To think he should wait up for ds

[lurchersforever]

I would appreciate some perspective here as I admit I can't really stand my ex so I tend to think the worst of him in most cases.

Kids stay with him a couple of nights a week. Ds17 sees friends on weekend evenings and this involves being in the park or someone's house until 12 - which is his curfew when with me. He then walks home. I used to pick him up but haven't for the last 18 months or so. Parties can be a bit later, but not many of these happen! We live in a small semi-rural town and all his male friends do the same as him, and some of the girls, though some girls do get picked up still from what I can see.

It has transpired that when he stays at ex's he has no curfew and ex is always asleep when he gets in. I think this is wrong. If something happened and he didn't get back ex wouldn't even realise until the morning, which makes me feel really anxious. Last night he was at ex's and I couldn't relax and was tracking his phone and ended up ringing him at 1am when it showed him still on the streets. He was with a biggish group (I could hear them) and said he would be walking home with a lad who lives on ex's street shortly, which he did. I now feel I can never relax when he is at ex's.

DS doesn't drink - never has and never wants to but I just feel uncomfortable knowing he could go missing/have an accident and it wouldn't be addressed for hours. Or AIBU?

OP I would 1000% be like you and wait up, and I'd want to punch the ex in the throat for not doing the same but when I think sensibly and not emotionally, he really doesn't need to be waiting up.

Your son is 18 next birthday and will be a fully fledged adult able to do what he wants - I was living in uni halls after my first girls holiday to Malia at 18, so I think you need to sort of accept that this is a little bit of apron string cutting right now.

For what it's worth, your son sounds like a lovely, sensible lad and the area you live seems to be safe, so try to take this into account.

Again, I just know I'll be exactly like you and waiting up until daft o'clock at any age for my babies, but it doesn't mean that everyone should feel the way we do. This post hurts my heart I dread them getting older! You're a lovely mum ❤️

When is he 18 ?

Do you really think he is playing football - In England right now it is dark by 9 pm...

Hmm at 17 my DS was working (apprenticeship) and had found a local pub which served him. He certainly wouldn't have been hanging around in the park in the evening but would regularly stay at the pub until closing time - or sometimes sleep over at a friend's or his girlfriend's. He wouldn't have stayed out all night without letting me know though - so if he had gone to the pub I knew he would return early hours. Afraid I used to go to bed . Always had my phone on so I could be contacted if need be - and as a light sleeper with a weak bladder I would always be up in the night - so I guess if he hadn't returned by eg 2/3 then I guess I would have headed out to look for him - but that would have been the same if I had sat up. Perhaps it's different if you are a deep sleeper, I imagine that most parents with teenagers out late are sleeping fairly lightly .

My son is the same age. Unless he’s doing something in particular he has to be home by 10.30 at the latest. It’s not a problem as his mates have similar curfews. My daughter is 18 and has recently started going clubbing. She has no curfew obviously but I never go to sleep until she’s home . She always says my location is on mum please don’t worry and don’t stay up but I just can’t go to sleep until I hear her key in the door.

You & ex clearly have different parenting styles & you cant insist he stays up until DS gets home. - ask DS to text you when he gets in?

You can’t insist your ex stays up past midnight because you’re anxious.

I understand. When mine were out late, I’d go to bed but I didn’t really sleep properly until I heard them come in. But I think they’d have been narked if they’d got in to find me waiting up for them.

Worrying discreetly is part of loosening the reins. You’ve only your son’s word that your ex is actually asleep rather than lying in bed listening out for the front door opening before he can relax properly.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I wait up for mine when they're out and have my phone at full volume and my alarm set to go off every half hour in case I doze.

Parenting isn't a part time occupation, it's 24 hours a day every day of your life. Your ex other half needs to step up and be a proper dad

OP I'm amazed and amused at the comments you've had about 'gangs'. It's called a peer group! Why on earth wouldn't your DS hang out with his mates? Mine did, and I always felt he was safer and happier for it.

Yes, 100%, I would wait up. And expect his dad to do the same. But it's not going to happen. So all you can do is agree with DS to let you know when he's safe home - if he's willing to do so. If not there's not much you can do.

You can’t tell your ex how to parent his child. You have different parenting approaches; he has to respect yours and you have to respect his.