Give up a small dream?

[Notdoriangrey]

NC for this. Advice really welcome. Partner self employed and always worked consistently for the time we have been together, around ten years. No children together. Seperate finances, no joint accounts, fifty fifty generally on finances. Unfortunately partner hasn't secured any work over the last 18 months. I have been increasingly concerned about money but all efforts to discuss have been deflected. Either oh it will be ok or just not replying to my questions. I work full time, good salary as one person average if divided by two if you see what I mean. Rather abruptly a week ago partner told me that within three months he will have no money left and we will need to live off my salary. He then walked off and will not engage in any further conversation. Living on my salary will be tight but manageable. Very tight and treats etc could only be possible if I take on more work. But here's the dilemma. For a while I have been working towards being able to do a higher level qualification and I was hoping to start in the autumn. It's a dream that I have cherished for a long time and has been put off because of various life events. He has always known of my plan. I would get some funding but to make the time really wanted the drop a day at work. Or compress my hours. I hadn't factored working more and can't imagine I would be able to manage both. I really, really don't want to put it off. I have some savings which could help us but I'm so disappointed. I was looking forward to it so much and I feel that his attitude is uncompromising. I'm scared too that he won't work again and my savings, very hard earned will all be used up too.

AIBU to still want to do qualification?
YUBU bills must be paid

' I wonder if it's partly age, we are older but not at retirement. '

Supermarkets take on ' older ' people.

Are you prepared to let him live off you, and speak to you like that ?

you use the word partner, so you are not married ? and there are no children.

Is the home mortgaged ? paid off or rented ?

We aren't married and have no children together. Grown up children from previous relationships who live independently. As I have mentioned he has been applying for lots of jobs/trying to get work with no success. I was hurt by what he said and the way it was said. I was worried about finances. Now I'm worried and hurt 😞.

can you afford to live in the home ?

or will you need to move if this situation splits you up ?

I would be surprised if he didn't find work in a supermarket. he may not want to work in a supermarket...

Do not give up doing your qualification. Can DP claim universal credit while job hunting?

I think you have a point. We rent a house so that's factored into my thinking about how much money I will need each month,which no matter how many times I work it out comes to most of my salary.

I empathise and no, yanbu

i once was in a similar situation. I still am to sone extent. I left a corporate well paid job to pursue a complete change in career direction. I had significant savings and we as a couple had money to pay for the deposit of a new house plus improvements. It wasn’t my house project so I was not super involved in planning yet I was funding the project (co funding)
anyway. LeavinG corporate job at same time as spending a whole lot of money: not recommended.
we went way way way over budget (I blame my husband’s planning capabilities, and my lack of involvement when such amounts were involved, but really it was his thing and he messed up)
for the first time in my life I felt destitute - my savings were entirely wiped and I had to borrow more money. I borderline had a panic attack- not sure how they feel but that’s the one time in my life I think I may have had one.

i vigorously applied for jobs and in 6 weeks got a good offer for same old type of job / the same day as I got the certification for my new career’s skill set

I was devastated. what should have been very successful day was a complete mindf$ck

i felt I had to give up on my dream To do the job I no longer wanted to do, so I could improve on my husband’s making of a terrible financial situation (ps we have 3 kids)

i was sobbing. it all felt so unfair

i turned Down the job so I kept onto my dream. We had to make significant adjustments budget wise but in the end I would have resented my husband if I’d taken the “old career” job. And we would have eventually split I think making the whole house not worth it, so it was dumb to even try and fund it if that makes sense?!

so my advice is think about the long term you and the long term impact on your couple

we are still not really financially sorted but I am glad I am doing the thing I wanted to. The house is not yet fully finished there are lots of decorating we need to still do and that we don’t have funds for - but I am doing something meaningful and my husband is bearing the brunt of the financial responsibilities - which is fair at this stage when I’d lined up all my ducks for him to shot them down as it were!

so adjust your budget, keep to your thing, and be together on this, it’s a team effort.
he can’t expect you to support him forever (unless there are structural reasons why he can’t find work?)

good luck

Split up and rent a smaller place on your own. He's not interested in contributing.

Do you want to stay with him?
If you spilt can you still go ahead with your plans for the course/training/qualification?

Edit: also to say, for me, his refusal to acknowledge the issue and discuss it as a couple would be breaking point for me.

I was a contractor for many years. When changes in the industry meant less work was available, I applied for (and got) a full time job with a firm I’d done contract work for.

Could DP try that, contacting firms on spec as well as answering job ads? I was well placed because they already knew my work.

What about widening his scope, to consider some of the many unskilled or low skilled jobs being advertised in the windows of shops, pubs, cafes etc everywhere at present? I think applications have a better chance of being accepted if you’re already working.

Careers advice is also a good idea.

Are you absolutely sure he's not doing this to deliberately sabotage your plans? Or maybe even subconsciously?

Oh and I wouldn’t stand for someone telling me I’d be supporting him when his money ran out! Maybe he’s just being brusque because he’s frightened? You need to talk.
Edited to add: Definitely continue your course. Don’t give up the dream you deserve to achieve.

I did wonder if he inadvertently sounded harsh because he is at the end of his tether. I'm sympathetic to his feelings. I suppose from my point if view I'm loathe to give up what I want. Then I'm questioning whether that's just really selfish.

He's always been lovely but we haven't ever had any huge disagreement so it's been easy to be lovely to each other if you see what I mean.

Don't give up on your dream@Notdoriangrey!

If you don't share finances why does he think you should fully support him now? And would he do the same for you?

He talks a lot about partnership as in we are a partnership. It doesn't feel very partnershipy to me tbh. In the sense that not only am I landed with all this but he doesn't actually do anything in the house. I go to work, come home and the dishes are in the sink, he will say, quite cheerily, oh what's for dinner? There's part of mean that thinks well, if you've been at home for 18 months you may have, perhaps, hoovered a carpet or mopped a floor?

Is he physically fit? If so I would say screw applying for jobs and go straight to an agency - they will always give work to someone who can do warehouse/production/factory work. He doesn’t have to do it forever but he will feel better having a few months work under his belt and it will show employers he is willing to work

Yes he is. Does a lot of fitness stuff. Although I cancelled our gym memberships as an economy measure. An agency is a good idea,thank you.

What do you get out of this relationship @Notdoriangrey?
Seriously, he hasn't worked in quite a while, and yet hasn't so much as fun a hoover over the place?

I've been married 20+ years, and over the years there's been times when I've been out of work and other times when DH has been out of work (luckily both working now) - but whoever is at home picks up the slack with household chores.

I am beginning to wonder. I suppose when it was all going well I just ignored the lack of any domestic joining in because we had a very lovely lifestyle. Lots of meals out, holidays etc which he always paid for. So I guess that compensated. I don't mind not doing those things, or paying for them myself. But I'm getting pissed off with the current set up in which I shop for the food, cook the food and wash up.

He needs a job. That's the beginning and the end of it.

In the sense that not only am I landed with all this but he doesn't actually do anything in the house. I go to work, come home and the dishes are in the sink, he will say, quite cheerily, oh what's for dinner?

I had some empathy for your partner until I got to this message. Total piss taker. You need to stand up for yourself, you're being totally mugged off here.

I appreciate 'do something else' wouldn't necessarily what you'd jump to immediately - but 18 months? Surely he should have started about other options, even it only temporary, after the first six months or so?

He needs to get a job - and help 50/50 around the house
Or do a hell of a lot more than that if he isn't working.

Oh my goodness, when can I move in ?
I don’t have a job, or any savings and I have no idea what a vacuum cleaner is, and I can’t cook. Or use a washing machine, but I am great company of an evening.

That made me proper laugh. If he thinks I'm cross because I'm yet again hoovering the living room carpet after being out of the house for ten hours he will say, oh, you should have asked me to do it...
I think from now on I am going to ask him to do jobs because it's quite obvious he isn't going to do anything at all otherwise. I must be such a pushover.

Well, I am glad it made you laugh, but he brings nothing else to your life, and he is really using you.
no one should leave another grown adult a list of jobs, we discuss what is reasonable to do if one of us has a day off and agree what is achievable

you say you are older, what is his pension status like, as yours sounds good if you can earn enough to afford for you both to live on.
you are looking at a retirement paying for him, if you don’t do something now