MIL said my 2 year old is manipulative

[Sunshine1996]

DS turned 2 a couple of weeks ago. MIL moved around 3-4 hours away when DS was first born so has never had a close relationship with him, and also has made it clear she prefers my DD who is 3.
DS has severe glue ear in both ears confirmed by the hospital and we are waiting for grommets, it’s impacting his hearing and speech. DS does get frustrated and can have normal 2 year old temper tantrums. He’s also a runner, climber.. all the things DD wasn’t. While seeing us over the last few days MIL has said he is a nightmare, way worse than my partner ever was (who she also labelled a nightmare child) and today she called clever but very deceiving and manipulative? How can a just turned 2 year old be manipulative? I hold my hands up and say he can be tricky but it breaks my heart how she never has anything nice to say about him.

"Don't be silly, MIL. He's two."

I have seen manipulative children but not at 2. Seen it from about 4 or 5 onwards. Most grew out of it, others didn’t. I do not think a 2 year old has that capacity and anyway it is her gc so it is an odd observation anyway.

Well I suppose all toddlers could be called manipulative in a way - e.g. they can turn on crying more than needed just to get what they want. That's normal and not something to be horrified about. Her characteristisation of her tiny grandson is horrible, what a way to view him. Perhaps she disliked being a mum to her son and the similar 'nightmare' behaviour has stirred up old feelings in a way her calm granddaughter didn't. Either way I'd be cautious about favouritism and letting her make your DS feel she doesn't like him.

Edited for typos.

He can't hear, he can't communicate - no wonder he's frustrated. What a horrible thing to say about someone who's having a tough time.

Wow, what a horrible woman.

Nasty piece of work she is!

All young children are manipulative to a degree. They cry and scream more to get what they want. It’s just that normal decent adults don’t label that as ‘manipulative’.

Perhaps as pp said it just triggers her own memories of when she parented her son. Fwiw I find boisterous boys really irritating (have not had to parent one) whereas their parents find them adorable. Ofc I wouldn’t voice that opinion out loud. But also in my experience with parents who have girls, even the boisterous ones don’t behave like the boys do.

Wow!

What a nasty post.....

How old is your mil? Just that someone said her view is quite common of that generation but she may only be in her 40s or 50s!

Wow. There's a word for your MIL but it has eight less letters in it than the word manipulative!

I don't think it's about her generation. My ds at the age of 2 sounds a bit like your ds. From when he was a baby I had constant negative comparisons to BIL who apparently was a nightmare child. It was as if it was a fate set in stone. However I did think from the way she interacted with ds that if she was like that with her ds no wonder she had problems. My own dm would say more positive things like he's still learning, he's only little etc etc. Thank goodness I had more positive support from my dm, who was calm, positive and nurturing. I think your MIL is just crap with kids.

She sounds like a piece of shit OP. Hopefully she won’t visit too often.

He sounds like a normal little boy with lots of energy. Could she be interpreting his efforts to communicate as manipulation? I’m wondering if the glue ear means he adopts a more physical or expressive communication style rather than relying on the normal Q & A.

such a nasty thing to say.

I think there is a degree of manipulation ingrained in our natural survival instincts, but it's not a conscious act at that age I don't think.

I think it's a bit off for your MIL to be saying this about a 2 year old who is struggling to communicate.

Children are by their very nature manipulative. It's a survival tool and a life skill. The problem is that she is presenting it as a negative trait in a young child. I really wouldn't rise to it or give much of a response.

Aren't all two year olds manipulative ? How else does a baby get they need ? I would ignore MIL ?

Good Lord. A toddler being described as manipulative??

Your mil is a grade A clown.

I'd speak up - 'if you can't say anything nice about DS don't comment at all'

Jeeezzz I actually agree that 2 yo can be manipulative, but not in the way she said this!
It's a normal way to test boundaries, and not intentional like with an adult.

I’d very firmly tell her to stop with the nasty and ignorant comments. If she doesn’t, see a lot less of her.

I think lots of toddlers are manipulative! But it’s a sign of intelligence and how they’re getting to grips with how the world works and how they can get what they desire out of it. However clearly your MIL was saying it in a derogative way, I think the next time she says something negative you have to address it directly, let her know you won’t tolerate her talking negatively about a 2 year old and hope that drawing that boundary stops her.

I would tell her that it’s not ok to refer to your son like that; what she said is neither constructive, helpful or kind. 2 year olds don’t have the capacity to be “manipulative” in the way that most adults use that word. It’s like people referring to a newborn as “clingy”, of course they are - that’s how human infants are designed so they survive. I’m sorry it’s upset you, but luckily you are his mother and not her!

Ridiculous. Obviously toddlers try and get their own way. But if I were you I'd tell her she needs to question her own intelligence if she's being psychologically manipulated by someone in nappies! Imagine being so hateful towards a little child. And to favour their sibling? Awful behaviour from them and far from mature.

Does your husband have a sibling, and does MIL think this sibling can do no wrong?

Patterns in families are odd things.

2 year olds ARE manipulative. They’re designed to be wtf it is a regular stage of human development. It’s like she called your kid “selfish”… well duh! These other skills, like sharing, proper communication, emotional intelligence etc come in later as we teach them.