5th birthday party etiquette

[shouldprobablyturnalighton]

I'll start by saying I'm a pretty relaxed parent. I do not helicopter. I keep an eye, and I expect my children to conduct themselves appropriately, which they usually do. Could go into what happens when they don't, but it's not at all relevant for the following story...

Today I was at a 5th birthday party, it wasn't structured, the kids were pretty much free playing and having a marvellous time whilst most parents nattered and occasionally intervened. A few parents were following their kids more closely, some in the middle, some totally letting them be free range.

DC started playing with another kid who was within arms length of their parent. They're school friends, but we do not know them well. The kids were playing nicely, noone was being OTT, people were taking turns, being inclusive, playing imaginative games, running around etc. My DC was within my eye range at all times, but I reckon I was probably 20-30m away so couldn't hear what was going on other than the occasional snippet when they came nearer. But, I think you get a vibe when 5 year olds are playing nicely or if they need a bit more overseeing, and the whole vibe of the party was relaxed.

After about half an hour the parent of the other child came over and said 'I think it's your turn now'. I was genuinely really confused, and asked what that meant. Apparently it was my turn to follow the children around so she could have a chat as she'd been 'looking after both children for the whole party and would also like to relax'. I kindly said 'I just let DC run around and have fun, they can see where I am if they need me' and she looked at me like I'd grown an extra head. When it became clear I wasn't going to go over and start hovering around the kids she said something like 'that's completely unreasonable' as she walked away back to following the kids around again. It was mega uncomfortable. May have been in my head but I felt like she was glaring daggers at me. I went to the loo not long after and when I came back she'd left the party early.

I really didn't want to be rude, and I don't think I was in what I said (I was polite), but I'm worried I was unreasonable?! It wasn't like I was the only one letting my kid run around without being within my reach, just that my child and hers happened to start playing together so she seemed to feel like she was monitoring them both?!

AIBU and I should have taken a turn hovering so she could chat, or was it totally unreasonable of her to expect I should up my level of parenting to match hers when I'm comfortable being way more hands off?

YANBU. I have a friend like this. Going to softplay with her is always stressful as she can't sit and relax (we have sensible 8 year olds...!).

Her 8 year old will come to her to sort out any issue though. Whereas my son has learnt to deal with any minor argument (obviously anything major he would find me so I can deal with it)

I can’t believe she left early. Her poor child. Also, she just sounds awful - “time for a changing of the guard”? Yikes. So, so twee and bossy.

You should have said 'You needn't have worried about my DC I've been keeping an eye on him all the time, just from a distance. Are your DC and mine playing together at the minute?'

What would she have done if your DC had decided to go off and play with someone else? And what would you be supposed to do if her DC went off to play with someone else? You can only really watch your own child unless they are best buds, came to the party together and stay together. No one should expect you to take responsibility for their DC randomly like that.

Update:

Approached her at drop off this morning and asked if everything was okay yesterday as they left early. She'd left because she was uncomfortable, angry and didn't want to cause a scene at the party. Considering all she'd heard about my DC she thought I'd be more hands on. I've barely spoken to this woman or kid since September. I don't think I've been at any parties with them so far. This was baffling. I've no idea how I stayed calm but I politely questioned again if my DC had misbehaved in anyway, and also what she'd heard.

Long story short, there's another kid in the year with a similar sounding name to mine who is a bit of a handful. Spirited, I think would be the nice description. They weren't at the party, but she thought it was my DC hence the hovering and not wanting to leave her kid unattended with them.

Her response 'Well the names are very similar. I should get to work'.

Just gonna take a deep breath and let that one blow over. I'm actually really glad it was me having the chat and not the mum of the spirited kid. His mum is super sensitive about his behaviours, and seriously doing her best. We've known them a few years and he's actually a lot calmer than he was, largely I believe because he's had bloody excellent parents and help from the school. I think if she'd been told 'after all I've heard about your child' she'd have been really upset. So there's a silver lining in there.

Mystery resolved.

What a minefield. In my day parents didn’t invite spirited children. It was very noticeable! Or parent was asked to stay.

The spirited child wasn't actually at the party, so may have well been what happened. I'm not sure.

That's reassuring about my parenting choices!! Thanks :D

YANBU some people haven't learned to land their helicopters yet.

Although where I live 5th birthday parties (P1) was the year parents stopped staying at parties. (Thank God)

Yes. Unless child has needs, parents can leave. As they do at school. Good old fashioned games do make quite a fun party though. Just needs the prep!

It would be mean to exclude one child though if inviting the whole class to a party.

I am holding a party for my child at a soft play centre. He is in reception so I've invited the whole class including the child who has autism and hits others. I'm not going to be that parent who deliberately excludes one child, I know his mum will stay and watch and intervene if needed.

@Ineedaholidayyyy We has 30 in a class for DD1 so loads were not invited. Dc chose who they wanted. No whole class parties because class was too big and a hall would be needed. DD certainly never went to one.

Private school we used later for DD2 didn’t have disruptive dc. There were whole class parties occasionally. Others just did something for a small group.

YANBU

The first couple of 5th birthday parties after starting school parents stayed, but didn't hover. Most were soft play and kids ran free. Parents sat in cafe couldn't see or hear them.
After October half term people gradually stopped staying unless they wanted to natter and have coffee.

Thanks all for your responses!!

Not going to start going into why this wasn't a drop off party, or why certain people were or were not there. I wasn't the host so really aren't sure of all those details.

Seems like it was a misunderstanding. Kinda hoping it's all done and dusted now.

I have to watch my child closer (additional needs) I never expect others to do the same and definitely not to watch mine.

How rude and judgmental of her to decide how a child she's never met should be parented.

Her response 'Well the names are very similar. I should get to work'.

Wow, did she not apologise profusely for her embarrassing display? I can't imagine anyone I know acting like this. Poor other kid and parents.

Wow, she sounds insufferable. Her behaviour at the party was bad enough, but her comments today were worse. “Considering all she’d heard” about a child = listening to gossip. Even though she misidentified your child as the “spirited” one, that’s almost beside the point. Her attitude sounds awful.

I kinda assumed maybe she was embarrassed? I would have been. But tbh people surprised me constantly so maybe I should stop assuming.

This. I never stay! Unless I have offered to help the birthday child’s parent out.

@TizerorFizz I agree, I'm not saying the whole class should be invited, but I think it would be unfair to invite say 24 of 25 kids because one has SEN for example. In our case it's a mixed class of rec and Y1, so we've invited all if the rec and not the Y1s as it would have exceeded the numbers!

@shouldprobablyturnalighton even if she was embarrassed, her response is pretty poor! She should have just accepted she was the one in the wrong and offered an apology for the misunderstanding.

Thanks for saying that, my opinion too, but am trying to be more 'you do you' about things. Peoples reactions is outside of my circle of influence, so best not to stress about it. Have enough going on with the ones inside the circle 😂

Wow! What does she think happens at school in the playground??

I remember a parent being shitty with me about my son's behaviour and talking to other parents. Turns out it was a different child with same first name!

Really hurtful and potentially detrimental to my child in terms of friendship and invites.