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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be able to go out without 3 month old

74 replies

Blackfluffycats · 04/05/2024 13:56

I have a 3 month old and a toddler. My friends have arranged an outing on bank holiday Monday which will mean I will be out all day (from early morning to early evening) I committed to it before my baby was born and my DH was aware.

I would like to go without my baby who I would like to leave at home with DH. Baby is EBF but happily takes a bottle. I have also arranged for DHs mum to stay and help with the two children all day.

although DH has agreed to this he has made a comment about how I shouldn’t have committed to something like this knowing I had a 3 month old baby. I am now not sure whether I am being unreasonable to want a day out without the children? Right now I feel like I am constantly needed by my baby, toddler and DH and would love to do something for me!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Blackfluffycats · 04/05/2024 14:21

Notimeforaname · 04/05/2024 14:15

But why does it have to be arranged so that its "easier" for their dad to look after them? Does he arrange your mother to come when you are due to be alone with the children?

Edited

No of course not. I honestly don’t know why this is the case. It shouldn’t be!

knowing there’s 2 of them does ease my anxiety about leaving the baby though.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2024 14:21

I have a breast pump so will be able to pump :)

That was my question because ouch.

If he doesn't go out it's probably more weirdness than sexism. Which is marginally less worrisome. I think a frank talk that you do like to go out and you will need this is needed.

FlyingPizzaMonkey · 04/05/2024 14:21

Would a man be having this conversation? No.

WonderingWanda · 04/05/2024 14:25

Blackfluffycats · 04/05/2024 14:05

DH really isn’t useless! He was happy to have them both by himself but I arranged for his mum to come to help out to make it easier.

I have a breast pump so will be able to pump :)

I think I’m just wondering whether I should be leaving my baby and whether there’s something wrong with me for wanting to! As a previous poster said they wouldn’t want to leave their 3 month old all day.

Show quote history

I presume your dh leaves the 3 month old all day when he goes to work? Is there anything wrong with him? Honestly op, there's nothing wrong with taking a day off for yourself given how hard you are working right now and your dh is totally unreasonable for suggesting so.

Unfortunately, I had to stay attached to mine all the time as they were absolute bottle refuseds and I can't say it did my mental health a lot of good.

Enjoy your day out!!

Sealover123 · 04/05/2024 14:26

It's one day for goodness sake, you're not going away for a week or a month! Yes he'll have both of them, but will have his mummy to help him. I would be annoyed with my husband if he made that comment. Go and enjoy yourself! You need to take care of yourself and your wellbeing too in order to be the best mum you can.

Ss32 · 04/05/2024 14:29

When my first was 3 months I wouldn’t (lockdown baby anyway!) but with my second, I had a toddler too and it was bloody hard so yes, I would be running out of the door for some me time (and very probably did!). Enjoy!

RedRobyn2021 · 04/05/2024 14:31

Not something I'd ever personally do but it's one bloody day, baby takes a bottle... perhaps he needs to be reminded there are two parents

RedRobyn2021 · 04/05/2024 14:31

EG94 · 04/05/2024 14:02

His mum has to come to help him watch HIS kids. Fuck me over bet you do it all the time on your own! Go out and have a great time. I guess he goes out alone but that’s ok because he doesn’t have tits 🙄

This is also an excellent point that I missed

What a twat he is

MrsAvocet · 04/05/2024 14:33

I wouldn't have gone out for a long day when my babies were that young ,mainly because it would have taken me a huge amount of effort to express enough milk and then I would probably have had to spend a large part of the day out expressing too or I would have at least got very uncomfortable and at worst got mastitis. Unless it's something not child friendly I would have found it easier to put baby in a sling and take them with me than invest all the effort in preparing to go and then potentially dealing with exploding boobs when I was out. I'd have found it stressful rather than enjoyable I think.
But if you can express easily, baby happily takes a bottle and you're confident you won't get too uncomfortable and that you'll enjoy the day then it's rather different. Just because other people feel differently doesn't mean you're wrong to feel the way you do, and you are asking your DH to look after his children, not even alone, for one day, not to give you one of his kidneys.

Cygnetmad · 04/05/2024 14:34

i wouldn't have left my 3 months old all day... but no judgement. Are you going to take the pump? your boobs will explode otherwise.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 04/05/2024 14:35

You're only doubting yourself because of your husband's (deeply depressing, micro-aggressive) comment. Would he feel guilty or think twice about going out? Absolutely not, so why should you?

You want to go, so go. And have fun!

WoodBurningStov · 04/05/2024 14:35

Happy Mum, happy baby. If it makes you happy and you want to go, then go. Nothing to say you have to be attached to your baby 24/7 365. Plus it's just a day! Has your dh been out for the day on his own? Been to work?

RidingMyBike · 04/05/2024 14:36

Do it, perfectly reasonable and he sounds capable. I left mine for a few hours with DH from a few weeks old - perfectly capable of looking after a baby, baby knows both of us really well so no need for them to be permanently attached to me.

I really wish I'd taken a full day at that point. There was someone at my baby group who went away for a whole weekend leaving her 3 month old with her parents. Half of us were jealous, the other half horrified!

LutonBeds · 04/05/2024 14:37

Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 14:11

Excuse me, who says you aren’t “supposed to”?! I actually think at 3 months “the 4th trimester” you very much are “supposed to”. But it’s totally fine if you don’t want to.

your husband needs to man up. I didn’t want to leave my 3 month old and probably would not have enjoyed at all for that length of time but if you think you will then 100% do it, or at least do it and come back if you’ve had enough/miss baby.

your husband should not make you feel bad.

Show quote history

In the not too distant past, OP would’ve been back at work or getting ready to go back.

shepherdsangeldelight · 04/05/2024 14:38

I sort of agree with DH that I would have at least caveated my committment to attending, if I did so before the baby was born.

Whilst my first EBF baby happily took a bottle, my second totally refused, so I wouldn't have been able to leave them for a day when they were as young as 3 months old.

So, whilst I don't disagree that you should absolutely go out on your own if you want and can do so, you couldn't have known that it would have been possible at the point you committed to doing it.

Original poster

Blackfluffycats · 04/05/2024 14:43

WoodBurningStov · 04/05/2024 14:35

He predominantly works from home but yes he has been out for the day with work. He’s actually going away for a week with work soon.

He has been out socialising for a few hours here and there but not a whole day other than for work.

OP posts:

bringmorewashing · 04/05/2024 14:45

It totally depends on you and what you want. There’s no way that you ‘should’ feel. For some mums a day out at this point would do them a lot of good, others wouldn’t want to do it. Either way is fine.

What isn’t fine though is your DH suggesting that it’s a problem for you to go out. Hopefully that was a one-off panicked comment and not indicative of his usual attitude.

As for his mum coming over to hold his hand… don’t feel guilty for leaving him with his own kids! He won’t learn or feel capable on his own if there’s always a woman there to take over when it gets difficult.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 04/05/2024 14:48

Of course you can go out.

Does your DH go out or does he remain at home with you all the time?

Please don't feel guilty. You are still a person too. Go and enjoy your day. Your DH is being a dick.

CaptainCarrot · 04/05/2024 14:51

Of course it's completely fine. I can't imagine why your DH would need his mother to help him take care of his own children. Do you need an extra adult on hand when you are alone with them? I doubt it. And he is being utterly ridiculous to suggest that you've done anything wrong by committing to a day out.

mumonthehill · 04/05/2024 14:52

Go and have a fantastic time knowing your dc are being looked after by a loving parent. come back refreshed and having had fun. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this and for your own sanity make it something you do more.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 04/05/2024 14:52

No there is nothing wrong with you.

Some people on MN won't leave their 18 year old.

Anyone trying to guilt you on this is as big a dick as your DH.

Echobelly · 04/05/2024 14:53

Absolutely you should go, sounds like you've thought everything through, it's not like you're just scooting out the door and telling your DH to just work it out!

I'd tell him that he should consider that no one would think twice about the father of a 3 month old going out, so does it seem fair to suggest the mother shouldn't when the child can be fed without her? I think a lot of the time blokes just don't think this stuff through and when they do they'll realise it's not on.

amylou8 · 04/05/2024 14:56

I went back to work when my eldest was 9 weeks old. Full time, 10 hour shifts, days/lates/nights. DP worked opposite shifts and we managed without childcare, except for my mum doing one day a week. This was 25 years ago, and it was a needs must situation. But one day for a few hours and he needs mummy to help 😂. Tell him to grow a pair and have a lovely time.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/05/2024 14:56

I bet your h doesn’t consider not doing things because of the baby.

Why did you arrange for his mum to be there? Did you have your mum there as soon as he went back after paternity leave ? The first time is undoubtedly tough but practice makes perfect.

It’a perfectly ok for you to go out with a 3 month old. If you were going out every weekend then I’d judge but I think that you should relax, enjoy yourself and recharge.

Out of interest, how old does the baby have to be for your h to think it’s ok for you to go out ?

BuddingPeonies · 04/05/2024 15:14

My boobs wouldn't have survived a trip like that!

YANBU to leave both kids with DH. I think a whole day with a bf baby that young is a bit ambitious tho!

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