To send DH and kids on holiday without me

[JacNoaIsa]

Every year DHs dad books and pays for this lovely large beachside house on the Isle of Wight for the may half-term, it’s the perfect size for the family, as DH and I have 2 boys and a girl and his sister has 3 girls.
DH loves these 5 days on the Isle of Wight it’s become his favourite tradition.
Here’s the issue …. I don’t enjoy it!! I find the week quite dull, it’s mainly the kids running around on the beach if the weather permits and board games. I like his sister and her DH but they are all a bit nauseatingly sweet, either they have the perfect life or they do a very good job at acting like they do!

Ive already booked time off for the trip but I’m thinking wouldn’t it be lovely if DH took the kids and had time with his family and I got a week at home, catching up on chores, maybe book a spa day and see some friends.
DH has said he won’t force me to go but is really upset that I want to bail as this is the only time his whole family are together (I mean we spend every new years with them and have his dad over every other Christmas and see him probably every other week but I get what he is saying!)

AIBU to really want the week off and just not go? I could I suppose go for the Wednesday/Thursday night and just miss Sunday-Tuesday, but honestly I’d love the whole week to myself!

Depends.

If you rarely get time to yourself, the trip is pretty much you doing most of the parenting, and/or there is not
much for you to do there that you would enjoy, YANBU for wanting to not want to
go or to only go for a few days.

I do the holidays with my in-laws to beach holidays which I am not a fan of due to being heat intolerant and finding it boring to spend a week just being by a pool or beach when I can do that in the UK without feeling like I’m going to faint or my skin burning (they plan the trips to go in the hottest part of the year 🙄). I find activities, explore and make the most of it.

Saying that, I would not be keen if it was the same place every year for a week if there was little for me to enjoy and I was just another set of hands when DH could take the children on his own.

I wouldn’t make my own DH do it if it was my family.

To be brutally honest, unless there is a massive drip feed coming, I think you sound really selfish.
I am surprised by the responses you have supporting you

Nope, OP isn't selfish at all. I have had many a holiday that was with my family and DC. DH opted out on most of them, nobody battered an eyelid or was upset. DC couldn't have cared less, they had their cousins for play & adventures ... to many attentative adults around would have been a massive spoiler for the DC!

I dragged myself to the equivalent week long stint with my husband's wider family for years and hated it, now I join them for a few days and it works really well, I have time to myself to miss them all and my husband prefers me to be happy than sat with a face like thunder whilst he tries to keep everyone happy.
I say stay at home but join them for the last bit. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel, not everyone enjoys compulsory fun.

To be honest I’d hate doing the same holiday over and over each year regardless of who it was with. Also if you’re spending Christmas AND this week with them away then that’s a lot of annual leave/ holiday time so I get the needing a break from it. It’s such a different dynamic holiday with relatives (whether they’re your own family or your in laws) and even if you get on with them a week is a long time to not really be able to fully relax and unwind.

I think the compromise is good to go for a few days but also I’m not a person who thinks kids will burst into flames if only one parents takes them away. I often take my son on solo holidays as my husband works away, doesn’t mean he thinks we’re divorcing, or that we love him less or his dad has abandoned him. If you need a break you need a break, and presumably you’ve said no to just this year not a flat out never again.

I am surprised that people are saying that a week out of 5 weeks annual leave is a lot - as if they would be on holiday all five weeks to alternative destinations!

I wouldn't go on this break if we were expected to pay for something I didn't want to do! But as your FIL is (generously) paying I would go and make the most for it. It's not affecting your holiday the rest of the year.

Also sorry if its tmi but my husband and I really enjoyed sex after missing each other, probably part of the reason he has supported me in joining them later! Needless to say, watching him play risk with his cousins was NOT a big turn on before I stopped going 😄
I also found once I stopped going all week other family members stepped up and helped with childcare, whereas b4 when I went all week I was basically our children's nanny whilst my husband did "family traditions" that didn't involve his children. I think his family didn't realise the work I put into our "holidays" until they had to sit on an isolated beach digging a hole for my toddler to sh*t in because I was no longer there to magic the stress of young children away

well, I am sorry to hear that, but it is unusual, most parents manage to source a few days away for their kids occasionally, we never had a car, or money, but did go camping regularly. Once you have the gear, it doesn't cost to use it.

I totally get it. It’s not very exciting and you would absolutely love some alone time. But it will damage your relationship with your DH who clearly adores the big family holiday.

If he’s generally a good husband and you love him I would suck it up and go on the holiday. Maybe you can carve out some alone time for yourself during the trip? Alternatively, you can make going on the trip conditional upon you getting some alone time later on in the year.

I think, if this is an every year thing, it’s okay for you to skip it unless you also take a fair bit of other holiday time for yourself, or you have no other family time away booked (though if it’s the latter - you should get to veto for next year and insist on something else if you want to).

I suspect your DH’s upset is at least a bit about you not having quite the same enthusiasm as him when it comes to holidays with his family. But that’s unrealistic. It’s exceedingly rare for someone to think about their spouses family the way they think about their own and the vast majority of married people really ought to have an inkling that their spouses are to some extent politely tolerating their family - even if they actually like them it’s rarely the same to be with a spouse’s family as it is to be with your own. Maybe point this out and reassure him that it doesn’t mean anything about the way you feel about him.

I can just imagine if this was a post about a ‘DH’ not wanting to go on a booked and paid for family holiday as he’d like a week to himself to play golf and catch up with friends, reason being playing board games and watching the kids run around on the beach all day is boring 😂

To be honest, I’d be looking if there was any tourist attractions near by, go for a few nice meals and generally enjoy the change of scenery with my children. My in-laws are ‘picture perfect’, drive me nuts. I still go on family trips but make the most of it.

Blink and your children are adults. Unless you go on lots of family holidays, I hate to miss out on precious time like this with them to have a week at home alone?

Habe a week at home.
It teachers your family to cope without you and why can they nit cope a week without Mum.
How lovely to have time yo yourself.
Do it.
As a mum, we need me time without the guilt.

I think this is the kind of thing in years to come you'll look back on and be sorry you didn't go.
Family holidays are precious and kids grow up so fast .
I'd focus on making the holiday more enjoyable for you ie go off and book a spa day there somewhere .

I see both sides but on balance I think YABU.

My DH took the kids to Scotland on holiday three years ago, leaving me at home, and it was my best holiday ever. I got loads of clearing up done - the big jobs that you keep putting off because they'll make such a mess doing them. The house was tidy and quiet for a week. I didn't have piles of laundry to do. I read books, did a lot of needlepoint, watched my favourite movies, ate when I wanted, slept when I wanted. It was absolute luxury and I would love to do it again.

If the poster admitted it was a holiday they (assuming in this scenario it’s still the mother posting) insisted on going on with their family every year the response would be pretty similar.

But I think there’s also an assumption going on here that the mother is the default parent and has been doing the vast majority of the boring watching-the-kids-play for all the rest of the year and so deserves a bit of a rest if they are a bit over it. Which may not be the case, but it’s a reasonably good guess that it will be.