Hate it now Dd is at school

[Thesunscomingout]

Dd is 5 and has just started going to Pre school full time in preparation for September, when she’ll be in every day. I just miss our time together so much and those slow days. I work part time around her and fill my days with chores, work planning, dog walks and sometimes seeing friends, but I miss it being just us and the places we’d go and activities we’d do together. The weekends are busy and she’s always with neighbour friends or we have parties etc, it was just different when just us. I’m feeling the change in our bond as we’re not together a lot of the time now

@Changingplace I’m back full time in September, tbh I have no interest in my career anymore and my happiest times were being at home in the early years (worked full time all my life up until having her late)

You now need to become somebody who can guide your DD through the future stages of her life rather than just being ‘mummy’ to a little one. Become independent, have your own interests, be a bit knowledgeable about the workplace. It’s lovely doing the messy place stuff when they’re pre school but you also need to be somebody capable of guiding them as they get older.

@hjrl Does her school object at all/make other comments? What do you do on the days off? I’m a teacher so teach her too myself and we do so many activities/days out and really enjoy our time together

I found out the animal and play park we spent so many of my days off at do a reduced rate after school. Sometimes on my day off I pick up the eldest and we go for a quick play and an ice cream after school. It feels like old times, can you do something like that? Bring her scooter or bike and go out after school, or see if there's any activities on you can do before you get home from the school run?

@Welovecrumpets I still work and have my own interests and have retained some independence etc

@Welovecrumpets I’m not sure what you mean? Why wouldn’t I be capable of leading her as she gets older?

@Thesunscomingout

I think when it started school were more unsure around the workings.

One mum talks of them being tricky with her eldest but much more of a joint effort now.

It's a sort of hybrid of school and home school.

They don't like us to take Monday, which is fine. That's the learning plan for week day.

There a few of us so Friday we all tend to meet. Either join in with home school activities or set our own, always outside.

Thursday is our day, varies each week.

Lots are on farms, so the kids help there. Mine are but a little young yet. Some are working in other outdoor areas. Horses are a big thing for lots of people.

School are good so like this week it's closed Monday Tuesday so mine can go in Thursday and Friday if I wanted to keep her school hours much the same.

A Friday here is PE and wind down anyway so nothing missed.

I think as your kids get older it's more important to have your own interests. You need to be a person to them and not just mum.

@Stickthatupyourdojo Yes, I’ve started doing that, it’s nice, but still doesn’t feel the same, those quiet days when most others were at work and school
I went shopping the other day, it’s her favourite place to go, we’d go to a cafe, stroll around, buy some crafts etc, have lunch. We can do that at a weekend, but it’s so busy, we likely run into friends (which is nice) but it changes the day
Its just different, I probably sound so ridiculous to feel quite bereft about it

I understand OP. I think you are perhaps experiencing some loss about the life stage that your DD (and you) have been through. My Dd is 10 and I often think parenting is like a process of gradually letting go. It’s OK to feel this and completely normal. Yes some people do try and delay this feeling by having more children but some can’t or don’t want to do this. Either way there will always be a sense of loss with the youngest.

@Thesunscomingout But the principle is the same.

My ds is August born which meant in the UK, he started full time primary school at 4years 3weeks.

You have to adapt with them if you don't want to spend the years at a loose end and feeling lonely..

I completely understand, OP. It’s normal to miss a time in your child’s life/your life as a mother. Can you think of something new you and your daughter can do together - something that will be fun for both of you, and that she couldn’t do when she was younger? Or come up with some outing for the two of you and schedule it on the calendar.

Well my mum was very trapped in the baby/preschool stage with all of us, she gave up all her interests for a very long time to be ‘mummy’ and as we got older she just wasn’t somebody who you could really go to for advice on anything, because her personal experience of life became so limited to caring for small children. Mums like this tend to then work part time forever and retreat into their houses because they’re not really sure how to get back out into the world any more.

Enjoy every minute ! But don't worry that your bond is getting weaker. My DD is going to be 37 next week, and yet we still have a wonderful bond despite her having her own husband and children. We still make time for mother / daughter time . You'll do that as time goes on - they move away from you and then they come back.

Absolutely 100% keep her part time for the last couple of months. She'd rather have that bit more time with you and you'd rather it too! She'll have no choice soon so absolutely make the most of it now. You'd be mad to do anything else IMO. She's only 5 and you're a teacher so she won't be missing out on anything!
Her teacher might feel differently though if the school only gets funding on the days she attends.....

I also think you need to reevaluate the ‘change in your bond’ thing. I suspect she doesn’t feel this at all, you do, because she’s no longer quite as reliant on you as she once was and you enjoy being relied upon by a small child.

Again my mum was like this, she loved small babies and toddlers because she was their world and didn’t like it when we gained more independence. It became a bit of a source of conflict over the years as she didn’t want us to grow up, so please tread carefully. Celebrate the fact you’ve been privileged enough to raise her to a point where she can go to school, make her own friends, take her first steps into the world outside the house.

OP your bond will change as she gets older whatever she's doing school wise.

@takemeawayagain Do you really think so? I think it’s the teacher always writing it on her report that annoys me, it isn’t compulsory to attend full time, so why write it
Part of me thinks, well she’s written it each time so what difference would one more report saying it make. I’m really not sure on the right thing to do

@Welovecrumpets I think you’re bringing your own personal experience into this, I’m not like your mum at all, I’m not massively into babies & toddlers, I just appreciate how valuable this last bit of time together could be

You know this is a difficult balance. She’s growing up and she will need more ‘teachers’ (and I mean in life not just in the academic sense) and need to gently be outside her own comfort zone. At some point she might even rebel- she might find you boring and dull and then she might come back to you. That’s the circle of life. And you have to find a way to remember fondly what was, but also look forward to the future. She is after all your daughter, not your friend.

My best friend’s mum had one daughter and she was the light and centre of her life. We used to think she was amazing growing up. My mum worked and hers was always there at pick up with bread and fruit. And they had this seemingly strong bond. She was not materially spoilt but her mum catered to her every emotional need. My mum was great but she was also busy and tired and exhausted and sometimes she shouted. Then it began to fade as they hit their teenage years and they began to argue. Now they are not very close at all and she was saying she feels closer to her dad because he has a wide variety of interests (that are different from hers) while she thinks her mum is still stuck in that bit where they were 9-10 and went shopping and did their nails. She is now not very feminine and not sure about kids and really feels the pressure from her mum and resents that further.

Till she died, funnily enough my mum and I had a great bond, in a way a much stronger bond than we did at 5 or 10. It took till I was in my 20s to appreciate my mum for the juggling she did, her career, her aspirations for me, her feminism and her steadfast refusal to be bound by gendered norms in her career (and this was India in the 1980s and 1990s….).

I don't think you're unreasonable or unusual OP. Some wild projection going on here, unfortunately!
If you're used to spending so much of your time with your child it's going to feel like a big shake up when they go to school. I remember feeling really sad when my eldest started reception, then I didn't mind so much with my middle child. The youngest is off to school this September and I'm thrilled
I'm back to working and enjoying being something other than mum but it was an adjustment and that's okay.

This is the reason I'm pregnant!

So cherish the time but cherish it for HER (before she’s in a routine that will last till she’s 18) rather than it being about you, (I mean that nicely). So in that spare time she has, what does she want to do that isn’t just with you? Because a routine that involves lunch and shopping etc is one that was devised by an adult. What does her free day look like? Might she want to draw, paint, run around in a field (aka my second child), read books- then you can be beside her and dip in and out and enjoy watching her. And yes it’s a big adjustment- and there is a rigidity to school life that makes things more formal and less carefree.

Bit extreme, she's 5 love calm down

I felt the same then mine started school. And I worked full time. But so much more flexibility with nursery than school. We could do days out, no fuss mornings and travelling without any restrictions.