Is my attitude towards my relationship normal?

[Karp]

DP and I have a 14 month old baby, plus children from previous relationships. Since having the baby, our relationship has changed and is understandably strained. We are struggling with a busy household, lack of sleep, demanding jobs etc.

DP has always needed and wanted more downtime than me, and he does go out regularly. He has a hobby that he does every other weekend, and usually spends at least one evening a week out with friends. Although I don’t have the same need to go out, I do understand it’s important for him. He mostly asks me if I mind, and most of the time I don’t.

Two weekends ago he went and spent the day with a friend and then stayed at theirs overnight. Last weekend he spent two days and nights away for a friend’s big birthday. Next weekend he has a stag do, and he has now just asked me if I mind if he goes out and stays with a friend again this weekend. So, that will be four weekends in a row where he hasn’t been at home.

It’s definitely not an affair for those whose mind may come to that conclusion - I know that all of these planned events / staying with friends are legit and verifiable.

My attitude is that, if he thinks this is okay behaviour, to crack on. I’ve had too many relationships that were riddled with arguments, explanations of feelings, why ‘x’ behaviour isn’t okay or is taking the piss out of me. I wouldn’t dream of taking the piss out of him (or anyone I liked) like this and I also wouldn’t want to be away from my DP or the children with such frequency. I guess my approach is just to ‘store this one in the memory’ and carry on. Just a general feeling of can’t be arsed to explain to a grown man why this really isn’t okay, and why it would be upsetting to me and the kids.

Speak up. Don't be the cool dw... Be the one with shite relationships behind her who expects more now....

I’m not the ‘cool dw’, I’m the ‘store it in the memory’ for the day I get so pissed off that I fuck off 😂

Say no, OP. Ok for the big birthday and the stag do, but not the weekend in between.

"plus children from previous relationships"

• *- your children, his, or a mixture? If they're his and he disappears every weekend for hobby/stag do/sleep over at his mates I'd be objecting if in your shoes.

But by not raising it, you're teaching him this is okay. If it's not okay, you have to tell him that.

You need to use your voice and tell him how his actions make you feel. Tell him your expectations of him.

If you can't be bothered to communicate your needs to him why should be bothered to try to meet your needs.

You need to be honest with him. I tend to not say and then seethe unhealthily

@MissConductUS @GeckoFeet Because in my mind, it’s common sense and courtesy that this behaviour isn’t okay, so why should I have a voice that? And if he doesn’t want to be with me or his children for 4 weekends in a row, then it says it all really!

If you don't think it's ok then SAY so

It started out sounding like you were OK with it and understanding towards him and then slowly became "I couldn't do it and I judge him silently"

@ThinWomansBrain mixture.

Because in my mind, it’s common sense and courtesy that this behaviour isn’t okay

Because he's not got your mind
so why should I have a voice that?

What do you think your voice is for?

And if he doesn’t want to be with me or his children for 4 weekends in a row, then it says it all really!

But he thinks you are OK with it. He might not feel needed.

Because it might be common sense to YOU but as you don't say anything you're basically saying it is OK

He probably sees it as being with friends not avoiding family and thinks you're fine with it because you just allow him. Especially as he ASKED and you didn't say "I'd rather you spent this weekend with us as you've got those two big events either side. I thought we could go to X"

Men's brains don't work that way. You have to be very, very clear with them. They don't do subtle or nuance.

He's thinking, "Some women would be okay with this; she must be one of them."

It's incredibly passive - aggressive of you, do you struggle to communicate in other ways?

I would be asking him when is my downtime. My DH worked the whole bank holiday weekend and asked me if he could work again next Saturday. I said it was up to him, but as he was working all this weekend it would be nice for us to get more family or alone time next weekend. He didn't take the work. I do think it's better to say something rather than seethe.

The more he asks and you let him, the more that he'll demand.

You need to do tit for tat.

Meaning , you spent all of last Saturday at football then I'll spend all of next Saturday at the spa.

Golf=gym

Football = dancing

And so forth.

Because in my mind, it’s common sense and courtesy that this behaviour isn’t okay

I totally agree and think that any grown man with a moral compass wouldn't have to have this explained to them.

so are you looking after his children while he is off with hobby or spending time with friends, or are they with their mother at weekends?

I think your attitude is very strange.

He has asked you if you mind. You do mind, but you have said that you don't. This seems to be because you think he will argue or demand an explanation, and you can't be arsed to explain why, you think it should be obvious why.

Maybe he would have just said "OK no problem" and not gone?

People don't all have the same thoughts about things - to you, it's "taking the piss" and he shouldn't be happy being away from you and the DC. That is not common sense and courtesy, that's just your opinion, which is perfectly valid BTW, the only unreasonable thing is expecting him to magically know what your relationship boundaries/preferences/expectations are when he has explicitly asked you and you've said it's fine

Don't store it up for some kind of points thing to throw at him later. Let him know how you feel and then see whether he goes or not.

I now hate the word "hobby" because of all the threads on here. It makes me irrationally angry!

I think I’d just say something along the lines of, “you know I’ve never minded you hanging with friends and having your own time, but I’d occasionally like you to think actually no I need to spend time with my family, and I’d like you to thing of that all by yourself, not needed to be told.” Once you’ve said it once I wouldn’t repeat it,

Sorry, this is BS. Of course they know, they just continue despite it.

@Didimum This!

I think I’d either voice it and outline that I’m clearly not ok with it, nor do I understand why he’d want to be gone so much, or I’d cut my cloth and go.

I’d not wait brewing and wasting my time for months and years silently building up resentments and points to throw back when I dramatically leave.

It sounds like he's considerate of you and his family by consulting with you, which is points to him. The frustration comes, and I very much get this, when it then feels like DH will push that as far as he can and put you in the position of saying no which then makes you feel like a killjoy and that he doesn't value/choose time with his family.

On the other hand, storing it for points later on isn't cool - it sounds like you're looking to weaponise it because you're pissed off and want to build up some ammunition. He's not a mind reader and he probably thinks he's being fair. He might be thinking it just so happens it's four weeks in a row, that's unusual etc.

Choose if you want to ramp up the strain in your relationship or try and reduce it. If the latter, just tell him how you feel and make him understand that consultation is great, but sometimes he needs to take the initiative when he knows it's too much and not put it on you.