AIBU to think my Mum should want to see me married?

[LittleRebelGirl]

My Mum is refusing to come when I get married... because my Dad will be there.
It's been 31 years since they divorced.
I'm really upset. Has anyone had this happen to them? Divorced parents and family occasions are a flaming nightmare.

I’m so sorry for you, I’m in the same position so I’m not married! I have 2 dc and have to have 2 celebrations for every occasion - it’s exhausting! Sorry I have no advice but sending mumsnetty hugs and a handhold! Xx

Yep.
That’s why we didn’t tell a single fucking person until the week before.

My lot were willing to ruin and fuck up our day with their petty selfish behaviour.

So it was a text message telling them that if they were free next week meet us at the registry office, if not no probs.
Saved 99.9% of shite.
The end.

She's unreasonable. Can't she suck up the discomfort for a matter of hours to save you the pain of navigating this situation. Sorry, OP. My MIL is similarly minded and I feel it's unforgivably selfish.

I would say it's your Mum's problem,

tho if you knew she wouldn't come if Dad was invited - why did you invite Dad ?

so, does your Mum like game playing / making you choose between your parents.

Does she have a genuine reason for not seeing Dad i.e. domestic abuse

Can I ask why they divorced? It may just be anger she should grit her teeth through on her side, but if something more serious happened then I’d be cutting her far more slack.

All you can say to your mum is that you want both of them to be there and you won't be forced to choose between them. Then it is up to her whether she comes or not.

Reasons for divorce - well, she left him for someone else. But he had multiple affairs prior anyway. They were never a good couple. Badly matched. He's an arse. She's bad tempered. Match made in hell. I'm sure there were violent rows at times. But not one sided.
None of this is the reason though. It's bitterness over money in the divorce.

I'm inviting my dad as he will be paying a good chunk. Plus I've been married once before and did the whole 2 witnesses in a registry office, 2 weeks notice etc. My dad kicked off terribly over my mum going and not him. It wasn't deliberate as such. I knew then (10 years ago) that she would do this. Hence making my day not what I wanted to avoid this.
Unfortunately my OH wants a big wedding in a Catholic church as he has a huge family (one of 10 sibs).

The op will not really know what happened between her parents regardless of what is cited in the divorce papers or what has been said.

I'm inviting my dad as he will be paying a good chunk. weird reason to invite him tbh

Why is that unfortunate? If you don't want to get married in a Catholic church you don't have to don't let him push you into it. They aren't at all joyous and the whole atmosphere is incredibly solemn. Would that make it easier for your mum to attend?

What I mean is that I'd be inviting him anyway, but given he has financially contributed, I can't say to my mum well I won't invite him so you will come.

The Op would know if her mum had been hospitalised by dad tho.

Does the Catholic Church allow divorcees to marry in the Church ? and is the OP required to ' convert ' in order to be married in a Catholic Church ?

Your mum is behaving terribly. There are many many people in similar situations but they suck it up and play nice for their child's wedding day.

I feel this is getting sidetracked here.

Anyway, I said it was unfortunate that he wants a big wedding.
Catholic makes no difference to her. The only problem is my dad being there.

If you're a divorcee how you gonna marry in a Catholic Church?

As to your mum, well she's been at your last wedding so fine dad can have this one. I suspect if you take a blasé tone she might think twice, but even if not don't let her pettiness upset you.

You don't have to have a big wedding. It's not too late to say no.

Just say. Ok. Your choice.

The Catholic church doesn't really recognise the first marriage if it wasn't a Catholic wedding.

My partner wants a big wedding, and if that's what he wants, I'm happy with that. It just means that I can't do what I did last time to avoid this ie. 2 witnesses only.

Yes, I can marry. I wasn't married in a Catholic church, so not recognised by the church as a divorcee.

I’m sorry OP. It may be for the best if she can’t be trusted to behave. I’ve been there and it will ruin the memories, not to mention relationships with your new DH and his family.

This exact thing happened to me. She never came (although she went to my siblings wedding a couple of years before with no issues, but she always preferred my sister anyway) and 8 years later, she says she regrets it. Her and dad get along fine, and both spent Xmas together at my house a couple of years later. She gave me an ultimatum to disinvite him, I think to prove I wanted her there more, and I refused to give in to it. (There's no other backstory)
It still makes me really sad to think about, that she could do that to me. It put a bad mark on the day and I hate that I spent a part of the happiest day of my life feeling rejected and humiliated by her. Still.... Better than being controlled. And the day was mostly amazing and she didn't share in that. Sad for her more than me really.
Dh's family and the rest of my family still can't get over it and they think she's awful and selfish and they feel sorry for me (which I hate!)

Sorry this is happening to you too OP. Nothing could make me treat my child the way our mums have... Your day is not all about your mum. This is her loss.

Why shouldn't she invite dad?

Totally unreasonable on her part. My ex and younger partner will be at DDs wedding, so what! Honestly she needs to get over it

I think that’s ridiculous from your Mum tbh. When did they divorce, have they never spent time in a room since? My DH is divorced and obviously remarried as is his ex and they go to school events etc together for my DSD and we spend her birthday and part of Christmas together. When you have kids, even adult kids, they come first! Your Mum should suck it up and go, ignoring your Dad if necessary!

Your mum is being completely unreasonable. I’m in the same position as @Sleepychicken - I haven’t married because I know how awful the whole thing would be. My parents have been separated for 15 years and divorced for 10 and it’s baffling to me that my mum couldn’t deal with her bitterness and hostility just for one day, for me. All birthday celebrations and other special occasions have to be done twice, separately because she just will not tolerate him and she makes it completely awful for everyone else if she’s ever in his vicinity. He was a rubbish husband and cheated on her but he wasn’t abusive and he’s a good dad to me. Not much help to you I know but you’re not alone and you have my sympathy.