Give up a small dream?

[Notdoriangrey]

NC for this. Advice really welcome. Partner self employed and always worked consistently for the time we have been together, around ten years. No children together. Seperate finances, no joint accounts, fifty fifty generally on finances. Unfortunately partner hasn't secured any work over the last 18 months. I have been increasingly concerned about money but all efforts to discuss have been deflected. Either oh it will be ok or just not replying to my questions. I work full time, good salary as one person average if divided by two if you see what I mean. Rather abruptly a week ago partner told me that within three months he will have no money left and we will need to live off my salary. He then walked off and will not engage in any further conversation. Living on my salary will be tight but manageable. Very tight and treats etc could only be possible if I take on more work. But here's the dilemma. For a while I have been working towards being able to do a higher level qualification and I was hoping to start in the autumn. It's a dream that I have cherished for a long time and has been put off because of various life events. He has always known of my plan. I would get some funding but to make the time really wanted the drop a day at work. Or compress my hours. I hadn't factored working more and can't imagine I would be able to manage both. I really, really don't want to put it off. I have some savings which could help us but I'm so disappointed. I was looking forward to it so much and I feel that his attitude is uncompromising. I'm scared too that he won't work again and my savings, very hard earned will all be used up too.

AIBU to still want to do qualification?
YUBU bills must be paid

I think from now on I am going to ask him to do jobs

Don't just ask him to do individual jobs though or you'll end up like the woman on another thread right now who is expected to give her partner a medal every time he picks up the hoover.

Better thing is to write down everything that needs doing and how often you do it and say "if you aren't going to be working then we need to divide this up fairly". I bet you'll he'll have found a job in 3 weeks!

I understand how he must feel despondent.

However he doesn’t get to check out of life and not have a discussion about it if you are the one with the purse.

I’m fucking sure i wouldn’t be giving up on my dream to a sulky mute who is telling me how to spend my money after chomping through the savings.

I hope you told him he'd better crack on finding work in the next 3 months then?

This just wouldn't wash with me. I 'd be telling him to buck his ideas up and take any job, and agency work he can get, any job at all, to bring in some money, whilst he's looking. Dh did many years ago, was night shelf stacking at Tesco whilst looking for / applying for operations jobs. I just wouldn't take this crap. Stand your ground. How he's handling it says more about him than it does about the actual problem.

Whatever you do, don't give up your dream,your autumnal qualification.

I wouldn’t be thinking it, I would be exploding it!

Out of work for 18 months and he does nothing in the house?!? He sounds absolutely awful, and I couldn't tolerate this situation at all.

Maybe give him a list of jobs to do each day or at least decide who does what. He is being pretty lazy letting you pick up everything!
I agree with others saying get some careers advice or go to an agency.

I would not accept total responsibility for all the bills. I would be asking him what he's going to do to cover his share after his savings have run out; it's absolutely not fair for him to assume you'll pay for everything.
I think you need to put on your big girl pants OP and just tell him how unreasonable he is being.

Rather abruptly a week ago partner told me that within three months he will have no money left and we will need to live off my salary. He then walked off and will not engage in any further conversation.

For me it would be more the fact that he's made it a statement without discussing before or letting you have a say after he came out with what he said and then expecting you to just do as he says.

I'd make it quite plan he knew full well that you had a dream of doing a higher level qualification and for you that time has now come, which will mean you cutting your working hours so its going to be impossible for him to live off of your salary and he needs to find another way to contribute to the household bills.

You're not married and have no children together. I would show the lazy cocklodger the door.

Thank you very much for all your posts. I have read them all and decided that yes, I am going to do my qualification. I am going to have a conversation with partner about him getting some part time work which will still leave him free to do job applications but bring in some money. That would mean the savings that he has will go further. I'm going to do some serious budget forecasting too and see what can be cut back a little to help. I'm so grateful for all your thoughts.

I think there’s a possibility he thinks he’s retired now, if he can get you to continue working and supporting him. If he’s not done anything round the house and spends load of time on his fitness, it sounds like his retirement is fully underway.

So you are going to cut back on your expenditure to enable him to work part time.

I hope you set a time limit on this, say 2 months max.

That gives you 2 months after that to really make up your mind about your future with him, and to start your qualification.

I’m with olderglaswegian

He doesn’t get to dictate how you accommodate his wishes.

Your hopes and dreams are as important as they ever were.

I want to repeat something from another thread that I wrote. Different circumstances, just as important for you. Tweaked a tiny bit.

You are the mistress of your own destiny

It is high time that the manipulative people of this world realised that other humans are not obliged to be their support animals.

We are not responsible for the decisions of others - especially if it brings only negatives to our lives.

Gaun yersel OP.

Why part- time jobs? Can’t he get a full time job and apply for other jobs in evenings and weekends? That’s what most people would do.

@Notdoriangrey

What the fuck has he been doing for the last 18 months while no work was coming in? And why is he giving it another 3 months? And informing you that you'll be carrying him? CF!

He needs to get his arse in gear NOW! A year ago would have been wiser.

I've never been out of work in 51 years(started full time on the day of my 16th birthday - I've just turned 67). I was self-employed in my twenties but could see the trend of work drying up. I was slowly spending more time quoting than actually doing the work.

So I went out and got a job being employed by someone else. My wife was working full time but I would never have dreamt of expecting her to carry me.

Don't even think of giving up on your dream.

And your lazy, soon-to-be cocklodger should realise a house doesn't run or clean itself.

“What the fuck has he been doing for the last 18 months while no work was coming in? “

And This!