Or is this an utterly INSANE relationship

[Calamitycassie]

Hi, long time reader. Made an account to post this as I’m at my wits end.

My DM. Particularly and my Dsis.

DM & I have a long history of a turbulent relationship. She wasn’t great to me growing up - absolutely a story for another thread. Think general nastiness, bitching, selfishness, no boundaries etc.

I have a DS (sis) with a 19 year age gap. Me being the eldest. She is now 14.

My DM is OBSESSED with her. I don’t mean this to say she’s the apple of her eye, I mean genuinely completely and utterly obsessed.

Examples and background:

• DS plays rugby which has became DMs whole personality. I’m talking 7 days a week 24 hours a day. Social media posts, any conversation related back to it, don’t get to see her because “DS is at training” (again, 7 days per week”
• Has essentially de-registered DS from school almost 2 years ago to “focus on rugby” as it will absolutely be her career so school is just a social experience for her (dms words)
• DS trains 6 times away and plays at the weekend, along side: 121 stretch classes 121 speed lessons 121 strength and weight training, sports massages, 121 skill coaching. This is every week and has been for going on 2 years.
• my DM has never worked (don’t ask me how this is all afforded) but is the busiest person on the planet to see my DC or god forbid help out with childcare for an hour or two. This is probably an hour every 2 weeks that she sees my DC. Even then it’s rugby rugby rugby.
• has DS under a mental health team with the previous schools support, meaning that the school has supported her being off school and not doing home learning at all because it’s what’s best for her mental health. This is all down to what DM has piled on to them to get them to allow this.
• DS dad is in the picture and still married to my DM but doesn’t get a say in any of this
• wont allow DS to stay out as she is on a “sleep schedule”, won’t allow her takeaways often, sweets, fizzy drinks, bottled water only (even to boil a kettle for a cup of tea), won’t allow her to be home alone for even 30 minutes. (This is important and relevant), won’t allow her to go out with me and DC without dm being present, won’t allow her to have the odd McDonald’s - and if she does whilst in the care of a family member she has something to say about it. Won’t allow her on days out I.e trampoline parks, as “she can’t risk her getting injured” and best of all, couldn’t take my DB to a very important doctors appointment as “she can’t risk X catching anything from a doctors surgery and getting ill”

now of course it would be easy to say live and let live however this is all severely impacting my relationship with DM. I am finding her insufferable and I am on such a short fuse. Everything is an instagram show. She causes arguments with me and other family members if we don’t attend rugby matches and calls us disgusting for not supporting ds. She has NO time for me or DC and if she does then DS is in tow too (obviously). I can’t have a conversation with her without her bringing DS or rugby up, I can’t have a private conversation about adult things as DS is there (on the phone or in person) it’s just too much. My DC never see their grandparent and it’s impacting the relationship. It’s got to the point I don’t even actually want DC there without me anymore as she starts trying to influence them to also join rugby and banging on about it.

so as not to drip feed, DS is more than happy to be going along with all this and in my opinion plays it like a fiddle as far as school is concerned. She only gets upset about the not being allowed sweets and such. I find her entitled and quite often rude. Undermines me massively as far as my DC are concerned and it’s “well I’m their aunty” whenever I try to discipline them. Sort of a “I’m their aunt so move” sort of tone. DM can’t see any of this of course.

what do I do? If I have it all out with her it will be world war 3 (as history has it) and we will end up NC.

Thanks for reading this far

OP, you need to drop the rope.

Your DM has some serious pyschological issues. You're right, her relationship with your sister is very weird and unhealthy. However, there is nothing you can do about it.

However, thinking about it and being continually disappointed by your mother is really upsetting you.

I'd recommend going lowest of low contact with your DM and DS. Keep your kids away from that rotten dynamic, it can only harm them.

I'd also recommend getting some therapy with a psychotherapist (registered with BACP or UKCP). Relationships between mothers and daughters will be their bread and butter. It might help you heal and feel less perplexed and confused by her behaviour.

Thank you! I’ve been looking for therapists, all the decent ones in my area seem to have a waiting list sadly

I’d be longing for nc. Ignore them and have a lovely peaceful life.

There is nothing you can do for your sister. She has parents and school and coaches by the sound of it.

Your mum doesn’t have time and attention for you or your children. That’s really sad, but you can’t do anything about it.

All you can do is be sad and cross. And then get over it.
You have dc of your own, that’s where your focus should be, not on trying to get your mum to pick you over your little sister.

I don’t blame you, your mum is very unreasonable, but there’s nothing you can do about that. You can only affect your own behaviour, not hers.

Two words of advice Step. Away.

Good for you!

Get on a waiting list in that case - it'll come around quickly.

You say you've always had a difficult relationship with your mother and that she's been unkind to you. Yet you seem to still be keen to have a relationship with her? She is not going to change and her only interest is your DSs rugby career. You don't sound like you like DS much either. It's clearly a highly dysfunctional family so I'm not sure why you would want your own children to spend time with your mother. For me, going low or no contact is a no-brainer 🫤

Is your sister actually even any good at rugby? You say that you think she has a chance but what level is she playing at at the moment? – with all of this effort and input I’d expect her to be a youth international already, is she playing at county level or just club? it’s also quite an unusual sport for your mum to have decided is going to be her strength but whatever.

Anyway, if your mum has been clever enough to pull the wool so thoroughly over the eyes of social workers and the education authorities then I don’t think you have much hope of improving the situation. She’s happy, your sister is happy and I think your only option is to go very low or no contact and concentrate on your own family.

I know you and your children won’t have a relationship with them then but with the current set up it doesn’t sound as if they would be bringing anything positive to your life anyway.