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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For asking her to delete the Facebook photos?

60 replies

Charl1991 · 06/05/2024 23:27

It was my DD’s christening last weekend and my sister took pictures throughout the ceremony and posted them to Facebook, I aw them a couple of days later as I don’t log in often.

We don’t ban pics of DD being posted to social media and don’t mind my sister posting the odd pic. We took some group family pics after the baptism which I plan to send to her and may not mind being shared. But I didn’t want pics of the actual baptism taken and shared, I wanted it to be private. Plus I don’t look good in candid photos and these ones are somewhat unflattering, DH hates how he looks in them too, you can’t see DD very well.

I didn’t think much of messaging her to ask if she would take the pics down, saying we’re not keen on them being on Facebook for all to see.

I’ve had loads of messages back telling me how unreasonable it is of me to ask, she’s really upset, it’s a free country she can post what she wants to her own facebook, it was a public place, I’m crazy for asking and it’s a bizarre request, and I’m vain for asking because I look bad in the picture, I always post posed ‘pouty’ pictures to try and look more attractive online and it’s pathetic. (Truthfully I barely share pics of myself to social media at all but never candid ones, usually nice ones smiling).

She did take it down but I wish I had never asked now, after all this. I thought it was normal to ask for take downs for whatever reason but she’s totally vilified and embarrassed me for it.

AIBU and was I wrong to have asked her to take them down?

OP posts:
Sugarplumsandpears · 06/05/2024 23:30

YANBU, she should've asked you if you minded her posting them beforehand

Hiddenvoice · 06/05/2024 23:31

You’re not being unreasonable to ask her to remove pictures of your child from her social media. You have no idea who can see the pictures she’s shared.
If you explained it that way to her then I don’t understand how she could argue it.

If you’ve explained it that you and your dh don’t like the way you look in the pictures then it comes across as more of you’re unhappy as you don’t feel you look your best.

Either way, I understand why she wanted to post them but she can’t be angry with you asking her to remove them.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/05/2024 23:34

I sort of get her point - or why she didn't ask in advance - if you don't restrict all photos of DC on social media, she thought it would be OK

  • but if you've asked for them to be taken down, I don't understand why she'd make such a fuss about it.
Charl1991 · 06/05/2024 23:38

@Hiddenvoice no we've never asked her not to share pics of DD on Facebook before. I felt this was something that didnt need to be photographed and shared but the request was partly just vanity about not liking the pics

OP posts:
Charl1991 · 06/05/2024 23:39

@ThinWomansBrain no we don’t restrict pics of DD so this may have seemed out of the blue to my sister

OP posts:
OhBumBags · 06/05/2024 23:43

She shouldn't have shared without asking.

But this makes you both sound like hypocrites...

Plus I don’t look good in candid photos and these ones are somewhat unflattering, DH hates how he looks in them too, you can’t see DD very well.

You two want a say in what photos are posted on the internet of you both, whilst happily posting photos of your child who has no say?

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 06/05/2024 23:54

she Should take them down, I’d feel so exposed with pictures of me online that I don’t like how I look in, would she be happy if you did this on her.

Randomlygeneratedname · 06/05/2024 23:54

Well she would hate me because I do have a total ban on pictures of my children being shared online. Background pictures at parties etc are fine as you can't police everything and obviously strangers may even get a snap with children in the background, but no main pictures and certainly not with their/my name etc. I care less about pictures of me but that's because I am an adult.

I do think it becomes somewhat of a grey area when you do allow people to share pictures normally, it seems like a lot of effort trying to police it. You wouldn't even know I had kids from my social media platforms (except mumsnet) and I have found people usually follow your lead.

dutysuite · 06/05/2024 23:59

I’ve asked family members to take down photos before, one was a time when the photos had been taken in my house, I am very private and don’t like my house being put on social media. I’d also hate photos of myself being put online. On Facebook I have the setting where I have to confirm a photo I’m tagged in before it gets plastered on my page.

Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 08:36

I did have a ban on all photos of DD when she was born but this sister was upset about it as she said she loves sharing life updates online, so I said I didn’t mind the odd pic.

I do have that setting where I can’t be tagged so maybe could have just left it like that (and kept the peace!) but all our family could still see the pics, and mutual friends, and my sister doesn’t have her Facebook set to private. I do think I’m being a bit vain (and DH) but I also don’t see why horrible pics need to be online

OP posts:
Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 08:38

@Randomlygeneratedname I haven’t shared any pics of DD to Facebook myself only a private Instagram, but I don’t think my sister sees any difference between the platforms so it seems hypocritical from her POV

OP posts:
Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 08:40

@WhatAreYouOnAbout that's how I feel, exposed and I just don’t like it. I get paranoid about my horrible ex and his horrible family seeing updates on my life and saying haha she looks fat and ugly now

OP posts:
VestibuleVirgin · 07/05/2024 08:42

Your sister has a problem if she wants sto share her life online

Lifestooshort71 · 07/05/2024 08:48

Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 08:40

@WhatAreYouOnAbout that's how I feel, exposed and I just don’t like it. I get paranoid about my horrible ex and his horrible family seeing updates on my life and saying haha she looks fat and ugly now

Edited

....and that's what all this is about, isn't it? Perhaps work on not caring what your ex and his family think as you've moved on very successfully x

Moonshine5 · 07/05/2024 08:49

If you and DH looked stunning would you have asked her to remove the photos?
My point is what is the reason.
If you post pictures of your DD online then it's not privacy issue is it. No SM platform is safe IG/FB irrespective of which ever privacy settings you choose.
Sounds like a control thing - all power to you - it's your DD - but own the reasons why.

rainbowstardrops · 07/05/2024 08:54

I think you've sent mixed messages to her. You haven't got a ban on photos of DD being shared, so she shared them.
Your issue is your ex and his family seeing them. Especially as you said they weren't very flattering photos.
That's probably why she's miffed with you.

Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 09:10

@rainbowstardrops yes that’s exactly it, I’ve never asked her to take anything down before

OP posts:
Stainglasses · 07/05/2024 09:12

Totally reasonable to ask her not to publicise a private family event. I’d really hate that

Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 09:14

I thought it was odd to be taking phone pictures at a baptism anyway and didn’t expect people to, you wouldn’t take pics of a wedding ceremony would you? Maybe that’s just me

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 07/05/2024 09:16

Your sister needs to learn that she can share her own life online, not everyone else's.

So picture of herself at christening... fine. Maybe a photo with her and baby, or a group family shot.
Not the actual ceremony

Charl1991 · 07/05/2024 10:59

@Moonshine5 even if we looked amazing I wouldn’t want candid pics from the baptism ceremony online really, seems a bit much to share

OP posts:
alloweraoway · 07/05/2024 11:01

I think christenings, like weddings, are public, and anyone is allowed to walk in or be there, so I don't really know that you can realistically ban photos. But fair enough, you asked her to remove them and she has.

Haydenn · 07/05/2024 11:03

It sounds like you don’t like the photos of yourself being shared and are just using your DD as an excuse. You say you can’t really see your DD in them? I think you were wrong to frame it as her making a massive safeguarding faux pas when in reality it is vanity.

I wouldn’t think twice of posting pictures of a family event online. If one of my family members said “I look bloody awful in that picture could you take it down” I would without hesitation, but be honest about it.

ButterflySkies · 07/05/2024 11:08

Not at all - my daughter isnt on social media and my DH doesnt use it. He would have seen red if something like this was posted - because he had been shared and her, and a private event. She should have asked, she didnt, you asked for them to be removed. No damage done.

I could understand her sharing her photos if you had put them on first, but it dont think you have from your posts.

Just ignore the comments! People have different views on social media. You're allowed to ask for photos to be taken down if you dont like them or want them on there, you dont need a reason xx

saraclara · 07/05/2024 11:12

If her Facebook account isn't locked to friends only, then I would use that as your reason for asking her to take things down/not post photos of your child or you.

Point out that your ex and family can see them and you need your privacy from him. Make it clear that it's the photos being available publically that you're not comfortable with.

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