Weekend away.

[Notsoflirtythirty]

Bit of a back story I get on really well with my DP family, we see them regularly no issues. Also I have no issue with him doing thing's separately with his family.

My question is AIBU to be really quite pissed off and upset at this situation. We go away once a year for a weekend trip, his family and myself and my children, I tried to organise this again this year, me and his SIL met up for a drink and discussed it to which she said they weren't going to come this year because of money and so on.

I then find out that for my DP birthday she has booked for them to go away to the place I was trying to arrange for us. So she's paid for his and his kid's accommodation. Now it transpires that his whole family is going, and I've not even been invited. So my whole plan has been hijacked and I've been cut out of it.

Unless I am reading this wrong, I actually think you are under reacting here! That's horrible.

So you all go away every year, you met up and discussed plans for this time and you suggested a specific place and then the plans went ahead without you included?

Surely you just send a quick message to your SIL and say have I done something to upset you as I'm unsure why I've been uninvited? Because essentially given that you met up with her to make the plans, the initial plan was you would be there.

Your partner needs to speak up here.

You have the right to be annoyed/upset about this.

I would be expressing to my partner how it has made me feel and expecting him to stand up for me. He shouldn’t just be passively going ahead with something that is upsetting his partner. He should be saying he doesn’t want to go without you and he doesn’t understand why they would exclude you, it’s rude & hurtful.

Of course it's rude. What's ruder is your partner going along with it! Perhaps your "close" relationship with them isn't very healthy. Does it all rely on you doing as they want? If so it's time to spread your wings and see if DP is going to grow with you, or stay shackled.

I also agree that you are under-reacting. That was a really shitty thing to do and your partner should have spoken to them.

Disgraceful behaviour by him and his family.

Why do you feel the need to be an arsehole towards the OP. I'm not sure where you are getting that it's overstepping. It's a very weird thing that only seems to come up on Mumsnet that people should never arrange things with their partners relatives. Real life isn't like that.

Are you sure he isn't thinking about breaking up with you OP? It sounds as though they think you aren't to be planned for and that's the big reason leaping out at me... Is your relationship otherwise OK?

I had an ex refuse to come on holiday with me and DC once and it was a bit of a death spiral for us. He got unreasonably angry we went without him and sulked about it when we got back.

Make sure you do something you really want to do, don't hold back. Just make the most of the time with your kids 1:1. He's an idiot and a coward for not speaking up and being and adult if he does want to spend the time with you.

Does your Do have his own kids who are going?

Is it something to do with your kids?

It does seem to be really hurtful behaviour. I think if you are close to your SIL I would ask her in a calm and non-accusatory way how this came about. E.g It’s lovely that you invited DP to xxx for his birthday, but I was a bit surprised that it’s worked out like this after our conversation. Totally respect your own choices but I wondered if there is any difficulty when we all go together?”

And then listen in a fair and open minded way if she says anything hard to hear. It won’t be worse than just being excluded or living with an elephant in the room for the next 20 years.

Surely your DP wants to spend his birthday with you!? How odd. Rude of them.

You are totally correct, we don’t, which is why your absolute “overstepping” comment wasn’t based on any of that knowledge

Shitty thing of SIL to do and shitty of DP not to deal with it with SIL and the others who are going. Prioritising his family, who in this instance have treated you and your DC badly, over you / the DC and his own preferences.

I’d be v angry with and think much less of him for going.

As far as I'm aware there is no issue. But maybe I'm missing something. No his parents are lovely and often invite me to thing's, myself and his mum go out together.

DP has two children. Lovely kid's. All get on pretty well. They are all older do way out of the tantrum/ difficult stage.

No our relationship is really good, we've got a weekend booked together coming up, do lots together, he suggests we do a lot of things together, all the kid's included. So I would be a bit blindsided if we broke up, but that's not to say it doesn't happen

Why are you not angry with your DP here?

I am angry at him, I'm annoyed he has brought it up and seems to be down playing it. But equally I've been quietly stewing on it, hence asking if I'm being OTT about it, before I bring it up again

Sorry *hasn't

Then I think you need to broach this with your sil. It's confusing and personally I'd have to know more about how this came about.
I'd not come at it from an accusatory angle but a 'settle this thought for me' approach.
See what she says.

OK, so YANBU to be annoyed and to ask him not to attend and explain to his family. His family so he should deal with SIL and the others and ‘have your back’.

Maybe it's the case that because you have another weekend planned he thought that would take over from the one you wanted to do? It's bonkers and unfair they took your idea though and at the very least I'd be talking about that to him.
I think you have to break it down for him to see why you are upset. He's got all of these women fawning and planning for him and isn't being thoughtful about it because he is being treated like a baby, from the sounds of it.

I'd have to ask sil. She's basically organised the holiday you were planning to organise and left you out. I'd have to ask why. You can ask politely, but I'd definitely ask

There is noway my partner would go to this knowing I had been excluded and he would be asking why I wasn't invited.

So I guess he needs to man up and ask.

I think it's really awful and your DP should say so. If he won't then you may have to. It's going to be there in the air next time and you need to know what's going on or the relationship with his family will feel very fake. They've been very shitty , particularly the SIL. If it was her birthday maybe but for DP birthday, just no.
Your DP is being far too passive (or not telling you something)

Typical MN response, yawn.

The level of my annoyance would depend on whether the trip was taking place over his actual birthday or not.

If it was "for" his birthday but at another time then I would still be pretty pissed off about it, but might not do anything to damage on-going relationships, but I might back off for the foreseeable future.

If it was over his actual birthday then I would be seriously pissed off and telling DP that either you are invited too (but pay your own way), or this will seriously affect your relationship with SIL going forward.

If DP won't do anything, then I would message SIL and tell her that you are incredibly hurt that you have been excluded.

His birthday has been but it's a big one this year, hence why the fuss has been made over it, and it's been booked and plan for that.

I will be speaking to him about it. And yes I now feel like a complete outsider. I think what gets me also is if we had children together I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be treated this way but seemingly it makes me lesser of a partner. SIL and his brother aren't married the only difference is they have children together, the same for his sister and her partner

I think there are 3 outcomes: Dh says fuck this what’s wrong with all of you? If notso isn’t coming then nor is your wife or your husband, they can all piss off. Invite notso or I’m not coming and you can enjoy have my birthday weekend away without me because you’re all nasty assholes. Also, we won’t be coming for ChristmasZ
second: Dh goes and you break up with him because this isn’t ok after 5 years and he doesn’t have your back.
third: Dh says I’m not going, and goes somewhere else with you.

if he doesn’t have your back here this relationship is done.

I would be angry about this too!
Despite what @ZekeZeke says, it's very normal to arrange things with your partners family. I arrange things with SIL all the time and I would be devastated by this scenario as it would make me question my relationship with all of them, including DP.

I would have to ask SIL about it...my DP would definitely not go if this had happened.