Why spend time analysing him?
Even if you found a 'reason' he'd still be abusive to you.

Just notice how your mind goes to trying to fix or solve him, rather than focusing on your practical problem. Which is how to get away from him.

That's part of the reason you are still there. Because your way of coping is that you keep thinking if you can just explain it away or find a way to excuse him, then you won't have to face the truth.

Tell someone in real life how he treats you and ring Women's Aid when he's not home, just to see what they have to say about it.

You deserve to be spoken to with decency and respect. You are not an emotional punchbag whose job it is to tolerate and absorb this shit being directed at you.

Disturbia81 · 09/05/2024 21:27

No way would someone get away with calling me that even once.

Noseybookworm · 09/05/2024 22:44

Catchingrainbows · 07/05/2024 08:08

I just really want to understand why, why would he be like this. What would make him like this?

Because he's a nasty person? Because you let him get away with it? It doesn't really matter why he's like this - what really matters is why on earth you would stay with someone who speaks to you like that?