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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we both have limerence

46 replies

Squirre · 05/05/2024 07:24

Skipping the grissly details, I had an ill advised night with someone I know well a while back (both single). We agreed to not to do it again and largely cut contact but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Got a bad case of limerence and some therapy. I'm quite good at locking my feelings up but still get the lovesick teen feelings and feel stupid. The problem is we both seem to have the same feelings and that makes it harder.
To be clear we've not done anything sexual but when we have seen eachother (unavoidable) have had far too lingering hugs goodbye and (again) ill advised handholding. I know how ridiculous this all sounds! I'm not 13 but I feel like I'm acting like it. He's told me he loves me more than once and that he wants us to be together but we both understand circumstances mean that's not a great idea. Am I right in thinking we both have limerence? That that's actual the biggest red flag and not the sign of some great love I'm denying myself? Sorry if this is muddled. My brain is too!

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 05/05/2024 07:26

Why do you assume it's limerance and not just the feelings you have for someone that indicate you want to be in a relationship with them?

Jokl · 05/05/2024 07:27

Not mega helpful, possibly, but I don’t really buy into the whole limerance thing. Maybe it doesn’t make sense for you to be together right now but obviously there are feelings and chemistry there. Whether you choose to act on that or not, those feelings will remain.

Trolleytoken · 05/05/2024 07:27

Yeah this just sounds like you fancy each other madly but for whatever reason it’s not a good idea for you to be together as a couple.

GRex · 05/05/2024 07:28

If you are both single, and both have feelings for each other, then you may as well try the relationship. It is not clear why you have decided not to.

JewelledPony · 05/05/2024 07:28

It sounds like you just like/fancy each other. I get that if it’s more sensible to not be with each other then the feelings are unwelcome or difficult to navigate. If only they could be turned off! But they sound like normal feelings to me.

hottchocolatte · 05/05/2024 07:28

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 05/05/2024 07:26

Why do you assume it's limerance and not just the feelings you have for someone that indicate you want to be in a relationship with them?

This

Bewareofthisonetoo · 05/05/2024 07:29

Puzzling -if you are both single why not give it a go?

Kitkatcatflap · 05/05/2024 07:34

It sounds as you both have feelings for each other. If you are both single and like each other what is stopping you?

To me, limerence is is a kind of unrequited love that goes on for years and years. It's a tortured headspace.

Halfheadhighlights · 05/05/2024 07:37

Why can’t you be together? Are you related?

CandiedPrincess · 05/05/2024 07:39

Limerance is a MN favourite for talking people out of relationships that people shouldn't/can't be in.

AhBiscuits · 05/05/2024 07:40

Is he a Montague?

Qwertys · 05/05/2024 07:43

He’s your ex’s brother right?

therealjohnmajor · 05/05/2024 07:44

What's the issue if you're both single? Just sounds to me like you have a connection with someone 🤷🏼‍♀️

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 07:45

Another one wondering why it's 'ill-advised' if you're both single.

Do you work together? Are you related by blood eg cousins?

Candleabra · 05/05/2024 07:45

You’re both single and clearly fancy each other. Go for it. Where’s the issue?

BotDranning · 05/05/2024 07:48

I'm another one who doesn't buy into the Limerance thing - glad to hear others think same.
OP have you both spoken about these feelings?

Comfysock · 05/05/2024 07:49

Is it with a family member, work colleague, best friends other half?

Didimum · 05/05/2024 07:51

What’s limerance got to do with anything? If you don’t want to be with this person when cut contact. If seeing them is unavoidable (is it really?) then pull yourself up on it and do better. Limerance, lust, fancying someone, whatever you want to call it is just a vocabulary excuse, when the real problem is your behaviour.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 07:52

Qwertys · 05/05/2024 07:43

He’s your ex’s brother right?

Ah yes, advance searched ....

OP this situation has been going on for months, so yes you do have limerance problems because you can't stop yourself starting new threads on here to discuss it!

Why waste your time and headspace on someone you won't have a long term future with. Not least of all because it would keep you shackled to your ex, when you need to create separation.

Squirre · 05/05/2024 07:53

Sorry left out some key context. He's my exes brother (I know, I know 😩 )

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 05/05/2024 07:54

Is it you again with your ex's brother?

ZekeZeke · 05/05/2024 07:55

If you are the same OP that's posted again and again about him, just bloody do it and stop banging on about it.
You haven't listened to previous advice.

ZekeZeke · 05/05/2024 07:55

This is the younger brother right?

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 07:56

🪄 <<< here's the MN magic wand to make the problem disappear because it's probably the only way it'll sort it out.

Jokl · 05/05/2024 08:01

This has been going on quite some time now op, I don’t think you can keep trying to write it off as ‘just’ limerance at this stage.

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