To be so fed up of my entitled sibling?

[TakesTheCake12]

I've always had a fractious relationship with my elder sibling. She is the type of person who is never wrong, super insecure, sensitive and defensive, terrified of conflict so bottles up any perceived slights/insults (sometimes over years) and hurls them back in your face when she eventually explodes. She's very passive aggressive and generally draining to be around. I'm always walking on eggshells, never sure what she'll take offence to next.

I'm sad that we've never been close because of this. Sometimes I think about laying it all out on the table and trying to forge a path to a better relationship but I'm worried that would mean the end of any relationship.

We live in the same city, after both moving back to this country from abroad, we have DC of similar ages, so there are many reasons to be close. I've reached the end of my tether on this one thing that keeps cropping up.
She and her family don't have a car, they could easily afford one but want to save money and use public transport instead. This inevitably means that I end up doing most of the travelling, if we ever go out for dinner or anywhere for the day it has to be somewhere convenient that doesn't take too long for them to get to. Or they tell me to come to theirs for dinner which I do frequently. They very rarely come to mine as they say it takes them too long on the train/bus, and never for dinner. When I point out that I'm doing most of the travelling, she says this is because I have a car and it doesn't take me as long, so that's fair. Yes, a car I pay for! If I ever bring up how convenient thier lives would be with a car (esp with 2 small DC) it's "we don't NEED a car. We can get everywhere we need to without one. They're too expensive. You spend a stupid amount on your car". She's such hard work, it's exhausting.

There was one incident I haven't been able to forget where one year I was hosting 13 people for Xmas dinner, she and her DH had been invited (pre kids) and she rudely demanded that they be collected, because there was no public transport. I pointed out taxis were running and she told me "yes and that will cost us about £60!. If you won't pick us up we won't come!" I was so furious I was ready to tell them where to stick it but my peacekeeper DP just collected them.

Any advice on dealing with her?

You’re trying to build ‘closeness’ that’s unlikely to happen. Would just see her and her family less, meet part way or at hers, and ask DP not to drive them!

The entitlement of some people is just too much.. Your cousin sounds vile. Well done on standing your ground.

You sound as though you may be like your sister. You are being passive aggressive and now exploding.

Seriously just say no.

The Christmas thing- you made the rod for your own back and your husband's who presumably then couldn't even have a glass of wine with lunch. Oh dear no public transport and you can't pay for a cab. See you next week then. Why on earth would you not just say that doesn't work for us and noone can run you back because we have had a drink.

I would be all for seeing them less, but it would be depriving my DC of time with their cousins, and as someone who grew up with a very small family I don't want the same for my DC. I expect I will have to assert my boundaries more, which will mean they distance themselves from us.

You realise in all likelihood her kids will grow up just as entitled and your kids will mirror your behaviour. You are setting them up for continued misery. Don't bother.

The DP was the one who volunteered to collect them actually, after I recounted this story to him through gritted teeth. I was almost as furious with him for agreeing to get them than with them for demanding we do so. He's the people pleasing type. For whom family means everything, even if that same family treat you like shit.