To be upset son didn’t tell me about his girlfriend?

[Badabingy]

I found out this weekend that my son has had a girlfriend for 6 months and didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me- his brother found out and announced it to the family.
He is lower sixth so of course he’s entitled to have a girlfriend and not to say anything, and I’m pleased he has met someone he clearly likes. But I just feel really sad that all this time he’s not mentioned it (not helped by his sibling, when I told them I felt sad, joked that it’s because I’m a bad mum). I am quite an open and chatty person, and he’s obviously been going off to see this girl when telling me he was going to a friends (in all likelihood I think he does go to the friends and they then head out and meet up with a group of girls, so he’s not exactly lying, just omitting information). I’d love to have the type of relationship where he feels he could talk to me about this type of stuff and am not quite sure where it’s gone wrong. Or maybe there’s nothing I could have done- it’s just the way he is? Any tips about getting him to open up in the future would be really appreciated. I’m dreading uni - I genuinely don’t think I’ll hear from him…

Did you tell your parents everything? I certainly didn't!

It's important that he feels he can talk to you about things that he needs to talk to you about - but it's also important that he has the autonomy to decide when he tells you what's going on for him.

No I didn’t, and I don’t expect him to. But a girlfriend of 6 months is a bit different.

Your son’s relationship is really none of your business. The more you push him to “open up” the further he will push you away. Leave him to get on with his life. If he goes to university and decides not to contact you - that is his choice and you should respect that. That’s just the way he is. It’s a harsh truth that our children will no longer need us at some stage in their lives.

I think he probably didnt feel like you chatting at him about it and wanted to just have this new experience without feeling under the magnifying glass!

He is your son, not your mate. It is perfectly reasonable not to tell a parent about a relationship until it has some legs. I still wait at least a year and I am in my 40s.

Why do you think he didn't tell you?

I think it's a mistake that you've made a big deal out of him not telling you - being openly sad about it and saying you must be a bad mum is quite oppressive and emotional blackmaily. It wouldn't make me want to confide in you in future.

Maybe they've been friends with benefits/non exclusive etc for several months and only now deemed it serious enough to mention?
As long as you don't get really nosy and intrusive, you know you've done nothing to discourage him from sharing it with you.
He may find talking about such things too cringe with his mum. I know I would never ever speak of that side of things with my dad when he was alive.

I mean a gf isn’t really any of your business is it. Nobody tells their parents everything. It’s six months not hugely long and for all you know could have been an announcement next weekend kinda thing, or maybe he doesn’t actually see it as long long term so didn’t feel the need to l introduce her.

I haven’t made a big deal out of it to him at all. I mentioned it to his sibling, that’s all (just commenting I was surprised to hear the news). He wouldn’t know I am upset about it. The bad mum comment was made by his sibling as a joke not by me.

Ah, fair enough. Misread, sorry.

I’m yet again surprised at the answers on here.
A 17 year old (child?) who still lives at home and apparently has a close and loving family has kept a quite significant fact about his life completely secret for 6 months and that’s considered to be totally ok?
He’s been lying about his whereabouts and who he’s been spending time with.
I too would be hurt if this was me.
I’d also be pretty hurt if was the girlfriend.
Of course he doesn’t have to tell you this kind of stuff but I totally understand why you’re upset that he hasn’t. In a loving, supportive family I have no idea why you wouldn’t.
I’d be most uncomfortable about the lying also.

YABU.

And this when I told them I felt sad, joked that it’s because I’m a bad mum is a very manipulative thing to say to them.

Please see above, I md turned to the sibling I felt a bit sad about it. I’ve not let on to the son in question that I feel this way, I haven’t pried either. I have a lot of friends whose sons share details with them like this- I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want the same closeness or to ask how I might achieve it.

Thank you for this- you’ve hit the nail on the head and I feel better for reading this.

I'm that girlfriends mum I think. My daughter's boyfriend spends lots of time here , we've cooked for him , welcomed him , it's clear they're both having sex ( she 18 , he is 18 they're both taking precautions) she still hasn't met his mum / dad or brothers and although I keep this opinion to myself, I'm beyond annoyed that he hasn't introduced her . She's clever , kind , in college, has a part time job and beautiful.it feels like he's embarrassed about her and it's really.put me off him. I know I'm biased but if my son brought home someone as amazing as my daughter I'd be overjoyed

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend for many months that my mother knew nothing about; she thought we were close (we weren't) and I knew she'd disapprove since she disapproved of every friend I had and was very judgy. She only found out about my boyfriend by accident when she bumped into a friend of mine - she was very angry about it.

Perhaps your son doesn't think you'll approve?

This is going to need some self reflection.

As painful as it might be, you need to consider why he did not tell you. You describe the close relationship you have, but he might not see it this way.

I learnt a long time ago that what I think of as close and open can quickly tip over into intrusive. Try to think about it that you raised him to confident and have all the facts so he doesn't need to ask for advice.

As a tip you are more likely to find out if he is seeing someone if you let them stay over 🤣

He'll tell you when he's ready.

Do you mither him and pressure him to be more open with you? If so you're probably pushing him further away

I’m sorry but this is quite mad. If he ‘decides not to contact you’ at university??? Fuck that. When did society become like this? Zero respect or consideration for parents being just fine?

I bet he’d still take financial contributions from the parents he didn’t want to contact

I guarded my romantic privacy from the age of about 16. Was fierce about it. My love life was mine and not for my parents to have ANY opinion on.

Any expression of opinion from them was excruciating.

I loved and love my parents. We have a very good relationship.

Creating privacy is a sign of maturity.

It sounds like you must view the world through some rather sad specs.

I don’t think a mother should ever stop trying to offer her love and care to her children, no matter how old they are or where they’re located.

You could start by not making everything about you.

I agree with everyone (except Smartiepants I think).

Perfectly normal for teens to be coy about any relationship.
Perfectly normal to know you are going to be mocked and embarrassed by your sibling, or that your parents will do or say something embarrassing (to them - we all are - I'm not suggesting anything about you OP, just at 16, most teens are very, very sensitive.) Plus, 'having a girlfriend' can just be 'being friends with' at this stage - nothing you'd need to tell your parents about.
Perfectly normal for parents not to know about most school age relationships

Thank goodness, someone with sense. I was reading the responses in horror, thinking, "Why are they going for this poor woman "
I would feel pretty hurt, gutted infact if my son had kept this from me.
The only explanation I'd like to think is that he was shy/embarrassed about it. I remember feeling a bit like that with 1st boyfriends. My family would have took the piss, mind.