To think DH is not lucky with his mental health, he's lucky he has me as a wife..

[Duckshavewaterunderthem]

Recently, DH spent time with his sister for the first time in years as she lives abroad. She was chatting to him about the things she really struggles with and the impact it has on her mental health because she's not a naturally organised person and finds things like managing the finances, keeping on top of the housework, the miriad of things that have to be done to keep children in school and their various activities and getting to places on time, all very trying.
DH realised how similar he and his sister are from this conversation as he struggles with all those things.
He was telling me this and I was thinking maybe, there would be a moment where I was then appreciated for just how much I take off his plate. I'm still waiting! Instead he said 'I just don't let those things bother me so they don't impact my mental health in the same way'.....
Or, darling husband, unlike your sister, you have a wife who takes care of all these things for you!!! Considered that at all?!

Now to be clear, I love DH and whilst organisation is not his forte he is a very hands on Dad, we both work full time and we share the duties according to our strengths and we are absolutely equal when it comes to parenting (DH spends far more time getting up in the night with our toddler than I do). He's much better at DIY and gardening and he generally does the majority of animal care (we have a few). And I appreciate all of this and fully acknowledge that him taking care of them takes the burden off of me. Anything to do with paperwork, bills, most housework, planning or making sure we are where we say we're going to be is all on me. And honestly, that is fine! I'm happy with the set up we have; I'm a naturally organised person and know only too well that giving any of this to DH to sort out would not only stress him out massively but would stress me out too because I wouldn't actually be able to take it off my internal to do list until I knew it was done anyway so it truly is easier to just do it myself.

But I feel there should be some acknowledgement from DH that it is not at all the case that he simply doesn't let those things bother him, it's that he doesn't need to worry about them because I do them for him. If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow and it was suddenly all on him to make sure the kids had everything they needed I'm pretty sure they'd start to bother him as much as his sister who doesn't have a partner willing to take on that load. Exactly as if DH got hit by a bus and I was suddenly responsible every time a tap started leaking that would stress me out in a way it just doesn't currently because I have him.

I appreciate everything DH does and I would like to think he appreciates everything I do too but this conversation has made me think he doesn't actually get that all the things I do NEED to be done and he's very lucky to be in a position where he enjoys all the perks of them without ever having to actually do them.

I feel you OP. I have an ASD DH. Undiagnosed but we're both sure he's on the spectrum. I do everything - school/ home/ life admin, book food delivery (he even struggles to update the order online as its "too much to think about when doing it"), cleaning, tidying, sorting, organising days out/ holidays, making sure we reply to invites etc and every bit of the household finances, which are complicated due to various reasons involving a business we are part of. He does the (purposely designed low maintenance) garden. He cannot make a decision but wants to be involved with all aspects of decision making for the house. That means nothing ever gets agreed. He can't even call the decision on what takeaway to get.

And yet I get no recognition ever for all that I do.

Sending hugs to you

YANBU

In my family we have MH issues, ADHD and autism and really struggle with the things your DH struggles with.

All of my family members have partners who pick up most of the slack in these areas, whereas I have to do it all by myself.

It really annoys me when they moan about having to do certain things or ask how I can be struggling so much with minor things and I have to remind them that their partners do most of these things for them.

Sometimes they use it as an excuse and it doesn’t do them any favours by allowing others to do things for them.

There is nothing wrong with reminding him how much you do and it’s worth having time away or getting him to do more, so he realises how much you do.

The more you do, the more he’ll expect of you and the harder he’d find it.

You are not his mum, he is a grown adult and I can guarantee he’d do more than he is now if he was living on his own.

You are very kind but don’t let him take the piss.

Surely the whole point of partnerships is leaning into your own personal strengths?

I don't particularly think he's done or said anything especially unreasonable? Perhaps the only thing I'd have done differently in this conversation would be to have jokingly said, "because you have a wonderful wife who is good at those things!"