Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Weekend away.

71 replies

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 07:57

Bit of a back story I get on really well with my DP family, we see them regularly no issues. Also I have no issue with him doing thing's separately with his family.

My question is AIBU to be really quite pissed off and upset at this situation. We go away once a year for a weekend trip, his family and myself and my children, I tried to organise this again this year, me and his SIL met up for a drink and discussed it to which she said they weren't going to come this year because of money and so on.

I then find out that for my DP birthday she has booked for them to go away to the place I was trying to arrange for us. So she's paid for his and his kid's accommodation. Now it transpires that his whole family is going, and I've not even been invited. So my whole plan has been hijacked and I've been cut out of it.

OP posts:

Outsideofsociety · 05/05/2024 10:11

There seems to have been a few threads on MN lately where a long term partner has been deliberately excluded from family holidays arranged by her DPs family. Causing a lot of hurt, and also anger. I don't understand it.
In OPs case it seems to have been done in a really underhand way . I'm not surprised she is confused and angry.
I think if her DP does not repair the situation by making sure she is also included then if I were her I would be questioning how he really feels about her. As a pp said you would think he would want OP there to share the birthday celebration.
Being excluded in this way doesn't say a lot for OPs standing with his family.

Original poster

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 10:29

Thank you, I think I just wouldn't dream of inviting her brother to something and then excluding her. I just feel for what ever reason I'm not seen as an equal partner. And maybe that's more what I need to be questioning as to why they have that impression.

I'd just not dream of doing it to my partner either. Anyway I'm going to look for somewhere for me, my kids and the dog to go.

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 05/05/2024 10:31

@Notsoflirtythirty

Very hurtful for your DP's family to, effectively, lie to you and exclude you from this event which was discussed for all of you - and which you were actively arranging at one stage.

How on earth do they, including your partner, think you'll feel being isolated this way? I hope he thinks again, steps up and treats you like the long-term partner you are and tells his family, particularly SIL, how HE feels, as well as you, for their unkind behaviour. 🌹

ittakes2 · 05/05/2024 10:43

Its his birthday - on what planet does someone not want to spend their birthday celebrations with their partner?

Unfortunately, I suspect she is not keen on hanging out with your kids (or maybe you / your kids). Very sorry about that.

He needs to grow a backbone and say he wants you and your kids there.

There is no way my husband would tolerate anyone treating me that way.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/05/2024 10:53

It sounds quite mean, especially given that you've said that normally you get on with the family really well.
I think as you do know SiL well enough to meet up with her separately, I would say something along the lines of " I'm really upset that that when I tried to organise a trip to X you said no because you couldn't afford it, but you have now arranged exactly that same trip but excluding me. What is that about? Because I'm trying not to take it personally but honestly it looks like you no longer want to be friends and don't see me as family."
I think you are being very sanguine about it, but it is so hurtful.

Disturbia81 · 05/05/2024 10:53

This is rotten. Can't believe your partner not standing up for you

Moonshine5 · 05/05/2024 11:18

@Notsoflirtythirty
You should be pissed off.
SIL lied to you (or changed her mind and withheld the information).
The whole family was aware except you.
By attending without you the message DP gives off is that "it's ok to treat notsoflirty badly, make decisions behind her back, I don't have her back".

It's a slippery slope @Notsoflirtythirty please look after your interests. If your DP goes I would consider splitting up - you deserve someone who stands up for you. You're a partnership together.

This is not him planning a trip with his brother. This is his family excluding you and hiding it from you. It's called gaslighting and YANBU

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 11:43

In this scenario my dh would not be going, and would be very clear about the reasons with the whole family.

The issue isn’t the holiday op, the issue is thst your dp does not have your back.

He sounds very weak.

Dweetfidilove · 05/05/2024 11:52

How the hell so you book a trip for an adult and his children without them knowing about it?

Does your partner and his children have no jobs/commitments that would require checking they are available and what for?

You really need to address this with your partner as he’s agreed to going without you or didn’t care enough to find out why you’re being excluded.

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2024 11:54

@Notsoflirtythirty are you sure that it isn't your children that they don't want there? It sounds as though they are going by the old 'blood ties' rule and you have none. You have to ask your SIL or it will fester. This would be heading towards deal breaker territory for me. Also be aware re wills etc how your children are thought of.

CanaryMary · 05/05/2024 11:58

Oh this seems strange in the context of what you said
id be pretty hurt and upset
its for your partners birthday but your excluded very strange
I think of have to ask outright why?
agree with pp
is it your children do you think? I agree ask or it would fester and I think it would be a deal breaker for me too as clearly not wanted as part of the family! I can’t understand this tbh

Cakeandcardio · 05/05/2024 12:04

ZekeZeke · 05/05/2024 08:03

Also I have no issue with him doing thing's separately with his family.

Well you clearly do! Stay out of it.
It's not up to you to be organising weekends away with his family, that's overstepping.

Do you genuinely feel that is overstepping? I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with them. I regularly organise days out with my in laws (often just the women and DH doesn't come). I txt my sister in law to make plans for Christmas and we've been on holiday with PIL where I've booked meals etc.

I think it's shit OP that you've been cut out. No wonder you feel hurt. With the lying too! Speak to your DH but I would be hurt too.

Conniebygaslight · 05/05/2024 12:05

That’s awful OP, you must be very hurt and confused. You’ve been together and part of this family for 5 years! Do you live together?
it sounds very odd to me….

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/05/2024 12:08

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 08:23

Nope not overstepped, last we went away was October and we've seen each other plenty, she will ask to meet up just me and her, since it's been booked she's invited us over. So as far as I'm aware no issue from her part.

No we're not married and we've Actively chosen not to have children together. I didn't realise this made such a difference to being seen as Family? We've been together 5 year's so I'm not exactly a fresh face.

I'm going to look at doing something with my two.

Do you live together?

Wallywobbles · 05/05/2024 12:08

My DH is very conflict averse with his family but he would definitely not let this go without question. Is your DH a bit of a drip with his family?

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/05/2024 12:16

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 09:09

As far as I'm aware there is no issue. But maybe I'm missing something. No his parents are lovely and often invite me to thing's, myself and his mum go out together.

DP has two children. Lovely kid's. All get on pretty well. They are all older do way out of the tantrum/ difficult stage.

No our relationship is really good, we've got a weekend booked together coming up, do lots together, he suggests we do a lot of things together, all the kid's included. So I would be a bit blindsided if we broke up, but that's not to say it doesn't happen

Last time I read soemthing on her like this . The partner /husband was behind it and the family knew about a new women.

I am in no means saying anything like this is happening, what I am saying is maybe look closer to your partner for the answers.
There is a reason this is happening and id want to find out the reason. It’s such a U turn in behaviour and your partner is accepting of it . Why?

TotalDramarama24 · 05/05/2024 12:31

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 08:25

I was more questioning if I had the right to be annoyed, I've not intentions of messaging her and causing a blow up about it. But equally I'll be more reserved in the future.

Yes you've absolutely got the right to be annoyed. She lied to your face, has excluded you and your kids from the trip but is inviting you over and expecting to carry on as if nothing has happened. She has been incredibly rude and I would be livid with her and also my DP for not saying hold on why has notso been excluded from this trip?

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 12:44

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 10:29

I'd just not dream of doing it to my partner either. Anyway I'm going to look for somewhere for me, my kids and the dog to go.

You shouldn’t have to do that op! Your dp should be sorting this out. Why are you putting up with this shabby behaviour?

Original poster

Notsoflirtythirty · 05/05/2024 16:01

We do live together, I guess it could be my children, however they all get on well, the girls are similar age's and often want to hang out, and both the boy's also. I mean this in the kindest way possible but her kid's are HARD work, they are the one's to throw the strops and can be full on. However I just accept it for what it is and kid's are kid's.

My daughter is tricky at home but not whilst out or on a holiday she is well behaved. I'm not solely blaming her, I'm also upset that he's not questioned it. But I know I'll get the response of but I'm allowed to go away with my family, which is absolutely true. But I just wouldn't exclude him or his children. She's also stirred up stuff with me and him before which could have caused arguments, but didn't because we're adults.

OP posts:

Chillilounger · 05/05/2024 16:11

If this was my dh's family who had deliberately excluded me and he went anyway I would loose all respect for him and the relationship wouldn't survive. He should be saying he won't be going if you're not invited. They probably didn't want to pay for you or your kids but if they can't afford to treat all of you they should have organised something different that they could afford.

LittlePudding1 · 05/05/2024 16:37

This is terrible and you must be very hurt and angry.
You dh needs to ask exactly why you haven't been invited and also state that you need to be added in or he isn't going

Unless obviously they really do not like you after all, in this case I wouldn't want to go anyway and would cut all contact with them.

There must be some reason for not including you, it seems very deliberate, especially when it was your idea

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread