To spend more money on my eldest daughters birthday then my youngest

[Differentstarts]

I have 2 daughters 6 and 3 their birthdays are both next month. My 6 year old doesn't have a dad and only has me. My 3 year old does plus all these other relatives from his side. There's no relatives my side.
I like to treat them both equally and spend the same amounts on them to keep it fair. But doing this my eldest always ends up with so much less as my youngest has this whole other family buying for her. Aibu spending a lot more on her to even it out.
Yabu: you should spend the same on both
Yanbu: You should spend more on the eldest to even it out.

I've never managed to spend the exact same on each kid. Sometimes they want something bigger and sometimes something smaller. Even at Christmas I try to keep it somewhat equal but it never works out fully balanced. I think it's fine what you're doing.

Thankyou I just don't want it to appear like I'm picking favourites

I think parents that insist on spending the same amounts on each child are stupid.

You should buy what the child likes, not just spend for the sake of it.

I think older children often get bigger ticket items that are then passed down to younger siblings. Bikes, Ipad I really wouldn't worry about it.

I think it's unfair. It might be ok for this year but the youngest will soon pick up on it. It's also treating your eldest like a charity case because of who their family is (isn't) so that also isn't good. You need to teach them both that you see them as equals. Sure minor differences here and there but if you start giving pity presents it's not going to be good.

Even it up between the children, if one gets more from the other family I would think it's fine for you to put a bit more in from your family. Nothing has to be the same just equitable.

To me, fair isn't both kids getting the same amount of things or having the same amount spent on them. I spend a lot more on my 8 year old than I do my younger child as the younger child will also inherit older siblings things once outgrown so will end up with more.

I want my kids to end up with the same level of happiness and enjoyment, not the same amount of things.

When they're older and want monetary gifts then I'll give them the same amount. But until then, no chance!

Your idea certainly seems reasonable, @Differentstarts - but I’m concerned that as their needs and wants increase as they get older, your elder daughter will always be at a disadvantage.

Do you live with your younger daughter’s father? Does he not contribute to birthday presents and school uniforms and music lesson costs and holidays for his step daughter? What about your younger daughter’s extended family? Do they completely ignore the older one?

If it’s difficult to equalise things while they’re so little - I don’t see things improving when they need university top ups and driving lessons and what have you. Did you and your partner discuss all this before getting together?

But I don't think its fair for the eldest to have like 2/3 presents to open and the youngest gets 30. I already feel a lot of guilt because my eldest misses out on days out, holidays, sleepovers ect.

I'm not with the youngest daughters dad. We wasn't together long and his family barely know my eldest and don't have any kind of relationship with her.

She is not getting more though, is she.

The only difference is that you're covering all the costs when the cost of your youngest child's gifts and such are being shared by more people.

It's not favouritism if they still get roughly them same. It's just about economics and parental responsibility.

Sole responsibility for your eldest and shared responsibility for your youngest.

It's just the way it is. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Just try not talk about who is paying round the children. They don't need to know that.

Do you get on with your partners family. Could you get a few small bits yourself and address them from them, so they could hand them over. Keeping bigger ticket items as from yourself.

I know it's a bit duplicitous but it might make things seem more even.

It's not easy is it. You'll work it out.

Buying more presents isn't going to make up for their family not being around or missing out on those things. Especially as they get older, how are you going to explain it? The eldest gets more as they don't have as big a family? Sorry dad's not around but here's an xbox. I personally think that's kind of just papering over cracks of what is going to become a difficult dynamics and you're better off confronting and acknowledging it head on rather than trying to pretend it's not an issue by buying things.

I think its fine to get her a bit extra although I think she will start noticing her sisters family buying more and start to feel left out, I don't know what the solution to that would be just look out for it, but for now buy her what you want.

Yes I think the solution will work for say a year or two but it's not going to take long before you need to help support them both in confronting the reality

Thankyou He's my ex, I barely know his family.

As long as you're not going over the top, I think that's entirely fair and is considerate towards your eldest.

Cross Post.

It doesn't matter, if your youngster's dad doesn't live with you then.

There's nobody to expose your deeds with careless words, inside the house.

You're doing what you think is best and that's all you can ever do.

There's also nobody watching you. You're judging yourself. Criticising yourself. Keep it quiet until you come to that bridge. You've got reasoning behind it and I'm sure you will find a way to explain if you ever do.

It makes sense when they are young but when they are older, will the younger one not notice how much more you spend on her sister. Especially if her family want to give her gifts when she's with them and it's not just one big present pile?

Thankyou I just want to protect them both and for them to have good, stable childhoods. I know how much my eldest misses out on and it kills me when I see the look in her eyes and when she asks why she hasn't got a dad and a nanny and grandad and aunties, uncles, cousins but her sister does and she gets to go to fun places with her family why she's stuck at home with me.

See I think you have to explain it and acknowledge it sucks but it is what it is. Your youngest shouldn't feel guilty about spending time with her family and that's whats going to happen if you over compensate with your eldest

I agree, it feels like putting a monetary value on your children and also wasteful if simply buying for the sake of spending the same amount of £££

I would not feel guilty spoiling the older one a little more in terms of Christmas/birthday gifts so it’s evened out. Also when your youngest is out with her grandparents you can make the most of your 1 on 1 time with your daughter and do nice things with her.

This is how I see it and I try to make our time alone together special.

So when you where 6/7 years old you would be OK with only getting a couple of presents while your siblings got huge piles of presents.

Can I just correct you, your eldest child does have a dad. He may be dead or have no contact with her for whatever reason but she still has a dad. I don’t think you are doing her any favours by saying she doesn’t have a dad. He just isn’t in her life at the moment.