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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should wait up for ds

34 replies

lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 20:32

I would appreciate some perspective here as I admit I can't really stand my ex so I tend to think the worst of him in most cases.

Kids stay with him a couple of nights a week. Ds17 sees friends on weekend evenings and this involves being in the park or someone's house until 12 - which is his curfew when with me. He then walks home. I used to pick him up but haven't for the last 18 months or so. Parties can be a bit later, but not many of these happen! We live in a small semi-rural town and all his male friends do the same as him, and some of the girls, though some girls do get picked up still from what I can see.

It has transpired that when he stays at ex's he has no curfew and ex is always asleep when he gets in. I think this is wrong. If something happened and he didn't get back ex wouldn't even realise until the morning, which makes me feel really anxious. Last night he was at ex's and I couldn't relax and was tracking his phone and ended up ringing him at 1am when it showed him still on the streets. He was with a biggish group (I could hear them) and said he would be walking home with a lad who lives on ex's street shortly, which he did. I now feel I can never relax when he is at ex's.

DS doesn't drink - never has and never wants to but I just feel uncomfortable knowing he could go missing/have an accident and it wouldn't be addressed for hours. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 20:35

Why are you allowing your son to hang around in a big gang on the streets late at night? Obviously there is going to be trouble. It doesn't matter whether anyone waits up for him or not.

thanKyouaIMee · 05/05/2024 20:37

He's 17 and deciding to roam the streets in a large group at 1am? That's a bit ridiculous tbh!

However your ex doesn't need to stay up until he comes home (especially if he's out and about that late) to ease your anxiety about that situation.

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 05/05/2024 20:37

I wouldn't be happy with this at all! Especially at 17, he's still a kid really and anything could happen.

My mum always waits up for me (even as an adult when I go to visit them!)

Sirzy · 05/05/2024 20:38

At 17 I think you need to be making sure he is the one adult enough to take responsibility for his actions but I wouldn’t expect someone to be waiting up for him.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 20:40

Gosh - it's not a gang! These are lovely kids and it's a mixed group. They do hang out in the two parks we have and play football etc then wander around walking each other home.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 05/05/2024 20:41

So if they're a lovely group and not up to anything bad, what's the issue?

cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 20:42

lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 20:40

Gosh - it's not a gang! These are lovely kids and it's a mixed group. They do hang out in the two parks we have and play football etc then wander around walking each other home.

I wonder if other people having to walk past them in the dark think they are so lovely.

cansu · 05/05/2024 20:42

I think your 17 year old needs to get in earlier. I wouldn't want to have to wait up for him to come in at midnight either. I guess his dad goes to bed earlier and therefore doesn't check on ds. In all honesty how will you win here? Your ex will say he is not staying up to wait fir him. Your ds will refuse to come home earlier. I understand that you prefer to check he is safe but in a few months he could be at uni or wherever and you won't know what on earth he is doing. Maybe you need to accept this.

Jobsharenightmare · 05/05/2024 20:43

He's not old enough to be a legal adult but even if he was it's always sensible to walk home with someone else if you must walk and plan that someone will know if you're missing.

Rachie1973 · 05/05/2024 20:45

cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 20:42

I wonder if other people having to walk past them in the dark think they are so lovely.

Show quote history

Doesn’t matter a hoot what other people think so long as the group aren’t being offensive.

Roundandroundtheworld · 05/05/2024 20:47

I never had a curfew for my teenagers because they were at friends houses.
If I thought they were just hanging around streets and parks I would have encouraged them to meet up earlier or friends come to our home or your partners home.

DancingAgain · 05/05/2024 20:47

I don’t like the ‘hanging around’ the park thing, but if he must do it, can your son not just text you and let you know that he is ok.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 20:47

Things I worry about are accidents or, highly unlikely, being attacked/mugged. There is no violent street crime where I am and neither he nor his friends have ever been involved in fighting or anything like that whatsoever. It's just I don't like the thought that if something did happen, however unlikely that is, it wouldn't even be noticed that anything was wrong for hours.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 05/05/2024 20:52

cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 20:35

Why are you allowing your son to hang around in a big gang on the streets late at night? Obviously there is going to be trouble. It doesn't matter whether anyone waits up for him or not.

This was my first thought, too.

I never had a specific curfew for mine, but they had to be somewhere / doing something.

If you are happy for your teenager to be roaming the streets / hanging out in parks with his mates until midnight, then I can't see that what he is allowed to do when he is at his Dad's is that much worse.

Octavia64 · 05/05/2024 20:53

I didn't wait up for mine.

Having said that they frequently all slept over at the house of the person having the party.

This does tend to be something that divides people. Some people get very worried about members of their household being out late and insist on waiting up for them. Others don't.

If he did get attacked or whatever the police are more likely to be of use than you. And if he doesn't come back one night what are you going to do?

If you ring around his friends at 3am you'll look like an idiot and he'll be horrendously embarrassed.

And what if he's decided to stay the night with a girl he has met and you're ringing his mobile constantly?

NewName24 · 05/05/2024 20:54

It's just I don't like the thought that if something did happen, however unlikely that is, it wouldn't even be noticed that anything was wrong for hours.

But, if something happened at 7pm, you wouldn't know anything was wrong for 5 hours either (if he and all his mates were somehow suddenly unable to use any of their phones) . Confused as to what the difference is.

Yellowpingu · 05/05/2024 20:56

He’s 17 so perhaps it’s time to loosen the apron strings a bit, especially on the nights he’s with his Dad and therefore is his responsibility, not yours. I can’t remember what age we stopped waiting up for DS but I’m sure it was about 16. However we did have a system in that he had to fully shut 2 doors that I left open. I’m up a lot in the night and I never once got up after 1am to find the doors still open. We’re in Scotland so DS moved out and went to uni at 17 where we had no idea where he was or what he was doing.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 05/05/2024 21:05

Does your son work or is he at college? I think midnight is far too late to be having him out the house regularly, unless this is at weekends only. I still wouldn’t want my son walking home and although I’m a woman, my mum and now husband wouldn’t want me walking around late at night - they would pick me up.

I very much doubt anyone is playing football at midnight, in the dark. Are there any houses nearby as if you could hear his friends on the call, I wouldn’t want to be living locally and having youths on there that late. At least at someone’s house, they’re not disturbing anyone else.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 21:06

NewName24 · 05/05/2024 20:52

This was my first thought, too.

I never had a specific curfew for mine, but they had to be somewhere / doing something.

If you are happy for your teenager to be roaming the streets / hanging out in parks with his mates until midnight, then I can't see that what he is allowed to do when he is at his Dad's is that much worse.

Show quote history

He is doing something - being with friends/playing football and chatting? I get that hanging around in parks would be a no in certain areas perhaps, but it's not here. It's a big friendship group and, though they do stick to people's houses in the winter, most of them prefer to be outdoors once it's not too cold as they have a lot more space.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 05/05/2024 21:07

I don’t think you can set rules and expectations for a 17 year old when they are at their other parent’s house. How would you feel if your ex tried to tell you what to do and how to parent?

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 21:09

He's at sixth form and it's only at weekends. It's funny because last year, after exams, he did go out most nights after they'd finished and I was asking him to be back by 11pm, until he asked to be out later. I posted on here then and the vast majority of replies told me 11pm was too early for a 16 year old!

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 05/05/2024 21:14

At 17 I had a BF and we used to go the local pub in his small town (he was in the year above me) and we'd stay at his house. His parents were never up when we got home. We weren't 'wondering the streets' but we could have been, no-one would have known. I can understand why this is hard but the fact that he picks up the phone when you call him at 1am and he doesn't drink would give me comfort. Forget the ex, your son sounds like a good kid :-)

sleekcat · 05/05/2024 21:15

I didn’t have a curfew or wait up for mine. I did feel unsettled when he was that age and hadn’t come home but quite frankly I was too tired to stay up waiting for him. I made contact via text and asked what time he was coming back for peace of mind if I hadn’t heard. Often he would stay over if it was a party. He did get better at letting me know his plans so that I didn’t worry.

Octavia64 · 05/05/2024 21:19

People are picking up on the hanging around in parks.

OP you are worried about your son being attacked or similar.

Others are worried because having large numbers of male late teens hanging round in parks is intimidating to others.

Curfews at age 17 are generally quite late but most parents wouldn't be ok with their kid just "hanging around". It usually means getting into trouble hassling other people and generally being a nuisance.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/05/2024 21:28

It's highly unlikely he's be attacked realistically but I'm a worrier. As I've said, I know for a fact that his group does not cause any problems for anyone (well, they were chatting loudly last night but were walking along at that point, not stopped somewhere making a noise in one particular place). They are also not all male, as I've said repeatedly. Once it's late, surely the only other people they'd come across would be others out late, so not likely to be intimidated? They don't drink outside (DS doesn't drink ever but the others do) but they like being out. The only drama I'm aware ever happened was once they found a phone on the park and one of them managed to over-ride the PIN and they rang the entry under 'Mum' and got it back to its owner.

I worry about him all the time - if on a school trip for instance I'm always anxious about the journey until he's back. Yes, I have been seen for anxiety.

OP posts: