To think others don’t have to put up with this degree of emotional blackmail from parents?

[Struggling33]

Said when I was growing up: ‘Your father is going to have a heart attack and die any day and it will all be your fault because you’re such a difficult child.’

Honestly, is this just the sort of thing parents say sometimes in the heat of the moment? Or is it really not acceptable?

I ask because I feel pretty affected by it. Yet I genuinely don’t know whether I’m oversensitive or whether my feelings are justified.

No, that’s an awful thing to say to a child.

my mum used to tell us... if it wasnt for us kids, she'd kill herself! imagine how that makes you feel growing up

No. Its a vindictive thing to say.

It’s a cruel and frightening thing to say to a child. You are not being oversensitive. I was told I would be put in a home for difficult children by my DM. It’s a legacy that never really leaves you but you have to believe in yourself OP and meet your own needs so it has less power.

Nah, that’s abusive.

Parents in the 70’s used to say all that sort of stuff constantly- it was considered normal.

This was a bit later but interesting that you say that.

Yes I grew up in the seventies and honestly parents could do whatever they wanted to you / abuse you and nobody checked/cared. I'm not sure if social services existed back then. Certainly you didn't approach teachers with personal problems or call helplines. They also smoked round us, drove us round without seatbelts, gave us a bath once a week and fed us minimal poor quality food.

The whole 'children should be seen and not heard' was still rife. Smacking was absolutely normal.

I think there were alot of cruel parents in the seventies that all went on under the radar so to speak.

1980s and 90s for me. I'm pretty sure that many parents said something about their dc causing some kind of grief.

Your mum sounds like a drama queen but it does sound like pretty standard 70/80s parenting.

In our house it was “I would have been a lawyer/interior designer/whatever took her fancy if I hadn’t had children. I gave up my life for you and you’re so ungrateful”.

@StormingNorman oh god the ungrateful. I ended up so bloody fed up of being told how ungrateful I was for everything in my entire world.

You’re not being over sensitive. It’s a twisted thing to say to a child. Pure cruelty.

90s for me and I still get that degree of emotional blackmail as an adult. I just ignore it now.

My favourite was when we played up as ordinary children and my mum would get fed up and pack a bag to leave, with my brother and I crying and pleading for her to stay. She then came back at night and sit outside on the steps, and my dad would wake us up to go and apologise and beg her to come home.

It’s only since becoming a parent I’ve realised how toxic mine were.

I'm a 70s kid,I used to get told they would put me in a home.

I was a 70's kid and my parents never said such horrible things to me. And my kids were 90's kids and I never said such things to them.

Yes it is absolutely abusive. I'm sure there are countless more examples you could give that you had to endure.

It's confusing because it is our 'normal' growing up, but when we're older we realise it was abnormal, terrible abuse.

Bethany Webster has a good book about what she calls the Mother Wound, basically growing up with a mother was the opposite of everything we think a mother should be.

Put yourself first for a while if you can, as you take time to work through the layers.

My grandma was the same. Guess who I haven’t spoken to for over 20 yrs

My 80s/ 90s upbringing was full of this shit. I am ungrateful and ruined my mothers life. One day she'll drop dead of the stress of having me and it'll be a relief for her and I'd finally get what I deserve! It's of the ilk of "I'll give you something to cry about". It's awful and damaging but sadly I don't think unusual at the time.

Not every parent from that time period said fucked up abusive things to their children. The majority of the people who click on this thread and comment will do so because they have experienced similar treatment.
It’s not normal, it’s not ok and it’s abuse.
I fully understand. I’m still on the receiving end of this sort of emotional manipulation.
Ive had to reduce contact mainly because I can’t tolerate it anymore, it was affecting my mental health and I didn’t want my kids subjected to it.
Classics off the top of my head from my darling parents :
‘ I will cut your hair off once you’re asleep.’ Mum when I was 9
’Your dad will have a stroke if this continues.’ Mum to me after my divorce (due to my husbands affair) when I unfortunately found myself In an abusive relationship.
‘she will be more likely to die of cot death now your bottle feeding.’ Mum when I was a single parent to my eldest at a young age and had no milk.
‘We won’t have anything to do with you if you continue your relationship with him. In fact we will disown you and you won’t get anything when we die’. Dad recently when I decided to get back with an ex partner ;not the ones mentioned above)
‘You’re a slag.’ Mum about 10 years ago when I went on a night out with friends. For once they had offered to babysit (this has never happened since) I went to a party and wasn’t back at a time she thought was acceptable.
I’ve had counselling delving into my childhood as my self esteem was shattered by the age of 13. I had anorexia for the majority of my teenage years stemming from my mothers obsession with beauty and body perfection. I was never a fat child but she referred to me as a ‘big girl.’ I was tall and athletic. She is petite and constantly made comparisons.
It might be a good idea to seek therapy if you feel this help you unpick things .People don’t understand unless they have experienced the same treatment. You can get past it and heal. There’s days I can’t spend much time with my mother in particular as it’s too difficult and she picks at me constantly despite being in my 40s. I have never spoken to my children in this way and will always be there to uplift them and support them.

Queen of wishful thinking..the cot death comment is pure evil.
What kind of mother says that to her daughter.
Least you treat your own children the right way.

@Thevelvelletes it isn’t it. I will never forget that comment. Of course she denies she said it.

Maybe in your world. I grew up in the 70s and never heard rubbish like that.

It really was not considered normal.

Had a similar conversation with my friends the other day- 70’s kids
We were saying if it would be classed as abuse for your dad to tie cotton round a tooth and the other end around a door handle then shut the door to pull it out 🥴 or park up at a pub and leave you locked in the car with a bag of crisps and a bottle of pop.
These were mild experiences compared to my husband’s upbringing in the 70s which was brutal.
His mother beat him and sister for minor misdemeanours and would bang their heads together. He still has lines on his legs from a belt …. Very different times 🥺
But we’re ok 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🥴🤣

I was a child in the 60s and 70s and my parents never said this! What an unpleasant generalisation