Husband goes on holiday with his family without me and our baby

[Siamesecatlover]

This will probably be a long vent / rant. My husband and I have a four month old baby - our first child together. My husband is already going away in June this year for 4 nights for his dad's birthday which he and his siblings organised as a birthday present. The holiday is not suitable for babies so obviously neither me nor our baby are going and will have to stay at home on our own while he's there. I said it was fine for him to do this trip without me since it's his dad's 70th and even though it will be a lot of work for me to deal with the baby and everything else back home for that time it's fine. He is also going to a no kids wedding abroad and a stag do both later this year, without me since again neither of those events are baby friendly so once again I'm home with the baby alone but have accepted it since the wedding/stag is for one of his best friends and it would be a shame for him to miss it. Now, if this was it then fine, but he is now saying he and his siblings want to take their mum on holiday to italy next year for her birthday since they now worry its "unfair" of them not to since they're taking their dad away this year. This is despite them already going on a spa trip and theater show with her in London for the day which I'm not going to because obviously i can't bring our baby to that. I said would the Italy trip be something me and our son could join you on but no, apparently they want it to be a baby free holiday which again means I'll be left at home alone with our son while they swan off on this trip. Apparently I am invited if I just come alone i.e. without my own baby. Right, cheers, how considerate of you. Im sure there are plenty of mothers who are happy to leave their babies to go on holiday but I'm not one of them. At least not yet, maybe in a few years but who knows.

I've told my husband it upsets me that him and his family are happy to go on holiday without me and our son despite knowing we would love to join them. He just says "it's nice to have some baby free time" and why don't I want to go and leave the baby etc. Just doesn't see my point of view. My idea of baby free time is the odd meal or day out together, not multiple nights abroad. Also he seems to assume my parents would be happy to have our son for these nights we would both be away, despite not having asked them?!?!

If I was organising something for my parents birthdays abroad I would make sure it included all of us as a family.

This brings me to the end of my rant. Just need someone to tell me I'm not being totally ridiculous.

Yanbu. Why doesn't he want to spend more of his time and money with his new child? My DP would never suggest so many trips away without his child & me. Why can't his family accommodate you all? I presume yours is the only young child in the family?

Would it kill this man to say to his family that he's been away alot from the wife and baby and it's not fair to have yet another trip away and that if he's coming op and the baby are coming too. It's ops baby not theirs , op will manage the baby not them! Op youre also a family member and its perfectly normal to expect your inlaws to be more understating for flip sake. Can there be no give and take???

My son would not have attended 'family' things without his wife and child/ren. Rightly so.

However we would never have planned such a thing.

This! ⬆️ He sounds like a selfish dick. Huge turn off.

You are both parents, you both, I assume, wanted this baby - so why he sees you now not an equal partner but some sort of a nanny to look after a baby while he swans away? Why cant he understand that things are different now and he is a parent, not a single man?

I have been in situations where people refused trips, refused events or asked to change things to suit them because their had a small child - sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't but no one thought it weird or unreasonable. I find it shocking that its considered normal for dads to just do as they please, and for mums to simply give up everything and provide 100% child care.

I appreciate he could go away for a few nights on a stag do but the rest are bollocks, they are family events and should be made to accommodate you both. For example, Italy trip - you would not all be living in a same room, I would imagine, and there would not be a compulsion for you to tag along everywhere, so why cant you go so you can join in at least some of the activities and feel part of this family? You and your baby are being excluded for convenience, and its quite sad that a brand new son and a grandson is seen by your husband and his family as a nuisance, and not a family member to include and cherish, and you are seen as someone not important to change things for to make you join them.

If anything, I would be really pissed off and, in addition, I would arrange a number of holidays away from him, with or without a baby. And then point out to him that having holidays separately is weird and not really something normal families do. He is a selfish dick, OP. Sorry.

I probably wouldn't get worked up about it. The first 3 are entirely reasonable (in my opinion) the fourth you are invited. They are adults events, surely you see why people wouldn't want a 1 year old there, that's a completely different dynamic.
Assuming he is otherwise a good father and partner I don't see an issue.

No one in my family, my own and inlaws would arrange anything like that once we had children in the family. They are not really welcoming you into the family are they. I would stop bothering to engage with them all. I can't believe your dh is happy with your exclusion, that's the worrying bit for me.