For feeling like a fraud?

[WingingItSince1973]

So sorry this is in AIBU. Just had a call today that my dad who I haven't had much contact with is dying. I've been sat in the hospital with him today and his side of the family so my aunty, uncles and a few cousins. I'm his only child. He's been poorly for a while but it's all come to a head now and he only has hours left. He's asleep and comfortable. I'm in contact with cousins over Facebook but my dad hasn't been in my life since I was 3 years old. Obviously over the years I've seen him when I have been to stay with family on that side of the family and for other things like funerals. We've never been close. He's only half an hour drive from me and has never made any effort to see me on his own back. I had an awful childhood with step dads etc. My dad knew about my abuse etc but never stepped in. When I was 14 I ran away from home to live with him and his girlfriend but got sent home after a week. Now he's dying. I've tried to contact him over the last year but he never replies. I just think my family must look at me think I'm a fraud for being by his bedside. I have a fantastic step dad who has been in my life since I was a teen and I would be absolutely distraught if anything happened to him. With my bio dad I'm numb. There's so much I would have loved to know about him. He's been a heavy drinker all his life and quite an angry man but I still would have liked him to make the effort with his only child and now his grandchildren. I don't know why I'm writing this. It just feels so so weird that part of my life I didn't really know about is ending. Does that make sense. And will the family see me as a hanger on? My cousins and aunty and uncles live close to him and see him regularly. They probably wonder why I haven't made the effort. Sorry if sound selfish I'm just trying to process things.

Does your dad want you there? That’s the only thing that matters, not what the family think.

I have no advice but wanted to send support. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate these difficult relationships at the end of life. Trust your instincts and do whatever feels right in the moment. You don’t have to behave in a way that makes sense to anyone else.

There's no right or wrong way to behave.

If, despite the way he has behaved towards you in the past, want to be with him now - for any reason - then stay with him. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

If you don't want to be there but are staying with him because he's your father and you feel that you should be there, then go home. He hasn't been a father to you and you don't owe him anything.

If you make a decision one way and then change your mind, that's ok too.

Your feelings, whatever they are (and it's probably a complicated mixture) are valid and you are entitled to have them and to listen to them.

Can't edit on my phone.

2nd paragraph
If... you want to be with him...

I would say that the question is more do you want to be there? If so then you a perfect right to be there, but if you don't it is perfectly OK for you to say your goodbyes and leave.

It is such a hard situation for you and there is no perfect answer.

OP presumably wants to be there because she IS there.

So of course it’s important whether or not her dad wants her there.

Or do you think the terminally ill have no rights?

Sadly I don't know how he feels as he's asleep and being made comfortable. He did stir up when I saw him and told him it was me but he's so so poorly. Hes also a very stubborn man. I'll stay here as that's what I think I should do. He's not on anything other than morphine and just waiting now. Thank you for everyone who has responded. I do feel guilty. My aunty and cousin have been going up nearly every day for ages and my other uncle sees him every day. He does have a lot of family around. I'm sad I've not made an effort. I've messaged him a few times over the last few years but he doesn't reply. My aunty said he's changed numbers etc and is quite a technophobe. But I guess he could have passed new numbers on. For context he's a miserable moody old man ha ha. Always has been. Very much independent and stroppy. Not an emotional man at all. Never ever discuss feelings etc. I wonder if he's cringing inside with us all holding his hand.

You are assuming her dad is conscious and has capacity.

I think the poster you quoted was trying to reassure the OP that if she didn’t want to be there, she didn’t have to stay out of a misguided sense of duty.

That's such a difficult situation, OP. I'd be livid if I had any comments from the rest of the family - you are his daughter, his closest relative. It's awful that he was seeing them and not you, but now if you think it will help you lay things to rest, stay with him. You need to put yourself first - he should have been doing that all along.

I'm so glad you have a great stepfather now.

No, I didn’t assume anything, I asked.

And the OP was not about the OP feeling duty bound to be there.

Sorry OP, this sounds really hard. I don't think your aunts etc will be thinking this. They are likely glad you are there to share in his final moments, and thinking it is a shame for you he would t have been better for you while he could. Just say your goodbyes. Good luck xx

How can he give consent if he’s hours from dying and unlikely to be conscious?

No, but the post you responded to was from someone asking the OP if she wanted to be there. I am sure you know full well that not all terminally ill people are able to express their wishes when they are so close to death.

I won’t derail the thread any further, I am sorry you’re going through this, I imagine it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling given the circumstances. I’m thinking of you OP x

Thank you everyone. He passed away at 8.20. Was quite peaceful. We were all sat around chatting and he just suddenly went. Would be the sort of way I would like to go, with my family all around me just chatting. Xxx

OP, I'm so glad it was peaceful. Whatever you are feeling right now is valid. Please be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks.

That sounds lovely, the way most of us would want to go. I'm glad that you felt able to stay as that's what you wanted to do.

Whatever you feel now (and in the future) is ok. Whether that's grieving for your dad; grieving for the dad you wanted him to be but he wasn't or anything else those feelings are valud.

I think you're very brave OP.

I would be saying, it's me dad I'm here and I'm pleased you are comfortable and being looked after... then I'd leave. You don't have to wait for him to die.

That was a really kind way for him to die.

for you.

Hope you’re ok

Hi. Thanks for asking. I'm ok. Busy sorting out my DDs new house so taking my mind off it. There's nothing I can do now. Can't turn the clock back and force a relationship from him. Just grateful I have my lovely little family and will never abandon them (no matter what they put me through 🤣). Thanks for all your support yesterday 💕

Don't worry what anyone else is thinking - no one wants to die alone and everyone knows that, so the fact you are there despite it all shows true kindness. Huge hugs.

I think you were right to be there @WingingItSince1973

im sure his family won’t feel you were intruding. They likely thought it was bad that he didn’t really have a relationship with you when you were little. That’s something an adult needs to facilitate. You were only 3 when he left. None of this was your fault. It would be almost impossible to have a “normal” close relationship with your dad if he didn’t really bother with you.

🌺🌺🌺 for you. Don’t be hard on yourself. He’s at peace now.

I agree. It’s painful and disorientating when a parent dies, no matter how inadequate they were.

Please remember you owe him nothing, and you’re being very kind to give him your time now. I know it would be lovely if he apologised and said he’d always loved and thought about you. Or even if he looked at you and smiled or thanked you. But dear OP, that was very unlikely to happen from a man like him.

You have your own family now, you need nothing from him, and you are by far the better person. If you need closure, just say goodbye and feel yourself letting go of him. Xxx

Edited to add: And don’t ever feel guilty! You tried. All the fault was his.

Please remember that this is not all on you - I think you are taking on a burden of guilt that is not yours to bear. This is a man who failed you and it would be madness if you did not have mixed feelings about him. Over the years he could have made contact with you, but he did not - that is on him and not on you.

You clearly felt that being by his bedside when he was dying was the right thing to do and you were courageous enough to do that. I can only say well done to you for that. And you should pat yourself on the back.

Thank you everyone. Now has started the messages about me being his next of kin. Have sent my aunty proof with my birth certificate that he's on there. They have never doubted it of course. I've had a really good relationship with aunts, uncles and cousins on my dad's side of family just not with him. So my aunty has said there was only a verbal agreement between her and my dad that she should sort everything out if he died and she should split any money between her, my other uncle and then treat me and 3 other people. Not sure what treat means. He didn't own his own home and I couldn't even guess if he had a good bank balance. It feels so weird now as legally I'm the one who should get everything but morally for me that would appear wrong. It's all going to be a massive headache now.

DO you want to be there or is it a duty thing?
You dont have to you know, you can leave at any point.
Of course if you want to then you have every right to, you are his daughter so you dont need to feel like a fraud.