To think we both have limerence

[Squirre]

Skipping the grissly details, I had an ill advised night with someone I know well a while back (both single). We agreed to not to do it again and largely cut contact but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Got a bad case of limerence and some therapy. I'm quite good at locking my feelings up but still get the lovesick teen feelings and feel stupid. The problem is we both seem to have the same feelings and that makes it harder.
To be clear we've not done anything sexual but when we have seen eachother (unavoidable) have had far too lingering hugs goodbye and (again) ill advised handholding. I know how ridiculous this all sounds! I'm not 13 but I feel like I'm acting like it. He's told me he loves me more than once and that he wants us to be together but we both understand circumstances mean that's not a great idea. Am I right in thinking we both have limerence? That that's actual the biggest red flag and not the sign of some great love I'm denying myself? Sorry if this is muddled. My brain is too!

I think I only post twice but maybe that is a lot I don't know. I don't really have a support system and my therapist is £50 an hour 😩 only posted to try and get my head straight when I've got myself into a muddle. I like to think I've taken the advice - but it's hard to get on top of emotions and feelings sometimes. Hadn't intended to cause any issues with posting. I know it's not anything to be proud of and should probably be kept to myself.

So you slept with your ex’s brother, that’s hardly the crime of the century. You both have feelings for each other by the sound of it. Why not just date and see what happens? If your ex is pissed off so what, he’s your ex!

Hi ex is your ex? Do you have children together? If not, why not just date discreetly and see how it goes?

How long ago did you split with your ex and has he got a new partner would be things I'd consider.

What do YOU and he want?
Your ex is your ex and you have a kid/s right?
It will be messy, it's his brother. Imagine Christmas, family events....
The brother is younger.
You fancy each other and have slept together in the past.
Again, what do YOU want? And does he feel the same or is it just a fling for him?

Gently, yu don't need therapy you need to make an active decision about going for it and to hell with the fall out or not. Perhaps some therapy on unhelpful thought processes might be helpful or making plans to be very busy if you expect to cross paths, e.g an exercise class and dinner with a friend who you can't talk to about it.

I think you both enjoy the feelings but ifnim honest, I expect its more of a game to him, getting close and playing with fire. Has he ever had a strong significant relationship and responsibility e.g been a really good dad, changed hours to fit his kids etc.?

Not a crime to post twice and not a crime to date him as far as I can tell.

How did it end with your ex?

Give it a try, slowly and discreetly for a while

It's a bit forward to be saying he loves you imho, that's actually the bit I'd be careful of. But perhaps he got to know you well?

It didn't end badly with my ex exactly. We have a severely disabled dc and he didn't particularly cope well. Still doesn't if I'm honest. Always been close to his brother, we have similar taste in music and things so when he was around he'd go with me to things on my respite nights and helped with dc. In hindsight probably too close but at the time my brain was too tired and focused on dc to notice anything else. It's all a bit messy and complicated. I feel like I love him but I also know being very tired and not having much ... I can't think of the right words ... fun? I'm not sure but time to be myself maybe? Is probably making me latch onto something inappropriate. I don't think he should feel that way about me which is why I'm thinking it's more a red flag than a green.

I'm probably feeling worse atm as we've lost our overnight respite so I'm even more tired and baffled than normal 🙈 put it down to that.

Perhaps they’re cousins or something..?

Ah. My bad - hadn’t read the whole thread before posting.

Limerance does exist, not sure if this is it though.

You don't need therapy you need to make an active decision about going for it and to hell with the fall out or not.

Agree with this

He's told me he loves me more than once and that he wants us to be together but we both understand circumstances mean that's not a great idea. Am I right in thinking we both have limerence?

Nah it means he loves dangling you on a piece of string and watching you squirm.

He's toying with you and that's not a nice thing to do to anyone, especially someone who needs therapy.

You two need to shit or get off the pot, but it sounds like every time you go to get off, he comes out with "I love you" 🙄

Have nothing more to do with him.

i once read a book that said most relationships start with limerance but obviously you wouldn’t be able to function with that limerance forever so it fades as the relationship strengthens. Certainly I went through it when I met dp.

Op I wouldn’t see it as a bad thing for you to pursue this. I think it’s so rare to meet someone you have a chemistry with you should go for it. But very, very slowy - bearing in mind your ex and children. No one needs to know you’re dating for a few months til you know it’s a relationship rather than just a crush.

Agree with this. I hate this kind of man - I’ve seen a couple of friends royally screwed over like this. One poor girl was kept hanging on for years. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you.

I thought the whole thing about limerence was that the other person was quite indifferent.

This sounds more like mutual infatuation.

Limerance is more like an obsession, that your day and emotions all revolve around this one person. They can consume your every thought. I don’t think this is that, you are both attracted to each other, your ex’s brother isn’t the worse relation I’ve came across, you need to speak to each other, decide if you want to give it ago, deal with the consequences.

Mutual infatuation probably is the right term for it. I think Im struggling with it because he feels like a safe person to be in a relationship with (even though the situation is a mess) and so I don't entirely trust my feelings because Im not sure how much is me projecting. I don't know if that will make sense entirely but outside of the usual stuff you'd want in someone, he also understands and loves DC, understands my responsibilities and I trust him with DC. He's also not around very often because of his job, which is probably the ideal relationship dynamic for me as awful as that sounds 🙈 I keep circling to reassure myself it would be a bad thing because there's no way of knowing how family would react and no way of knowing if it would last. Then getting into a spiral of what if it's not a bad thing, what if everyone saw it coming and it does last. Knowing me I'll probably keep doing this until he loses interest!

Thank you for filling in whilst I'm too broke for my therapist ❤️ I'll try my hardest not to do another post about this because 4 threads probably would be excessive 😆

Limerance is just a fancy word for unhealthy obsession.

@Squirre, did you post before and the brother was in the army? ❤️

I did and somehow still in a fuss over it 🙈 He's in the navy.