To be so fed up of my entitled sibling?

[TakesTheCake12]

I've always had a fractious relationship with my elder sibling. She is the type of person who is never wrong, super insecure, sensitive and defensive, terrified of conflict so bottles up any perceived slights/insults (sometimes over years) and hurls them back in your face when she eventually explodes. She's very passive aggressive and generally draining to be around. I'm always walking on eggshells, never sure what she'll take offence to next.

I'm sad that we've never been close because of this. Sometimes I think about laying it all out on the table and trying to forge a path to a better relationship but I'm worried that would mean the end of any relationship.

We live in the same city, after both moving back to this country from abroad, we have DC of similar ages, so there are many reasons to be close. I've reached the end of my tether on this one thing that keeps cropping up.
She and her family don't have a car, they could easily afford one but want to save money and use public transport instead. This inevitably means that I end up doing most of the travelling, if we ever go out for dinner or anywhere for the day it has to be somewhere convenient that doesn't take too long for them to get to. Or they tell me to come to theirs for dinner which I do frequently. They very rarely come to mine as they say it takes them too long on the train/bus, and never for dinner. When I point out that I'm doing most of the travelling, she says this is because I have a car and it doesn't take me as long, so that's fair. Yes, a car I pay for! If I ever bring up how convenient thier lives would be with a car (esp with 2 small DC) it's "we don't NEED a car. We can get everywhere we need to without one. They're too expensive. You spend a stupid amount on your car". She's such hard work, it's exhausting.

There was one incident I haven't been able to forget where one year I was hosting 13 people for Xmas dinner, she and her DH had been invited (pre kids) and she rudely demanded that they be collected, because there was no public transport. I pointed out taxis were running and she told me "yes and that will cost us about £60!. If you won't pick us up we won't come!" I was so furious I was ready to tell them where to stick it but my peacekeeper DP just collected them.

Any advice on dealing with her?

Yes. Make yourself happy. That's it really. Don' do things that piss you off, do do some things when you're not so pissed off.

She has to wear the consequences of her choices, but they don't need to come from you. Just say no to the things that irritate you. When she complains that you don't see her that much any more, say why. She has to suck up the consequences like we all do.

I hate people who don't pay for things but then expect to use other people's.

Why do you run after her ? I wouldn’t. Fuel for your car is expensive!!
offer an invite and if she doesn’t take it then don’t run after her

Offer to meet in town? Not at yours?

I would've told her not to come over the Christmas thing. She is very cheeky to host and also pick her up and take her back.

stop running after her

I think people who don’t drive don’t always know all the costs that go with running a car. So if she’s saying she can’t afford a taxi, you could choose to point out how much the car costs you, tell her you can’t afford to subsidise her choices. So if she’s choosing not to run a car, that doesn’t mean you have to do all the driving.

Maybe laying everything out as calmly as possible would help to reset your relationship?

“We can get everywhere we need to!” “Well do
that then!”
On the other hand, if you go to her house for dinner you do get a (presumably nice) dinner cooked for you.

Don’t invite her for Christmas Day! Public transport shouldn’t be a problem on other days. Or Meet in town/see them less. When you discuss the next get together say, I’m happy to host but you’d have to make your way to us/home again so is it better to meet somewhere in the middle. I’d be happy to drive to hers if that’s easier

Did you husband have to take them home again that Xmas?!

I'm not sure op I think I'm on the fence with this one. You say she's passive aggressive and stores up slights but from your post it sounds like you do the same. The thing you've not been able to let go about the Xmas day lift is an example. Often people struggle with conflict due to what they've been modelled as children. It sounds like you might be more similar than you think in that respect.

If I was going to a friends house and they cooked me a nice dinner I would see that as comparable to the cost of the petrol it took me to get there... your choice to have a car and spend the money on one is yours to make and similarly her choice to save that money and not have a car is hers to make. If you don't want to run after her then don't run after her but be considerate in where you choose to meet so that she can get there without one. Spending £60 on one taxi journey is crazy if you live in the same town. When my family do Christmas we pick up relatives who don't drive or who will want to have a drink with dinner and drop them home that eve so personally I don't see the big deal with that. I'd never expect someone to pay that much for a one way taxi across town so I can completely see why she didn't want to pay that. The running costs of a car are usually spread out over the year and budgeted for but not everyone has £60 lying around for a one off taxi at the most expensive time of the year. I think you need to explore how they'll get places first so for example- dsis we'd love to have you for Xmas Dinner but won't be able to offer a lift will you be able to make it. Then it's up to her to sort, alternatively say that's fine but we're on a budget so I'd need you to give me some petrol money towards the journey. The only issue here really op is that you don't enforce any boundaries, don't tell her what you think and then are quietly annoyed which she probably picks up on but doesn't understand because neither of you are communicating well.

Stop expecting her to be different.
Set your own boundaries and limits and stop getting wound up about things you can't control.

This. Do what suits you, don't do what doesn't. Just say sorry I cant/it's not convenient/I'm out and about elsewhere and don't go. If you fancy going for dinner then do. If you can't be bothered with the travelling then don't. If she says she's sad she doesn't see you more say she's welcome to visit any time.

Sorry but I think you are expecting too much from her and whilst wanting a relationship, you seem to needling her by suggesting that you take turns to host, despite knowing the difficulties that this will cause her in travelling to you.

By suggesting she pay £60 for a taxi, lacks consideration, on a day to day basis she seems able to function without a car.

You say you feel like you walk around on eggshells, as she hates conflicts but will explode, could your actions be triggering for her? If she has explained the challenges in getting to you, why do you expect her to come over, can you not meet somewhere in the middle?

You need to accept that you have different needs and look at how you are communicating with her as this is clearly not making either of you happy

Yes. You’re creating this dynamic. Just suit yourself, rather than getting irritated that she doesn’t behave in the way you would like.

I’m not sure either here, you list her faults, but you seem intolerant resentful and sensitive yourself. They don’t have a car, can’t afford one, and thinking they should get one so you don’t have to travel is really bloody entitled.

if you resent travelling so much agree to meet half way.

Is there a reason you can't meet at places that are easily reachable by public transport for them and car for you?

You're fixing on her lack of car as the issue but it seems like you just don't get on that well. With the Christmas example, it's the rudeness that's the main issue - she's entitled to turn down an invite that doesn't work for her, and you and DP are entitled not to pick her up if it doesn't work for you. You find her hard work and the prospect of being able to see you more easily isn't a compelling enough reason for her to get a car. That's a shame but some siblings just aren't close.

Instead of hosting meet up somewhere halfway in the city that's convenient for you both to get to easily.

If I was cooking at Christmas I'd not be in a position to offer a last minute taxi service as well (unless it was planned in advance for an elderly relative). That's her just being a CF.

She sounds annoying but you seem to be fixating on the lack of car. She doesn't have to have a car simply because you think it will make things easier for you. There are plenty of families who manage without a car. Lots of people find driving difficult/scary.

Does she even have a driving licence? If she does, I might be more sympathetic to your viewpoint but if not, do you really understand what you're expecting of her? Because then it's not just £££ for the car and everything that goes with it, but also ££ for regular lessons, driving tests (which people are struggling to book even 6 months ahead atm) and childcare for her kids during those lessons. It's not an easy/affordable ask for a lot of people and saying/thinking, "Oh just get driving!" is unrealistic.

The reality of her not having a car is that if you want to see her/her kids regularly, you probably are just going to have to do most of the travelling because schlepping two kids around on public transport isn't always straightforward. And although she should pay for a taxi on Christmas so you can have a drink, expecting her to be able to afford regular taxis isn't necessarily realistic - it depends on her circumstances.

So if it's primarily the car thing, then I think mostly YABU. Of course, this might just be a symptom of other stuff in your relationship, but if so you haven't really mentioned this.

The travelling/car issue is all on you. You can say no. You can say, sorry, not coming for dinner. People can only take advantage of you if you allow it, and you're allowing it.

The Christmas one resonates, dh entilted cousin who drives but didn’t want to on Christmas Day as she wanted to drink….

We advised we would collect her however she would need to make her own arrangements home as we were also hosting staying overseas relatives and wanted to also drink..

MIL also had guests stay at hers however could accommodate her to stay at hers however would need to pay for her taxi as there's were already fully booked (7 seater), we called the taxi company however they didn’t have a bigger car, so we booked cousin a taxi for her and her BF.

It would have cost cousin £30 in a taxi to MIL…

She asked /dh/MIL/guests if they could not drink/take there taxi place so she could “let her hair down and enjoy herself” … unsurprisingly they all said No, so she then started badgering me at the dinner table that I should pay for her taxi and constantly make passive aggressive comment’s…

I stood up as had enough, called her out on her behaviour and entitlement, was absolutely furious that she thought she “deserved to let her hair down” more than those who travelled literally to the other side of the world to enjoy Christmas with us!

Cousin said we were all being unfair, crying she only wanted to let her hair down…. I said you can and just pay for the taxi… which she said she didn’t want to as saving up for a designer handbag…. Told her to grow the fuck up and stop being a selfish twat.

I was a few Buck’s Fizz down but for me I’d simply had enough.

For your sister, I’d just make the visits when you want to, she doesn’t get to have it both ways, if she can’t/wont drive then she misses out on relationships/family time/gatherings…

I am one of five children - I have three sisters.

My advice is to choose some really good friends and forge sister-like relationships with them.

You and your sister are very different - you've been pandering to her your whole life. I am not sure trying to change her or trying to change yourself is the answer.

Your only real option is to ask her if she wants to have a closer relationship with you, and if she does, ask her how this would be possible.

Friends are the family we choose.

Stop travelling to see her. Or stop seeing her at all. There is no law that says you have to.

You bet he did.

Firstly, she can absolutely drive. Secondly, she can absolutely afford a car and all their related costs, they choose not to drive, seemingly because there's no real need when me and others in their life just do all the travelling to them so they don't have to. I'm not hoping she gets a car to make my life easier, it would make theirs easier.

You can’t decree someone should get a car just because you think they should. Your problem is that you’re a ‘yes’ person and you resent it, so just stop doing it.

That is good advice, and I think I'm reaching that point. I've tried so hard over the years to improve our relationship, but after 3, going on 4 decades of this I think it might be time to have the big talk.