To think parents encourage SOME little girls to be

[Welovecrumpets]

…quite anxious, needy and delicate?

I have children of both sexes, so have been on quite a few play dates with parents who have boys and girls. I’ve noticed that in the same way some parents dismiss their sons’ unacceptable behaviour as ‘boys will be boys’, some of the parents almost encourage their little girls to be ‘delicate’ in a way they don’t with their sons.

They rush to make a huge fuss of them if they fall over (even if the daughter seems absolutely fine), they always ask ‘awww are you ok?’ if they look anything less than totally happy, they carry them around for far longer than they did their sons, and generally seem to teach them that if they act in an anxious or delicate way they will be rewarded with cuddles and attention. By comparison the boys are brushed off and are encouraged to ‘get back out there and play’. The girls then seem to get trapped in a cycle of being a bit sullen and unhappy as they know it will be met with concern and protectiveness.

I know MN hates are stereotype so please note I said ‘some’, I know it isn’t all or even most. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently and thought it would be interesting to discuss as normally we just talk about preferential treatment of boys.

I was just remembering that. Pink babies were cradled and told they were pretty, blue babies were held more upright so they could see the world, and told they were a handsome big boy.

Everyone knows it's because girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice and boys are made of slugs and snails and puppy dog tails.

The one I remember from school is always sitting with your knees together while the boys could sprawl as they wished, hence "manspreading"

There was the BBC documentary a while back which recorded teachers and nursery nurses playing with toddlers. The researchers had about 12 children aged approximately one year old. They dressed the boys in traditional girls clothing and vice versa. The biased behaviour towards the children shocked the adults who did not realise how sexist their attitudes towards little children manifested in interaction with the toddlers.
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210524-the-gender-biases-that-shape-our-brains

What specifically were you taught?

What is lady like?

You what?

I think my parents forgot to teach me to be ladylike 😂

I haven't observed it so much, but I know there is a lot of research that suggests parents do rush to comfort girls more quickly, and tell them to be careful and not take risks more than they do boys.

Yes but what does it mean, what were you brought up to do?

What does ladylike mean?

There was a slope along which the babies could crawl. The adult could adjust it to any angle. Babies dressed in blue had steeper angles made for them compared to pink babies.

I was a constant disappointment for NOT being ladylike. I still am.

I can’t say that I have noticed a difference in behaviour in this regard.

Yes, of course we socialise children to behave in certain ways from birth. It’s sodding depressing.

Why did you leave the key part of your question off the subject of the thread - it would have fitted?

Was it to force us to click on your thread?

This. Along with bending from the knees, knees together if I dropped something. Unlike my brothers who were allowed to just bend over. Not allowed to drink a pint of anything, even soft drinks. Nails expected to be clean and shaped. Not allowed to burp or fart in front of people.

My brothers were allowed to do all of those.

I agree there are overprotective parents of both sexes and parents who favour one sex over another but that’s not quite what I mean, it’s hard to describe.

Take my relative who has a boy and a girl very close in age (girl is now 7). Whenever we visit the girl is always sat on one of her parents knees, being snuggled and constantly asked if she’s okay as she looks sullen or unhappy. She didn’t used to be like this as a toddler, I’m no psychologist but it seems like over the years her parents have treated her like a delicate flower that needs to be protected and she’s now fulfilled the prophecy. It’s like she knows acting in a vulnerable or sad way will ensure her parents attention whereas running off and playing happily won’t.

And I’ve seen it to varying degrees in a handful of other cases. The girls become sullen and highly strung as they’ve been shown that if they act that way then they will be fussed over and have the upper hand.

I suppose in theory it could happen with boys too but I’ve not seen it, probably because it doesn’t fit the mould of boys being tough/independent/confident.

I wanted people to focus on the ‘some’ because I knew otherwise I’d be accused of generalising, as can be a knee jerk reaction on here.

Just yuck.

Indeed 😕

I have a nearly 2 year old son and a baby daughter. I hover over my son extremely closely because he is keen on hitting and pushing if someone takes a toy he wants or gets in his way. It's for other children's safety and my ability to reprimand him and apologise to injured child and parent. I am obviously working hard to teach him this is wrong behaviour. If my daughter has similar tendencies I will hover over her too. However it is only ever other boys who push and hit my son at playgroups, so far never a little girl. Maybe the girls only do it to the girls? Maybe the girls don't do it as much? Maybe I just haven't come across the ones who do amongst the 20 or so children in out playgroups?
OP I think you're right but I suppose it's hard to know which comes first - do the parents coddle because daughter is sensitive and emotional, or does she become like that because they coddle?

I would say DH and I have very different approaches. You can hear us at softplay, I’ll be shouting “YOLO climb higher and jump” DH will be shouting “sit down and slide off, it’s too high”. I like to think we balance each other out.

I think OP has a point, if she’s had a big bump I’ll check she’s ok, rub the spot and tell her to crack on. I don’t react at all unless she does, normally she just scrabbles up and carries on. DH takes a lot longer to calm her down and she definitely plays up to it more, there will be more pouting and fuss. She’s an extremely robust child so doesn’t need it but I think he genuinely worries that she’ll get hurt because she seems so small and vulnerable to him.

I think that's alright!

Nope. If anything I think it's boys who are fussed over . Little princes.

Hmmm, mine is all grown now but I don’t recall this (DD was born April 2005), tbf if anything, I’d say the little boys were treated more delicately.