Or is this an utterly INSANE relationship

[Calamitycassie]

Hi, long time reader. Made an account to post this as I’m at my wits end.

My DM. Particularly and my Dsis.

DM & I have a long history of a turbulent relationship. She wasn’t great to me growing up - absolutely a story for another thread. Think general nastiness, bitching, selfishness, no boundaries etc.

I have a DS (sis) with a 19 year age gap. Me being the eldest. She is now 14.

My DM is OBSESSED with her. I don’t mean this to say she’s the apple of her eye, I mean genuinely completely and utterly obsessed.

Examples and background:

• DS plays rugby which has became DMs whole personality. I’m talking 7 days a week 24 hours a day. Social media posts, any conversation related back to it, don’t get to see her because “DS is at training” (again, 7 days per week”
• Has essentially de-registered DS from school almost 2 years ago to “focus on rugby” as it will absolutely be her career so school is just a social experience for her (dms words)
• DS trains 6 times away and plays at the weekend, along side: 121 stretch classes 121 speed lessons 121 strength and weight training, sports massages, 121 skill coaching. This is every week and has been for going on 2 years.
• my DM has never worked (don’t ask me how this is all afforded) but is the busiest person on the planet to see my DC or god forbid help out with childcare for an hour or two. This is probably an hour every 2 weeks that she sees my DC. Even then it’s rugby rugby rugby.
• has DS under a mental health team with the previous schools support, meaning that the school has supported her being off school and not doing home learning at all because it’s what’s best for her mental health. This is all down to what DM has piled on to them to get them to allow this.
• DS dad is in the picture and still married to my DM but doesn’t get a say in any of this
• wont allow DS to stay out as she is on a “sleep schedule”, won’t allow her takeaways often, sweets, fizzy drinks, bottled water only (even to boil a kettle for a cup of tea), won’t allow her to be home alone for even 30 minutes. (This is important and relevant), won’t allow her to go out with me and DC without dm being present, won’t allow her to have the odd McDonald’s - and if she does whilst in the care of a family member she has something to say about it. Won’t allow her on days out I.e trampoline parks, as “she can’t risk her getting injured” and best of all, couldn’t take my DB to a very important doctors appointment as “she can’t risk X catching anything from a doctors surgery and getting ill”

now of course it would be easy to say live and let live however this is all severely impacting my relationship with DM. I am finding her insufferable and I am on such a short fuse. Everything is an instagram show. She causes arguments with me and other family members if we don’t attend rugby matches and calls us disgusting for not supporting ds. She has NO time for me or DC and if she does then DS is in tow too (obviously). I can’t have a conversation with her without her bringing DS or rugby up, I can’t have a private conversation about adult things as DS is there (on the phone or in person) it’s just too much. My DC never see their grandparent and it’s impacting the relationship. It’s got to the point I don’t even actually want DC there without me anymore as she starts trying to influence them to also join rugby and banging on about it.

so as not to drip feed, DS is more than happy to be going along with all this and in my opinion plays it like a fiddle as far as school is concerned. She only gets upset about the not being allowed sweets and such. I find her entitled and quite often rude. Undermines me massively as far as my DC are concerned and it’s “well I’m their aunty” whenever I try to discipline them. Sort of a “I’m their aunt so move” sort of tone. DM can’t see any of this of course.

what do I do? If I have it all out with her it will be world war 3 (as history has it) and we will end up NC.

Thanks for reading this far

What is the actual issue?

Your DM sounds weird and manipulative so why would you want her near your children?

You don't sound concerned about your sister at all, which is odd as she is being flogged into the ground for a hobby and missing schooling and I'm assuming friendships and independence.

What is the issue?

Well NC sounds pretty appealing to me. You’re actively getting nothing out of either relationship. Except for your kids getting to see a toxic dynamic and to watch themselves being second best and their mum undermined by a 14 year old little squirt.

I’d be looking ahead to when your kids are older and being one step ahead. It’s fine now when you can prevent them having too much influence on your kids, but what about when they are teenagers and your DS, who seems to quite enjoy using them in a bit of power play already, carries that on? You can whisk away a six year old, not so much a 14 year old whose glam exciting 21 year old auntie has her ear and is telling her she doesn’t need to listen to her boring old mum.

I’ve known one dynamic a lot like this and the one thing my friend (who is you in that scenario) wishes she’d done is cut the link with her kids and the toxic family members before her kids developed their own relationships with them, as they absolutely use her kids to get to her.

Oh and needless to say your DS is a victim here and your mum is appalling, but there’s nothing you can do about that, the only thing I would want to ensure is that I keep big distance between her and my kids, so again, yes to NC!

I sincerely hope your sister will have enough funds to pay for therapy when older. By the sounds of it, she'll need it.

Oh I absolutely care about my DS. It’s just way beyond me being able to do anything about it. She seems happy enough. Why wouldn’t she? She’s paraded around like a trophy, allowed to do what she likes as far as time off/school goes, has a say in everything from where they will or won’t go, holidays, even to what sofa they will or won’t have in the house.

she’s a sweet kid when she wants to be. Just very very mislead but she has 2 parents to guide her it’s not my responsibility and nor can I do anything about it

Why bother? It all sounds exhausting and I’m not sure what you and your kids are benefiting from the situation. It does all sound extreme and dramatic and I imagine life would be quieter without the drama.

The issue is I can’t get through to dm how damaging it is and how upsetting it is for me. She openly says she’s “a different parent” to how I was raised. Yet still makes no time despite admitting her flaws

It sounds tiresome.

No, you won't get through to her.

Can you accept your mum as the person she is, rather than seeking to make her change?

Your sister sounds like the golden child. You can't change the family dynamic.

She’s not going to change. There’s likely some psychological issue going on here (don’t know the background, maybe she’s trying to make up for mistakes she thinks she’s made or something) but it’s probably not one for you to work out.

Focus on how you deal with it and how you support your DS- like seeing your DS regularly in case she decides that she wants out of this shit-show and might like a few GCSEs after all. She may well do exactly this once the novelty of missing school wears off.

Your DM- low contact, don’t be guilted into attending matches unless you want to. If you do speak to her just say you have to go if she starts going on about rugby. Don’t engage with tantrums or social media, just say you’re busy and didn’t see her post/ message/ voicemail. Don’t expect any interest in your kids and- agree with posters above- isn’t this for the best? You can’t have it both ways, if she’s a lunatic with an obsession why an earth would she be someone you’d want babysitting?

I don’t understand why you’d want a relationship with your mum anyway, doesn’t sound like she was a good mum when you were a child, is a good mum now, or is a good grandparent. So just let it go, stop engaging!

It must be really upsetting to see all your mum’s time and energy go into your DS at the expense of you and her GC.

I don’t want to make this about your DS but I’m wondering if she is genuinely a contender for a Team GB spot. If she is, then your DM is being supportive. But if she’s just an averagely good player, then I think she’s crackers.

There could also be an element of your Mum trying to get it right this time. Being overly invested in your DS because she wasn’t a great mum to you?

Is there a way to compromise at all? Turn up for the second half of the match and then go for a coffee/lunch/whatever.

I think it’s “something to prove syndrome” yes.

I can’t see DS regularly as she physically won’t allow her out of her sight. To give context, DS was allowed to walk to the end of the road to meet a friend - in a very safe area - the other day and my DM called me saying she was “shaking” and her nerves were shot she felt sick etc. she was literally walking to the corner and back again.

I can’t even text her, the messages get policed. If I see her and say hi X how are you and my DM isn’t in the room, she will accuse me of not saying hello to DS and argue about it. If she didn’t see it it didn’t happen sort of thing. Yet DS can come to my house with DM walk right past me not say hello or anything and then just expect to be waited on food drinks etc without so much as a hello or thank you. Dm says “well I’ve never seen that happen and if I did I’d correct her” it’s like next level gaslighting.

aside from that she seems pretty pleased with the set up and being off school. She hasn’t been to school since half way through year 7

Honestly I think you do you and let them ( DM and DS) get on with doing them their way.

There isn't going to be a "oh my goodness cassie you are completely right about everything and we'll change" moment no matter what you say or do, they are their own people doing their thing. You won't 'fix' your DM, not now or for past issues. And you'll only drive yourself mad trying.

From now just live your day to day life with your DC, doesn't need any drastic changes just focus on what you can control - your life. Limit contact to manageable amounts, shut down monologues about rugby with an " anyway, back to the here and now" or whatever phrase suits and just enjoy your freedom from all the crap that is your DM's decisions and choices, you're done with all of that so BE done with it. Let it go.

I don’t know much about the sport, but from what I hear she has a shot. However I feel at her age - as with any sport - you can’t possibly tell whether it will be a career or not. She needs a contingency plan. DM won’t hear it.

I think she is trying to get it right this time, but she’s getting it so wrong. There was a lot of body shaming when I was growing up, now it’s the highest praise for my sisters physique which I think is equally damaging.

I'm really concerned that your sister isn't getting an education. How is that allowed to happen? As for her only going to school for social reasons - that's ridiculous. For one thing it's good for children to socialise, but what about her maths, English, science and other lessons?

Honestly, I would report her to social services and then go very low contact. Your mum is completely obsessed with your sister and sounds batshit, tbh.

My local council website has advice on reporting a child not in education. I would start there.

I’ve considered it. DM has basically told a support worker at her school that DS mental health is so bad she can’t possibly come to school, do any work at home etc. support worker has believed the pack of drama and that’s now the set up. That’s the long story cut short. SW just checks in every now and then and school arranges private counselling. It’s all very very strange. She’s suggested I do the same for my DC. Who have no mental health issues whatsoever. Why on earth would I??

The education of your sister would be my biggest concern. Even if she ‘makes it’ women’s rugby has only just gone professional in England and even the highest paid are not paid any kind of life changing sum and their careers are limited till they’re either injured or age 30-35. She will need a second career after the rugby! And likely some GCSEs.

Unfortunately I think your mum is damaging both of you too.

From your last post about policing texts, I can see your sister rebelling and going completely off the rails. This behaviour goes beyond the obsessive drive needed to compete at the highest levels of a sport.

As a side note, I knew a family who only let their kids ride their bikes to the end of the road until the oldest were about 18. Parents were so overprotective. The youngest had a baby at 16 with her sister’s boyfriend 🤣

Your mum doesn’t care about you or your child. It’s that simple.

Just stop. There’s no relationship to save. You need to accept that or you’ll drive yourself mad.

What's she going to do when (in all probability) your DS doesn't become a rugby professional or, also very likely, gets to a point at which she rebels against all this? By withdrawing her from school, she is also setting her up to fail in other ways too. Have you spoken to your step dad about it? What's his take on it all? I agree with you and think it all sounds incredibly unhealthy & damaging.

As sad as it is for your DS, I think you need to withdraw. You are, understandably, very caught up in the drama and you need to extract yourself. Your mum's relationship with your sister is theirs and as social services / school seem ok with the set up (which I'm amazed at but never mind) there's little you can do.

At the same time, thousands of children don't go to standard school or get GCSEs and if your DSIS does become a professional player there may well be post playing careers that follow on from that eg coaching. But right now it's clearly toxic for you, so withdraw.

I genuinely don’t see her ever rebelling. She’s as obsessed with my mum as she is with her. They walking around stroking each others hair ffs. Won’t let anyone else sit next to them when having a family meal etc. I wish I was joking!

I don’t really class him as my step dad as he’s only About 8-9 years older than me I think. He just thinks it’s all madness and shakes his head. Doesn’t get a say. He just pays for it all

Your DM sounds like she has traits of narcissistic personality disorder (but I’m not an healthcare professional) and that she’s living through and feeding her self importance through your DS ‘success’.

I came to this realisation about my own DM last year and have since gone very low contact, won’t leave my kids with her etc as she’s exhausting and I can’t trust her.

If you like to read I recommend the book ‘You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother’ it really helped me heal.