To suddenly feel so old and fed up now I’m 40?

[Applesaucelemondrops]

I’ve never been attractive but youth probably got me through in the way it does most people.
Now im old and unattractive and it’s really getting me down. I know it is vain and I should be glad I’ve made it to 40 etc but unfortunately the emotional response to seeing my reflection is urgh and I can’t have photographs taken of me.
I try and dress ok and smile to soften my face but I just look DREADFUL all of the time.
It was quite a sudden downturn… I think maybe I just didn’t care that much before for whatever reason and suddenly I do. I don’t think it helps me in interviews etc to be so ugly. It must be off putting.
I don’t know how to move on and get over it.
AIBU to feel so downhearted every time I catch glimpse of myself? I’m considering Botox and have started saving for a face lift but I think they are about 15-20k so it’ll take a while. In fact I might be dead before I can afford a face lift 🤣

Was there a big emphasis on appearance in your family growing up?

No, well only negatively. My mum would say it was a shame I wasn’t slimmer / taller / had whiter teeth / thicker hair or whatever. As in ‘you’d look quite nice if you are slimmer.’ That sort of thing.
My parents never said I looked nice… but I didn’t so I suppose it would have been a lie 🤣
Now I look at the handful of photos I have of me from 10/20 years ago and thing I looked ok - not pretty or anything but a 4 or 5 out of ten. Not awful.
Now I look awful though.

This sounds like more of a mental health problem than a genuine aesthetic problem. Maybe you're not stunningly beautiful, but I find it hard to believe you're ugly. As Roald Dahl says at the beginning of the twits, if you have nice thoughts it will shine through on your face and you'll always look lovely, can't remember the exact words. Honestly, very few people are genuinely ugly. Have you considered counselling to address this? Your mum clearly hasn't done your confidence any good at all.

I am older than you by over a decade. From my friends, I've seen that the 'natural beauty' of individuals tends to even out as we age. Everyone is more on a level playing field. If you want to present well (and this is not particularly about beauty), you can dress well (use Vinted, take advice, follow Insta people the same age as yourself), always look clean and fresh (wash hair lots, try products, go to hairdressers), wear make-up (tutorials online) and exercise to make yourself feel better. None of us over 50 are thin, young, firm blah blah, but we all look quite nice, well-cared for and good.

You don't need a face lift or Botox to carry on in life, you can if you want and you think it will make you feel better, but it's not some essential thing everyone else is doing and you are not. Out of my friends I know one has had eye bag surgery (very successfully), and a couple use Botox, everyone else is just making the best of themselves.

Now, you don't have to do any of these things to be a valuable person. But if you feel bad on the outside, I tend to feel it doesn't help the inside (in our lookist society), so I've had my teeth done and make sure my clothes and make-up look like 'me'.

It doesn't need to be this drastic- everything has to change/I can't do anything- that thinking doesn't help. Just do a couple of things to make yourself feel better and then go out into the world and plan what you are going to do for the next 40 years (hint, things to do with faces/wrinkles/surgery are usually very boring and doesn't really enhance anyone else's life so don't mistake that for a life's purpose).

Botox rules 😁

When I haven't had it in a while I notice that my brow looks much heavier and I seem frowny. The Botox raises my eyebrows a bit so my eyes seem more open and I look refreshed and a bit more sparky somehow.

I've changed my look entirely since coming into my 40s: at 40 I was fat and frumpy and now I'm neither. I really felt middle age flying right at me so had to do something!

So that’s a yes… there was a negative emphasis on looks. 40 isn’t old.. not really. I think you need to maybe speak to someone about self esteem and self worth.

Also when did you last have a major haircut… new hair, new you?!?

Well I'll be honest, I got to mid 40s looking great, then as peri menopause etc kicked it I started to look like terrible too. Botox and subtle fillers was my friend. (Well so was HRT)

Take that money you are saving up for a face lift and invest it in some counselling. I am the same age as you and I am actually pretty miffed at your suggestion that 40 is old. I feel very much alive, I have a diverse set of interests, I exercise, I look after my physical and mental health and I am planning to go on for 60 more years being amazing vibrant self. Nothing ages you more than poor self esteem and being depressed about your looks.
P.S. I have never interviewed someone and thought "nope, not giving them a job, they look too off-putting" unless they smelled of BO or had a bad attitude.

Wanting a face lift at 40 seems extreme. I'm in the same age range and I can't think of a single friend my age who would need one yet.

There are lots of things you can focus on to look and feel better. Healthy eating, good skincare, exercise, weight lifting, whiten/straighten teeth, keep hair/nails and brows groomed.

A face lift isn't going to fix childhood trauma. Your mum was way out of line with her critical, unkind comments, and that continues to have an effect on you. I would suggest counseling to work out the issues from your childhood.

Reading your second post, it's hardly surprising you feel how you do about yourself. Being told by your own mum that "you'd look nice if you were taller/slimmer/etc is awful. I had similar, was compared to girls my mum knew. These comments during my teenage years have had a massive effect on my self-esteem and how I feel about my looks. I constantly compare myself to others negatively. Doesn't help that I've gained a little weight as a result of a medical condition.

Your mum's comments have modelled your upbringing and made you feel like this. Getting older won't help as we naturally feel worse about ourselves as we age.

Impossible I know, but please try to put your mum's comments out your head, and recognise she was wrong to make comments like that to you. I would never dream of saying these things to my 2 daughters. I am going to assume your mum either had truama herself growing up, or had self-esteem issues herself which makes her think these comments were ok. Happy and secure people don't bring down others.

I am pretty sure there is nothing wrong with your looks. Do things to make yourself feel better about yourself. Book yourself a spa treatment, get your hair and/or nails done, or make up done professionally to give you a boost. Perhaps even speaking to a counsellor might help.

Face lift, botox, and fillers are depressing. Embrace your age. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep.

Do you feel awful though op? Could that be what this is? Ie could you take up a hobby, read a feel good book, get more sleep, get more fresh air, go swimming or running or walking, talk to friends or family more, have a pampery shower or bath etc etc?

In all of that you said nothing about you. What you do, what you have done. It was all about how people, and how you imagine people perceive you.
Morbid exercise but think about your obituary, do you really want your nearest and dearest to stand up and say 'She was always so slim, and she had Botox every year.' Is that really what is most important about you as a person?

What are you on about 🙄

I wonder if you’ve been sucked into the social media etc idea that anyone over 21 is old. 40 isn’t old. Not by a long shot. The way you talk about being glad you’ve made it to 40 is crazy, you’re 40 not 80!

It's obvious what it means. The OP is fixating on her physical appearance rather than getting enjoyment from life.

I absolutely hate the attitude that you're somehow disallowed to be unhappy with your appearance because apparently it all in our heads because of men/misogyny or low self esteem, or being raised a certain way by vain parents.

I often think for me, I feel most unattractive when I feel I have little control over my appearance. Exercise helps, I often think half of my face creams are effective and the other half is me feeling like I'm doing something. Retinol is good, gives skin a glow but takes a little while to adjust to. You don't need to spend hundreds on creams for them to be effective, there's lots of great products now for very affordable prices. I had filler in my cheeks, as I lost weight and they looked very flat. This helped a lot. I also quite like gua sha and face yoga. It might not be effective but at least it feels like I'm doing something, that said some people swear by it and it's harmless enough so probably worth a go.

This is such lovely advice ♥️

Addressing childhood shit goes a long way to helping self esteem. You need to be kind to yourself, what would you say to your best friend if she said those things to you? Be your own best friend.

Also, realise that no one really cares what other people look like despite what social media / TV / adverts tell you. Everyone is too wrapped up in themselves to pay attention to others.

The old adage "those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind" also holds true.

Finally and the one I live by is fuck 'em all, you are awesome.

40 is the new 30

No it isn't.

40 is middle aged for a human living in the developed world.

Only a delusional fool would think they were still a young person at 40.

I'm 40 in a few months. Yes it's middle aged but you can look good. I've made more effort the last year or so. I don't spend a lot on make up and skincare but I make sure my skin is moisturised and I wear primer and make up to give me a glow. Started using Aussie products that have made my hair really soft and make sure my hair is brushed and neat. I've lost a few lbs. Wear clothes that flatter me and aren't 15 years out of date.

I am early 60s and from this angle 40 is young. Looking at pictures now of me at 40 l do look young..obviously compared to now. Exercise is your friend as it makes you feel more confident and at ease with your body. And a new hairstyle. Maybe highlights??
How is the rest of your life. Sometimes l find being busy doing things l love means l have very little time to know what l actually look like.