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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5th birthday party etiquette

48 replies

shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:30

I'll start by saying I'm a pretty relaxed parent. I do not helicopter. I keep an eye, and I expect my children to conduct themselves appropriately, which they usually do. Could go into what happens when they don't, but it's not at all relevant for the following story...

Today I was at a 5th birthday party, it wasn't structured, the kids were pretty much free playing and having a marvellous time whilst most parents nattered and occasionally intervened. A few parents were following their kids more closely, some in the middle, some totally letting them be free range.

DC started playing with another kid who was within arms length of their parent. They're school friends, but we do not know them well. The kids were playing nicely, noone was being OTT, people were taking turns, being inclusive, playing imaginative games, running around etc. My DC was within my eye range at all times, but I reckon I was probably 20-30m away so couldn't hear what was going on other than the occasional snippet when they came nearer. But, I think you get a vibe when 5 year olds are playing nicely or if they need a bit more overseeing, and the whole vibe of the party was relaxed.

After about half an hour the parent of the other child came over and said 'I think it's your turn now'. I was genuinely really confused, and asked what that meant. Apparently it was my turn to follow the children around so she could have a chat as she'd been 'looking after both children for the whole party and would also like to relax'. I kindly said 'I just let DC run around and have fun, they can see where I am if they need me' and she looked at me like I'd grown an extra head. When it became clear I wasn't going to go over and start hovering around the kids she said something like 'that's completely unreasonable' as she walked away back to following the kids around again. It was mega uncomfortable. May have been in my head but I felt like she was glaring daggers at me. I went to the loo not long after and when I came back she'd left the party early.

I really didn't want to be rude, and I don't think I was in what I said (I was polite), but I'm worried I was unreasonable?! It wasn't like I was the only one letting my kid run around without being within my reach, just that my child and hers happened to start playing together so she seemed to feel like she was monitoring them both?!

AIBU and I should have taken a turn hovering so she could chat, or was it totally unreasonable of her to expect I should up my level of parenting to match hers when I'm comfortable being way more hands off?

OP posts:
Readingtheworld · 06/05/2024 21:34

You ANBU, I’m sure we adults were all in the kitchen or sat on the patio at that age of party. What does she think happens at school in what I would imagine is a similar safe but free play sort of an environment?

Yellowhammer09 · 06/05/2024 21:35

Holy moly, she's BVU. She was smothering them. Gotcha.

I'm the same as you. Chill out and relax a bit, let kids have fun.

Invisimamma · 06/05/2024 21:40

YANBU

I have the a similar issue with some of my 13 year olds friends Mum's, they want to orchestrate all the arrangements and ferry kids everywhere by car, whereas I'm quite happy to let them make their own plans and would rather they walk or get the bus. So long as I know where there are and they keep in touch. It's a shame as it's meant he's drifted from those friends a bit as I'm not facilitating playdates for teenagers.

Some parents struggle to let their kids gain age appropriate independence. Playing at a party within eye-shot of a parent is completely normal! She was ott! I'd be quite happy for the parent 2 or 3 year old to do the same as you did.

Mnk711 · 06/05/2024 21:40

Yanbu, if you could physically see your child from where you were I think it's fine. I do though find it annoying when parents just assume their child is playing nicely and totally ignore them as they often aren't. Particularly in mixed age settings with babies and toddlers around (which I appreciate this wasn't).

She may have been annoyed as she felt your response was a slight on her parenting, as well as not being helpful. I'd probably have said 'I tend to take the approach that if I can see her and that she's ok all is fine, but I'm happy to go over there for 5 mins if that'd make you more comfortable whilst you have a chat.'

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 21:40

I'm kind of on the fence here. If she's happy to leave her child to go chat, then perhaps there was a reason she felt she had to stay and supervise the two children together. You were too far away to hear what was going on. Perhaps they only looked like they had a nice vibe because she was interjecting and settling lots of little disagreements. Or stopping them running somewhere they shouldn't.

Or, she was hovering entirely unnecessarily and thought you should too.

I would err on the side of the former. She clearly thought they needed supervision together and she'd been doing it all up to that point while you socialised. That's why she got annoyed that you didn't reciprocate.

cadburyegg · 06/05/2024 21:44

Hahahaha YANBU

ilovepixie · 06/05/2024 21:45

My kids parties and all the parties they attended were all drip and go from school age on!

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 06/05/2024 21:47

We went to a 5th birthday party on the weekend, very similar set up but no parents were following their children to that degree?! My daughter would ask me why I was following her

BendingSpoons · 06/05/2024 21:50

No way do I hover over my 5yo. I tend to sit where I can see the exit. Then even if I can't see him constantly, I know he's playing somewhere. (DS would never wander off but I worry (fairly irrationally) about abduction.) Most parties he goes to are with his school friends where clearly the teacher isn't following them all around. They're pretty good at telling an adult if there is a problem - usually X isn't sharing or I bumped my elbow.

NewName24 · 06/05/2024 21:50

Of course YWNBU.

She sounds over involved. They are 5! (Well, the youngest 1/4 would be 4). They've all been at school for 7 months.
At that age, my dcs parties, and those they attended, children were dropped off and parents collected at the end.

Original poster
shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:51

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 21:40

I'm kind of on the fence here. If she's happy to leave her child to go chat, then perhaps there was a reason she felt she had to stay and supervise the two children together. You were too far away to hear what was going on. Perhaps they only looked like they had a nice vibe because she was interjecting and settling lots of little disagreements. Or stopping them running somewhere they shouldn't.

Or, she was hovering entirely unnecessarily and thought you should too.

I would err on the side of the former. She clearly thought they needed supervision together and she'd been doing it all up to that point while you socialised. That's why she got annoyed that you didn't reciprocate.

Fair! Forgot to say above I did ask...and I can't remember my exact phrasing... something like 'Oh is everything okay?' and she was really breezy/didn't make any suggestions that anything negative had happened. I think her wording was 'oh they've been playing so nicely together! Just think it's time for a changing of the guard'. But yes, your suggestion is why I can't stop thinking about it.

Wondering what it'll be like at the gates in the morning.

OP posts:
lightsandtunnels · 06/05/2024 21:51

How on earth does this Mum think the teacher copes with 30 in a class? YANBU at all. She sounds super anxious. Bu that is her problem and not yours. If you could see your DC the whole time and they knew where you were sitting I don't see a problem at all!

Original poster
shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:53

@NewName24 @ilovepixie oo drop off parties!! Haven't reached that level yet. We're one of the first in the year with a birthday so maybe we'll see if we can set the tone for next year 😅

OP posts:
K37529 · 06/05/2024 21:54

Weird that she felt two 5 year olds need that level of supervision. As long as you can see them they’re fine, they don’t need you hovering over them.

Original poster
shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:54

Mnk711 · 06/05/2024 21:40

Yanbu, if you could physically see your child from where you were I think it's fine. I do though find it annoying when parents just assume their child is playing nicely and totally ignore them as they often aren't. Particularly in mixed age settings with babies and toddlers around (which I appreciate this wasn't).

She may have been annoyed as she felt your response was a slight on her parenting, as well as not being helpful. I'd probably have said 'I tend to take the approach that if I can see her and that she's ok all is fine, but I'm happy to go over there for 5 mins if that'd make you more comfortable whilst you have a chat.'

That would have been much better phrasing! Eep.

OP posts:
Ineedaholidayyyy · 06/05/2024 21:54

I've been to a fair few 5th birthday parties this year. Parents all stay at this age and just keep an eye from a distance, nobody is following their child around! The only time I have been to a party where the mum was keeping closer tabs than other parents was the mum of a boy who has SEN and is prone to hitting other kids, however even she wasn't smothering her child and following him everywhere.

You are definitely not being unreasonable

BendingSpoons · 06/05/2024 21:55

shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:51

Fair! Forgot to say above I did ask...and I can't remember my exact phrasing... something like 'Oh is everything okay?' and she was really breezy/didn't make any suggestions that anything negative had happened. I think her wording was 'oh they've been playing so nicely together! Just think it's time for a changing of the guard'. But yes, your suggestion is why I can't stop thinking about it.

Wondering what it'll be like at the gates in the morning.

Show quote history

I wouldn't over think this. She is being overprotective, it's not on you to sort. If they were having disagreements she should have either told you when asked or gently encouraged her child to move on and play with someone else. Hopefully she will start to relax as she gets more used to these scenarios.

Dramatic · 06/05/2024 21:55

Yeah yanbu at all, my dd has just turned 4 and I wouldn't even be following her at this age let alone in a years time.

MississippiAF · 06/05/2024 21:58

Yanbu. She can be anxious if she wants, you don’t need to take a turn because she’s anxious.

Original poster
shouldprobablyturnalighton · 06/05/2024 21:58

BendingSpoons · 06/05/2024 21:55

I wouldn't over think this. She is being overprotective, it's not on you to sort. If they were having disagreements she should have either told you when asked or gently encouraged her child to move on and play with someone else. Hopefully she will start to relax as she gets more used to these scenarios.

Show quote history

Thank you :) I do have a tendency to overthink, which probably seems weird considering how relaxed I am most of the time. I just never want to think I ruined someone's day by misreading a situation and acting inappropriately.

OP posts:
Hotttchoc · 06/05/2024 21:58

That's weird OP. Weird of her I mean!

I think if your child was misbehaving or hitting hers or something then she should have said but otherwise it's up to her to monitor her child and you to monitor yours as you see fit. She shouldn't have assumed she was minding your child for you.

We were at a 3 y o party at the weekend so younger kids but if I was with my dc I'd naturally keep a loose eye on the others too but I would never them get up and ask the other parents to do so!

PrincessTeaSet · 06/05/2024 22:00

Recent parties we've been to the kids have been upstairs in bedrooms with no adults for a lot of the time - mixed ages 2-5. Occasionally someone will go and check or respond to crying but wouldn't occur to me to supervise constantly.
There is one person whose kids are inclined to hit other kids and she does watch hers more closely (they usually end up leaving early) but that is her job not someone else's.

Ladyluckinred · 06/05/2024 22:04

Your fine, your child is your responsibility and you could see her. No need to hover around two 5 year olds playing nicely. If she wants to, that’s her choice. Just be casual at school drop off tomorrow, you’ve done nothing wrong. Maybe she felt a little embarrassed for making an issue out of nothing but couldn’t back track. My DD is really responsible and so I’ve always felt confident letting her play and just keeping an eye out. My son is younger and I stay a little closer and do follow him around but I wouldn’t dream of asking another parent to ‘swap’ with me. I’m not watching their child per se, I’m watching my own. When my sons moves on, so do I, unless I’ve been asked to keep an eye out for another LO.

surreygirl1987 · 07/05/2024 00:33

Ineedaholidayyyy · 06/05/2024 21:54

I've been to a fair few 5th birthday parties this year. Parents all stay at this age and just keep an eye from a distance, nobody is following their child around! The only time I have been to a party where the mum was keeping closer tabs than other parents was the mum of a boy who has SEN and is prone to hitting other kids, however even she wasn't smothering her child and following him everywhere.

You are definitely not being unreasonable

Yeh, I'm a mum like that. I hover a little bit and keep a closer eye on my son than other parents do. But that's us. I would never in a million years dream of telling another parent it's their turn! The mum was bonkers.

TizerorFizz · 07/05/2024 00:47

My DC are 31 and 29. Obviously I took them to many parties. Never ever stayed. I asked parents if they wanted a drink when they picked up and if they wanted to stay a bit and socialise. Some did, some didn’t. Never wanted them the whole event when they were at school. Although I remember one mum did once, but she would not let her DD go in anyone else’s car either, for years. Plus I organised games or an entertainer. How times change in 25 years!