To spend more money on my eldest daughters birthday then my youngest

[Differentstarts]

I have 2 daughters 6 and 3 their birthdays are both next month. My 6 year old doesn't have a dad and only has me. My 3 year old does plus all these other relatives from his side. There's no relatives my side.
I like to treat them both equally and spend the same amounts on them to keep it fair. But doing this my eldest always ends up with so much less as my youngest has this whole other family buying for her. Aibu spending a lot more on her to even it out.
Yabu: you should spend the same on both
Yanbu: You should spend more on the eldest to even it out.

She has a sperm doner he's definitely not a dad

When I was 6 and 7 extravagant birthdays weren't really a thing, noone in my family ever had huge piles of presents, it's not the way I grew up, I suspect my parents would have found it rather gauche

Which would be fine if it was the same for both but not when it's like that for one but not the other

Absolutely agree with this. This is the way to go OP.

Small children don't know the monetary value of things. I don't spend the same amount on mine. My teenager's Christmas and birthdays cost more but they gey fewer presents.

It's not so much about the cost it's more the obvious difference in the amount of presents

Really, really think people are missing the wider issue here. The disparity in their lives and life chances is likely to become more and more apparent to these two girls as they grow up.

This is exactly it and the majority of it I'm not going to be able to do anything about it, but the present thing I can

I would buy them what they both need/ want within reason rather than trying to make it even for the sake of it.
My situation is incomparable as mine are teens so way more expensive than younger children but this year I spent £700 on one of my children (driving lessons) and £150 on the other. They both have the same (useless) dad but I think if they didn't and one got more than the other I wouldn't deliberately spend more on the other to compensate but it may end up happening naturally which I think is fine.
For example child 1 gets school laptop from dad so I buy them new trainers.
Child 2 gets nothing from dad but wants an iPad so I buy them an iPad but then they need new trainers and no one else is going to buy them so I also get the trainers.

I can't get my head round this and I think that's what some of the problem is I couldn't let 1 child have £700 and the other have £150 it just doesn't seem fair

Mine are adults with a 6 yr age gap , I can’t remember any year where they have had the same amount spent on them either at Christmas or for birthdays . We work on the basis that it evens out eventually .

I know several of you are saying you don't spend the same on your kids for presents but surely it's round about the same and your kids aren't coming down Christmas morning to 2 presents while the others have a pile of presents

Maybe you could ask the family not to buy so many presents, say you have no space etc or ask them to keep the gifts for their homes/ her dads for when they see the child?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, this year and the next couple the 3 year old probably wouldn't notice. One way to manage it could be to give the older one money as the extra presents. So there isn't obviously more presents to open from you. If your younger DC goes to their father's that would be a time to take older DC to spend some birthday money. Later, another subtle option is to invite more children to older DC's birthday parties to even out the amount of presents they receive.

YANBU at all to do this.

I think this view is ridiculous, it is treating them equally to want them to BOTH have a good amount of presents to open, it's just the younger one appears to have more people to give them presents.

I think it's a no win situation. I was the sibling with another family and my mum compensated. It wasn't a good family, I felt very sidelined and abandoned by my fsther. It felt like I was being punished for having this shitty family that made me feel like crap. I used to feel so awkward and ashamed opening presents from my other family. I'd feel guilty they didn't buy for my siblings. I'd feel resentful when mum would take things that were mine and give them to my siblings to balance it out (easter eggs and that kind of things, not actual gifts). I had more cheap presents than those siblings, but I had alot alot less spent on me by that family than my siblings from that family. So I had less than one set of siblings, and was imo punished for it. And I got less from my other set to balance it out. I just grew up feeling resentful of the imbalance and injustice. And my siblings still resented that I had another family that they didn't. It didn't fix anything. If anything it put more focus on it.

I don't think trying to balance it out will work. You have to focus on helping them feel secure and confident and not affected by the imbalance of the world.

To be honest my children have same dad / family and I still don't spend the same every year on them. ... There is a 5 1/2 year age difference, they both need different things at different times and neither seem to really know the cost or compare anyway. At Christmas I try to make it the same number of things to open unless one item is really obviously huge for one kid, but if one needs something like a bike, or a phone / laptop for the teen, which are practical items as well as 'fun', and the other doesn't need much this year so just getting toys, I'm not going to buy hundreds of pounds worth of stuff for the sake of it to even it out. As others have says it probably evens out eventually, and the you gest also benefits from all the hand me downs as extra so has more stuff on general than their sibling did at their age.

Admittedly the big gap make that easier as they are used to having such different stuff. I am more conscious of not being to obvious a visible difference at Christmas though, as they are opening sane time. Birthdays I give no thought to how much I spent on the other one that year at all really.

I think in your case it makes sense for you to buy a little more for the eldest or she may always feel like the 'poor relation', but equally I suppose you'll have to be careful how you handle it not to appear like favouritism, eg are you just spending more on sane number of presents in which case youngest probably won't notice, or do you want more things to open to even it out, in which case is it possible to give at the same time as getting the extra presents from family? That sort of thing.

I think the opposite view is ridiculous if I'm honest.

the majority of it I'm not going to be able to do anything about it, but the present thing I can

Honestly, @Differentstarts I’m afraid I think it’s your responsibility to begin to manage the situation - because you already know you won’t be able to disguise it for much longer.

I'm not with the youngest daughter’s dad. We wasn't together long and his family barely know my eldest and don't have any kind of relationship with her … I barely know his family.

What do you want for your daughters, going forward? Increasing disparity and resentment or a harmonious childhood and teen years where they both have a more or less equal shot at life? Toys and books can be shared - but what happens when it comes to sports opportunities, drama classes, music lessons, private tutors for subjects they need help in? What about the chances of attending particular schools? With only three years between them they’ll soon notice disparities in ability to socialise, to buy clothes, to travel with friends, get haircuts, visit distant universities or take work experience at the other end of the country … You cannot have a situation where the younger is given free driving lessons and a car after watching the elder battle through part time jobs to provide for herself …

I don’t know the answer - but you’re going to need to search for one.

Maybe - even though you don’t know your younger daughter’s family - you could arrange a discussion with them where you set out the difficulty. Get them to see (to imagine) how the growing gap in life opportunities is likely to poison your family life and breed lifelong resentment. It sounds as if they love the daughter who is related to them - but are perhaps just a bit thoughtless. Clearly they have no reason to feel any responsibility towards your elder child - but if you set out the difficulty and show them how worried you are about the effect on both girls - I wonder if they might not begin to understand?

With the optimal result being that they start to offer more considered support.

Perhaps taking both children out for day trips or weekends occasionally?

Buying larger things that can be shared. Family National Trust membership, the latest technology, tickets to exhibitions or theme parks.

Paying for or contributing to the cost of holiday cottages or flights and accommodation for the three of you, rather than just taking one child away.

Transferring money to your account (ostensibly for the younger girl) which you’ll all know can be used for the benefit of both.

I don’t say this sort of conversation would be easy. But it’s necessary. Either that or you cut off all contact. That would even things out, too.

See whereas I think the present thing would just be a pity presents because of the disparity. Much better to be open and honest about it

Interesting that you think it's unfair but you don't think it's unfair for one to have a mountain of gifts due to having a big family whilst the other gets only a little.

Both scenarios could be seen as fair/unfair but I think it is much easier to communicate your reasoning for why more is spent on the child with no extended family than it is to explain why all their lives one got a lot more than the other.

OP of course it's reasonable to get the eldest more. I couldn't imagine one dc getting some new clothes whilst the other one gets new clothes plus an iPad, new bike and a trip to Disneyland. That would be cruel

@welshycake

Yes I think the solution will work for say a year or two but it's not going to take long before you need to help support them both in confronting the reality
There is nothing stopping people from doing both
Discussing the situation with everyone so they understand the difference AND spending more on one to balance things.
The conversation is as much with the youngest to help them understand why the OP spends more as it is with the eldest to under why she gets less.

It would be a very unhealthy household where one person is just expected to understand why she gets less all her life. It's way less difficult for the youngest to understand why mum spends more on the disadvantaged sibling.
Equity vs Equality. Look it up.

@welshycake

See I think you have to explain it and acknowledge it sucks but it is what it is. Your youngest shouldn't feel guilty about spending time with her family and that's whats going to happen if you over compensate with your eldest
You seem overly concerned with the feelings of the advantaged Child and convinced it's better for the disadvantaged child to suck it up. Why is this?

@Differentstarts

I can't get my head round this and I think that's what some of the problem is I couldn't let 1 child have £700 and the other have £150 it just doesn't seem fair
But that's a weird what station? Of looking at it. Look at it that BOTH dc got a laptop/ipad and trainers. It doesn't matter who they got them from.
Very few kids are going to say 'it's not fair, you bought sibling an iPad and trainers' when they themselves got a laptop and trainers. I just can't see dc doing this and if they did it's a parenting opportunity to explain to them why.
Your dc are young. They will have countless different needs through life. What if one has SEN and requires private education. Or one has really bad anxiety and needs months of therapy at £100 a week. Are you seriously going to worry about the other child? Different dc = different needs.