AIBU to think my Mum should want to see me married?

[LittleRebelGirl]

My Mum is refusing to come when I get married... because my Dad will be there.
It's been 31 years since they divorced.
I'm really upset. Has anyone had this happen to them? Divorced parents and family occasions are a flaming nightmare.

She’s being a twat.

There’s no reason she can’t come and be civil or just ignore each other.

If she did come would she cause a scene?

She said she wouldn't be able to stop herself saying something to him. She's right. She would. She can't hold her mouth. Even more so with alcohol.

Mine are the same. My mum lives closer than my dad (& is generally around more) so I had her at my graduation. Eloped rather than have a wedding partly due to them. My sibling is planning the same. Sometimes I wonder if they'd come to my funeral if I died before them, or if avoiding each other would be more important!

This is exactly what happened in my situation. It wasn’t my wedding but mum ranted to anyone who would listen. It got back to the bride from multiple people she’d spoken to and caused a lot of upset for the bride and difficulty with the groom’s entire family. Even now the bride can’t look back on the wedding without this tainting it.

Think long and hard about what you want.

Where were you married before OP?
Even if a civil ceremony or other church, you are still a divorcee and can't get married in a Catholic Church

Re your Mum, she needs to suck it up or not come. 31 years?!
Has she had counselling?

You can apply for an annulment (of the first marriage) at the church and get re-married. Church annulment isn’t the same as the legal one by the way

Not necessarily. It's at the discretion of the local church (not sure whether it's priest or bishop). My BIL has his second marriage in a Catholic church, after his first was in a registry office

Simply not true - see for example wedding of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds

If you are having a big church wedding she should be able to go and at least attend the ceremony, pictures etc. Then leave . So no danger in talking to ex. I hate my ex but I love my DCs more.

The longer it plays on my mind, the more upset I am.
My first "marriage" was an absolute disaster. Understatement. Let's just say I married him on my 30th birthday, in a register office with just our mothers and the 2 children. Four hours later I was informed that he'd been cheating right up until 8 weeks before the wedding, right over the time of conception of our next child - by the woman he'd been cheating with (his best friends girlfriend). The marriage was over beforeit began. 5 years together and this was the culmination. It was hideous. The next 6 months were beyond awful as I navigated what he'd done, being left pregnant, my marriage over, and he walked away from his children. Giving birth alone, raising 3 kids alone... a newborn..
It has taken 10 years to be ready for this. 7 years I've been with my OH. My mother loves him. More than me quite possibly. She was the one who saw his amazing talent in the classroom and got him on his teacher training in her own school (she wad the head). I thought she'd be delighted after everything that happened and how we've built our relationship over these years. We've blended families slowly and carefully (my three, and his one). Now it's the right time. And she won't be there. So the only marriage of mine she witnessed was on the worst day of my life. I'm so nervous of getting married after what happened. It has taken a lot to do this. And she can't face being there because my Dad will be!

Why can't they just both bloody support me. Instead they both cause drama with their actions. They just can't help but needle each other through me. Always piggy in the middle (I'm an only child). I'm fucking fed up of it. My dad is no better than my mum, but he definitely won't refuse to go if she is there at least 🤷‍♀️.

We had a small wedding. Both my parents came as did their partners. My husband's first MiL came too.

It was all very calm and pleasant because everyone involved was a grown up.

If your mum can't be a grown up, she doesn't get to come to the wedding.

I had exactly this situation with MIL and FIL. DH and I decided that both would be invited to all family events, both would be informed that the other was invited, and neither of us was listening to complaints, huffiness, etc.

At one point MIL was informed by DH that if she made one more nasty comment about FIL in our dc's presence she would never see dc again. She stopped immediately. Boundaries are a very good thing.

You and DH decide what your rule is going to be, make sure both warring parties are informed of it, and then just refuse to listen to bitching and complaints.

Well if I'd forked out financially for an event, I'd be extremely pissed off not to be invited so you're the weird one with that line of thinking

We were at a big family gathering ; siblings, half siblings, step siblings, elderly aunts and uncles etc, and my father was at one end of the garden bitching about my step mother that he had divorced thirty years earlier, and she was at the other end bitching about him. I asked him to stop as we were all sick of hearing it and said the same to her. Funnily enough, they did both stop.
But if your mother takes pride in behaving badly and hides behind drink then she’s never going to put you first.

Sympathies OP. I’m planning to get married next year and how my parents will be is a huge fear.