To think DH is not lucky with his mental health, he's lucky he has me as a wife..

[Duckshavewaterunderthem]

Recently, DH spent time with his sister for the first time in years as she lives abroad. She was chatting to him about the things she really struggles with and the impact it has on her mental health because she's not a naturally organised person and finds things like managing the finances, keeping on top of the housework, the miriad of things that have to be done to keep children in school and their various activities and getting to places on time, all very trying.
DH realised how similar he and his sister are from this conversation as he struggles with all those things.
He was telling me this and I was thinking maybe, there would be a moment where I was then appreciated for just how much I take off his plate. I'm still waiting! Instead he said 'I just don't let those things bother me so they don't impact my mental health in the same way'.....
Or, darling husband, unlike your sister, you have a wife who takes care of all these things for you!!! Considered that at all?!

Now to be clear, I love DH and whilst organisation is not his forte he is a very hands on Dad, we both work full time and we share the duties according to our strengths and we are absolutely equal when it comes to parenting (DH spends far more time getting up in the night with our toddler than I do). He's much better at DIY and gardening and he generally does the majority of animal care (we have a few). And I appreciate all of this and fully acknowledge that him taking care of them takes the burden off of me. Anything to do with paperwork, bills, most housework, planning or making sure we are where we say we're going to be is all on me. And honestly, that is fine! I'm happy with the set up we have; I'm a naturally organised person and know only too well that giving any of this to DH to sort out would not only stress him out massively but would stress me out too because I wouldn't actually be able to take it off my internal to do list until I knew it was done anyway so it truly is easier to just do it myself.

But I feel there should be some acknowledgement from DH that it is not at all the case that he simply doesn't let those things bother him, it's that he doesn't need to worry about them because I do them for him. If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow and it was suddenly all on him to make sure the kids had everything they needed I'm pretty sure they'd start to bother him as much as his sister who doesn't have a partner willing to take on that load. Exactly as if DH got hit by a bus and I was suddenly responsible every time a tap started leaking that would stress me out in a way it just doesn't currently because I have him.

I appreciate everything DH does and I would like to think he appreciates everything I do too but this conversation has made me think he doesn't actually get that all the things I do NEED to be done and he's very lucky to be in a position where he enjoys all the perks of them without ever having to actually do them.

Could he do these things before he met you?

Not sure it's a good idea to become de-skilled at being an adult.

Are you linking being disorganised or poor at certain tasks to poor mental health?

I think you need to read about mental health.

Stop doing it. If it's not being appreciated then why would you continue making your life harder for no thanks.

No, my sister-in-law was. But anyway!!! Why not? Why wouldn't having the constant pressure of having to do things you find really difficult and really demanding not take a toll on someone's mental health? I think you need to go away and learn about mental health if you think you can trivialise someone else's experience of their own personal mental health issues just because it doesn't fit into your own lived experience. We all have mental health and it always fluctuates in different ways. Just because someone doesn't have a diagnosis of a well-known mental health disorder doesn't mean they don't have mental health struggles at times.

Did you point this out to your husband, it reads like you didn't ?

It's annoying, but he's clearly just trying to find common ground with his sister, after not having seen her in years. I don't think you need to make it about you.

Raising his awareness may be a conversation to have, therefore.

Contempt got the other in a partnership isn't healthy.

Resentment leads to huge tears in a relationship.

Have a chat, look at what you're both bringing and see if anything needs tweaking. Don't let this build in to bigger issues...

I did. He agreed with me after I pointed it out but it just irritated me that I had to point it out.

I think you do. If being disorganised has consequences that cause stress, then of course it can affect your mental health. I have ADHD and if I suddenly remember I haven't done something important, or my tax return is due, I then procrastinate on it even more, and feel shit about myself and why can't I just 'be normal' and get on with it. So yes, it has a compound effect on your mental health. It's often a vicious cycle.

OP why didn't you say, 'Well of course they don't bother you - they're my jobs. And I do them because it would stress us both out if they were down to you'?

*Sorry x-posted with your update. I kind of get his cognitive dissonance because on some level he must realise he doesn't 'adult' in certain areas very well and it's natural to pretend that's not the case. But it sounds like his sister went into quite a bit of depth, and it's quite surprising that if she listed a bunch of things she finds stressful, his mind went to 'Ha, that doesn't bother me, I'm so lucky,' rather than, 'I'm lucky my wife handles that so it doesn't bother me...'

He didn't say this to his sister, only to me. He was telling her that he struggles with all these things too and they had a good chat. He wasn't advising her how he deals with it, just chatting. It was when he was talking to me he said he felt he was doing better because she was really struggling with it but actually he doesn't feel he struggles in the same way because he doesn't let those things bother him as much.

That’s good you pointed it out. Sometimes we need things being pointed out to us that seem obvious to other people.
He just never made the connection before but now he has he should hopefully appreciate you more. Especially if you keep pointing it out gently that you are the planner & organiser in your family. No doubt he has other strengths which you should acknowledge too.

I think for some people it could be a trigger - just like anything else could be?

He was telling me this and I was thinking maybe, there would be a moment where I was then appreciated for just how much I take off his plate. I'm still waiting! Instead he said 'I just don't let those things bother me so they don't impact my mental health in the same way'.....

What a knobbish thing to say. Are you doing too much for him, he seems to be taking you for granted. What does he do for you?

My dh is a bit like this...totally unaware of his own struggles. He was in boarding school. Last week he met someone who was there at the same time. This very seldom happens. As they talked about school the guy admitted it has had long lasting affects on him...that bloody place etc. Dh said to me..I suppose l am lucky it didn't affect me as much. I am looking wide eyed at him. He has had serious depression at times..had no idea how to do regular stuff in the house until l taught him..has regular nightmares..never talks about school and hasn't kept up contact with anyone. I could go on! I have had to support him a lot in many areas due to living his teen years practically locked up. This was in the 70s when they only came home at major holidays. But luckily he hasn't been one bit affected..not like his poor classmate!!

Yes he should have realised and appreciated but it sounds like he accepted what you said and took it on board. I do think when housework is compared to DIY it's a bit of a false analogy. Housework is relentless, dull, nothing to show other than a "normal" functioning house and not something you could say "I spent two weeks doing THIS tada!! " Whereas DIY is a complete project with an end point..I built that cupboard, painted that room etc.

I sort of get what he means about not letting things worry him = better MH. I'm a teacher of long standing and seem to cope better than some of my colleagues because I just don't take it all as personally. I do my job well, I teach the syllabus and offer as much help as required. But in the end it's their results, not mine. I don't stay up on results day worried, or work into the small hours to tweak a PowerPoint that is already perfectly fine. I choose to limit my engagement..I suppose the difference though is that nobody is doing anything for me as result as you do for you husband. It sounds like you're a pretty good team though.

It does sound like you take on most of the organisational tasks op.

But it also sounds like your DH pulls his weight and leads on other areas. The way I benchmark it is whether you both get a similar amount of downtime/time out of the house for hobbies.

Why is it so important to you for him to acknowledge that you sort out the organisational stuff? For him it might be like admitting a weakness.

Given he pulls his weight, does it matter?

I have a similar relationship but DH is not so oblivious and does acknowledge what I do. Mind you, I do all the house maintenance too (mostly paying people).

What does get my goat is that I know at some point in the next few months I'm going to hear "we decided to redecorate."

No, DH, I dealt with the water leak, claimed on insurance and got the damaged things repaired and decorated. Took about 6 months.

WE didn't do anything!!

I am ND and think there definitely would be a link, particularly for women who (as the OP points out) often take the burden of organisation.

I don't know if this is a relevant answer OP, but what you've described sounds to me like a mix of passivity on his part and possibly you having to do what might be called emotional labour.

There are so many aspects of running a busy life with both adults employed but paperwork, bills, household chores and planning 'where we are' are fundamental to the rest. Boarding school kids are not called survivors for no reason. They are notorious for having poor mental health, hardly surprising, your life is planned for you, you just have to keep your emotional head above water and meet the intellectual demands and the competition from peers.

A passive DH is infuriating because that's what he is. 'Mummy' is sorting out the essentials and he's being a good boy and doing his bit is how it sounds.

It sounds like you feel it's unfair, listen to that and ask yourself what you want. You could do with someone to talk to like a counsellor. Have you tried Googling boarding school survivors or passive husband /partner? Might give you something to think about, how can you even things up? Be kind to yourself.

Well, do you acknowledge all the things he does that you admit you're not good at?

This is very true. I'm not at all unhappy with our set up, we are a good team and we balance each other very well; what I struggle with, he is very good at and vice versa and we look after each other to make sure neither is carrying too much.
So you are right! I shall let it go and not let a thoughtless comment make me feel bad when nothing bad is actually happening. Thank you. I like this perspective.

I know this is probably going to be annoying , but what I took from this is you have a husband who visited and chatted to his sister and tried to find common ground. Took on board what she found difficult, bothered to come home and chat to you about it and when you said how you support and manage those things he agreed that's what helped and has some awareness of the things that impact how we cope. Yes, would've been lovely if he had said up front what a wonderful partner you are but perhaps you should make more of a deal about the day to day stuff you do as unlike DIY and gardening usually people don't notice the other boring stuff.

It absolutely can have an effect! But in cases where its actual ADHD (I know that its fashionable to blame everything on ADHD but it is real) medication can help. Or just having a really helpful partner.

I sympathise, my situation is very similar, but with his hoarding and ADHD as well.
It's not easy and sometimes we definitely go unappreciated and unrecognised.

God yes, I was thinking this just yesterday. My husband does plenty around the house, don't get me wrong but he never has to think about anything that requires a modicum of planning, including for the children. I do call him out of it and his excuse is always "it never occurred to me" or "you should have asked/reminded me". Aaaarrrgghh!

Without me making it happen we would never have gone on holiday, moved house, done renovation projects, got the kids into childcare/school. They would never get Christmas stocking or go to birthday parties (or have birthday parties) or activities.

During lockdown I worked really hard to keep everyone's spirits up and arrange stuff that we could do so our mental health didn't wane. Walks to places we hadn't been, board games in the garden, music/ dancing games when it rained, zoom calls with grandparents etc. Kept the kids on track with their home learning even though i also worked FT. It was a lot of mental load and just taken for granted. Though sometimes now they will talk about what fun some of those things were (no credit to me of course). Just yesterday I realised no one had actually ever given MY mental health a moment's thought. I have to do that myself too!

Sorry for the rant. I don't think Dads often appreciate what a lot of work it is being the family Entertainments Director.