WIBU to text apologies now?

[Bendegedig]

I have a long history of not replying to messages. I now know at the grand old age of 42 that I am neurodiverse which explains a lot. Also have/had huge self esteem issues and a traumatic home life as a child (raised by a violent unmedicated undiagnosed neurodiverse parent whose maladaptive coping strategy was alcoholism) but working through these with a therapist.
I'm trying to make/keep friends as I don't have many. It was drummed into me from a young age that people are only interested in you for what they can get (see above) and we weren't allowed friends round. Said parent used to say horrendously wicked things about family members so I grew up understandably with a skewed view of people and the world.
I've let friendships go through my "I'm not worthy of friends so if I ignore them they'll go away which reaffirms my belief I'm no good" mentality. I'm thinking of contacting people now to apologise for my behaviour, to assure them it wasn't anything they'd done. I do not expect anything in return, at all.
Would it seem really bizarre to get a message out the blue from somebody who ghosted you years/months back though?

YABU - leave well be. I had my chance & blew it.

YANBU - send a message. It might make them feel better & could lead to a friendship.

No harm trying - but I'd be honest in apologising for not contacting the last time

I think a healthier thing to do would be to put your energies into making new lasting friendships. No good can come out of sending those texts. You might not expect anything in return but the people you're sending them to don't know that. I wouldn't want to receive one and would find it unsettling.

I would send a message but not go into huge detail or overwrought apologies, just keep it light and breezy. Eg "Sorry I've not been in touch, it's been a bit of a tough few months/years" and then go on to ask how they are etc. Worth a try!

How long ago did you ghost them?
Will it feel like rejection if they don’t reply or tell you to fuck off?
You could be blocked and they’d never know or care why.
As a person with low self esteem, that could be damaging to you.

I would have moved on and not be interested in reigniting a friendship because I’d always be wary. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.

I'd be worried to receive a message like that. I'd presume you were going to kill yourself and wanted to right the wrongs you did first.

I think it might seem like an excuse to them rather than a reason, if that makes sense.
I think even though you say you wouldn’t want anything in return, it might be interpreted like you do by the recipients.

If it’s been months/years their lives will have moved on. I would concentrate on the future and future relationships/friendships, rather than looking back to the past.

If I hadn’t heard from you in months or even years, an apology probably wouldn’t matter to me either way, tbh. I’d have just assumed you had issues or stuff going on and mentally crossed you out of my life. But, I have a lot of friends and really good self esteem, and so it wouldn’t have occurred to me for a second that your lack of contact was a reflection on me or something I’d done.

You say you’re not expecting anything back, but is that actually the case? Is there a part of you that wants to apologise because you’d like the opportunity to rebuild the friendships? If so, then you’ve nothing to lose by explaining that your mental health was previously poor and that you’ve been working through things and are in a much better place now. Don’t be too obsequious or grovelling in your apology though: for some people this will be a red flag in itself that you’re still in a bad place and possibly just going to drop them again as a result, which they’ll want to avoid.

You talk about being bad at replying to messages, do you mean you have completely ghosted people, or just been slow to reply to the point the friendship has faded?

I would be concerned that if these people don’t reply, or block you, or do reply but say something a bit hurtful or dismissive, your mental health might take another knock. I also think this is more about you than them- they will have moved on, and most people don’t want/need this kind of closure on an old friendship that faded.

If I were you I think I’d focus on forging new friendships and chalk ones in the past up to experience to learn from. And do be aware that the instinct to push people away, even when you rationally can see you’re doing it and know it doesn’t serve you, can be a hard one to shake, so take it slowly and don’t over promise on the kind of friendship you can offer initially. Good luck OP!

Fair point. I'm not planning on attempting suicide though, just for clarification!

My initial reaction was to leave it be.

But then I remembered a friend I had who ghosted me out of the blue. We hadn’t had an argument, she just disappeared one day. I would genuinely be happy to hear from her and find out what happened.

So I say go for it, you have nothing to lose. If they don’t reply, respect that.

Good advice! 👍
I genuinely can't imagine having lots of friends and good self esteem. I'm hopefully raising my two to be like that though. I'm definitely trying anyway!!

I have to agree with PP - I would move forwards rather than dwell on any previous mistakes made. There's a lot o be said about fresh starts, especially now that you have a new understanding of who you are, and what you want out of friendships.

If you revisit past relationships, you may put a lot of pressure on yourself to fix things and prove yourself rather than just allowing you to be you.

Anyway, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You dealt with things in the way you thought best at the time. You were protecting yourself.

I can totally relate to having a neurodivergent alcoholic parent BTW. Horribly impactful on childhoods, and on adult self esteem/mental health.

Good luck OP.

Do whatever feels right OP. Try not to overthink it. Their response is their response.

You’ve nothing to lose, OP. I often wonder what happened to a friend I lost contact with and would be happy to hear from them. If they don’t reply then they don’t. Just because life moves on it doesn’t mean we stop thinking about people from the past

I would think it was a bit of a self indulgent act on their part. I would assume that they had recognised that they had behaved inappropriately and were now trying to make themselves feel better about that. Quite frankly I’d think badly of them for having ghosted me, have got over it and moved on, and now be eye rolling that they were expecting me now to offer validation that it’s all actually ok.

As others have said, put your efforts into new friendships

I would choose a few who you have nice memories with and drop them a message saying hey how are you? Long time - my fault I know! Was just thinking of you and wondered how you are.

Then see if anything comes back.

Yabu by not replying for so long. Life gets difficult for most people at times. Ghosting friends is a tough one to take. Im not sure hiw i would feel tbh. But uiu have nothing to lose and if you wnat yo them you definitely should. But if you open thay foor make sure you dont repeat ghosting as ptherwise thats so hurtful

Im v surprised by the comments on here.

I think you’ve done really well to get to a place of introspection and want to right some wrongs. Being ghosted is not fun, and it can be confusing.

i think it would be brave and potentially offer closure/rekindle a friendship to reach out and say “hi XXX, how are you? I have been thinking about you and I miss our friendship. I’m sorry for not being in touch- I was in a very bad place and I wanted to let you know I’m here if you ever need me/want to hang out”

why not? They may not reply, but they certainly may. I don’t think it’s ever the wrong thing to 1) reach out and 2) try to better yourself.

again, without wanting to sound patronising, well done!

You could do. I would probably ignore it but that would be down to the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to be wondering if its something wrong with me every time you ghost me.

You have to understand that others have insecurities too and being ghosted can really hurt. To receive an apology months or years later, I'd just think you wanted to use me for something then fuck off again so you may not get the kind of response you're hoping for.

Apologies if my post touched a nerve.

1. I have been ghosted myself.
2. I'm well aware of others insecurities.
3. I stated I wasn't after anything if I were to send a message. Not hoping for a particular response.
4. You sound like my parent.

No. Shitty behaviour to friends is still shitty behaviour, whatever excuse you have for it.

I know you say you are ND but number 4 on your posts was actually really offensive to the poster who was simply offering advice.

Considering you describe your parent as a violent unmedicated undiagnosed neurodiverse parent whose maladaptive coping strategy was alcoholism can you not see that that is a horrible way to respond to a poster who was kindly explaining how you getting in touch might make another person feel?

If this is the way you interact with people it's fairly easy to see why you struggle with friendships.

I was going to to offer some advice as a late diagnosed woman who has done what you're suggesting... But... Yeah, what she said 👆 There's no need to be offensive to people who are trying to answer your question.

@Greywitch2 @Roundandroundthegard3n Ahh, sorry. Nope, wasn't meant like that. What @Balloonhearts actually said was To receive an apology months or years later, I'd just think you wanted to use me for something then fuck off again so you may not get the kind of response you're hoping for.' Which is what my parent said. People are only use you for what they can get. Hence one of the reasons why I'm where I am. And I'd already said there was no aim for a certain reaction.
So here's my trying to do a good thing & I get told what I was told from aged 8 onwards.

@YFSN44Thank you for your comment & advice. I'm really sorry you lived through it too. I hope you're doing OK.

@Notsurewhatsgoingonhere I don't think you're patronising at all. I think it was a lovely thing to say & I'm grateful you said it, so thank you 😊