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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband goes on holiday with his family without me and our baby

59 replies

Siamesecatlover · 03/05/2024 18:40

This will probably be a long vent / rant. My husband and I have a four month old baby - our first child together. My husband is already going away in June this year for 4 nights for his dad's birthday which he and his siblings organised as a birthday present. The holiday is not suitable for babies so obviously neither me nor our baby are going and will have to stay at home on our own while he's there. I said it was fine for him to do this trip without me since it's his dad's 70th and even though it will be a lot of work for me to deal with the baby and everything else back home for that time it's fine. He is also going to a no kids wedding abroad and a stag do both later this year, without me since again neither of those events are baby friendly so once again I'm home with the baby alone but have accepted it since the wedding/stag is for one of his best friends and it would be a shame for him to miss it. Now, if this was it then fine, but he is now saying he and his siblings want to take their mum on holiday to italy next year for her birthday since they now worry its "unfair" of them not to since they're taking their dad away this year. This is despite them already going on a spa trip and theater show with her in London for the day which I'm not going to because obviously i can't bring our baby to that. I said would the Italy trip be something me and our son could join you on but no, apparently they want it to be a baby free holiday which again means I'll be left at home alone with our son while they swan off on this trip. Apparently I am invited if I just come alone i.e. without my own baby. Right, cheers, how considerate of you. Im sure there are plenty of mothers who are happy to leave their babies to go on holiday but I'm not one of them. At least not yet, maybe in a few years but who knows.

I've told my husband it upsets me that him and his family are happy to go on holiday without me and our son despite knowing we would love to join them. He just says "it's nice to have some baby free time" and why don't I want to go and leave the baby etc. Just doesn't see my point of view. My idea of baby free time is the odd meal or day out together, not multiple nights abroad. Also he seems to assume my parents would be happy to have our son for these nights we would both be away, despite not having asked them?!?!

If I was organising something for my parents birthdays abroad I would make sure it included all of us as a family.

This brings me to the end of my rant. Just need someone to tell me I'm not being totally ridiculous.

OP posts:
Tovacado · 03/05/2024 21:56

And he’s being completely unreasonable to say that the holiday is happening, with or without you. That’s not how a marriage is meant to work. He’s not showing any empathy for your (entirely normal) unwillingness to leave the baby behind.

NachoChip · 03/05/2024 22:09

Something I've found is that some fathers don't realise that life is different now, and that sacrifices have to be made. I say fathers not because it's a man vs woman, but because the mother has all the physical, hormonal and lifestyle changes immediately thrust upon them from day dot, whereas the father has choices. Of course he wants to be a good friend, a good sibling, a good son and be fair to his mother etc.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe you could coach him in this and make him see that people won't think badly of him or that he's letting people down by prioritising his new role as father, and be a supportive DH to you. Is he a people pleaser? Sometimes it needs someone to point out the obvious - other people will continue their lives and plans but he has to learn to say no and not assume you'll pick up the slack every time he makes a commitment to someone else

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2024 22:12

Your husband and his family are shit. At least your "place" has been made abundantly clear, in case there was any confusion.

Crazycrazylady · 03/05/2024 22:21

I seem to be an outlier here but given that his mom's trip is next year (2025) and I'm assuming just a few days I wouldn't get too bothered about it as long as we had lured family holiday as well ie it wasn't instead of .

PieFaces · 03/05/2024 22:21

Take your parents away for a couple of child free nights. Leave baby with him

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 22:24

This lifestyle is absolutely fine but there's an IF....if you both agree that you both want adult time and so to facilitate that you both need to stay solo with the baby whilst the other one goes off on their break. Equal. And for you that means leaving the baby with their other parent for your peace of mind. So, if he gets 3 trips this year, then so do you. Is he on board with that?

Blueplantpots · 03/05/2024 22:25

Let’s see if the OP returns to this thread…

SleepPrettyDarling · 03/05/2024 22:30

This guy doesn’t think it’s important to spend his annual leave with his partner and baby. He doesn’t really care if she goes or not, because he’s alright Jack.

Comingupriver · 03/05/2024 22:31

Is he having an affair? Surely he’s not actually treating you as though your not family?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/05/2024 22:31

@Siamesecatlover does he actually know that he has a wife and a child???? Is he the only sibling with a child? I would not normally say this but in true mumsnet term, he is a selfish b and you would be better off LTB!

Slimeblimeclimb · 03/05/2024 22:33

What makes a holiday not suitable for a baby? I can understand the stag do not being appropriate... but the family holiday... what makes it not suitable?

justasking111 · 03/05/2024 22:34

What awful grandparents, do they spend any time with your baby @Siamesecatlover ?

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 22:41

His carrying on like a single man
His not even acting like he has a partner let alone a baby. Put your foot down and tell him no. This is just not fair Cheeky bastard

Starlightstarbright3 · 03/05/2024 22:47

Does his brothers have partners ? Children ?

IMO if he hasn’t changed with arrival of baby he has no plans to .

Is money an issue ? Does he have any holiday plans for you as a family ?

drusth · 03/05/2024 22:50

He’a a twat whose checked out of family life.

I’m guessing he doesn’t pull his weight with the baby and housework?

ohthejoys21 · 03/05/2024 22:50

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 22:41

His carrying on like a single man
His not even acting like he has a partner let alone a baby. Put your foot down and tell him no. This is just not fair Cheeky bastard

This.. he's acting like a single person. No way is this right. You and the baby are his bloody family!!

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/05/2024 22:56

He really is a selfish twat.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/05/2024 23:18

He's a selfish twat and it seems he's inherited the twat gene from his parents who seem equally happy to keep taking your H away from his wife and child.

Hugosmaid · 03/05/2024 23:20

Wow he is spending a shit load of money on these holidays! Where is he taking you?

Midwinter91 · 03/05/2024 23:23

There’s something wrong with a father who doesn’t mind leaving his tiny baby for a week at a time

WhatDaPoint · 03/05/2024 23:38

Hmm, that is quite a lot but in isolation each trip seems reasonable. Do you go away on your own?

If he goes away do you stay with your parents? When my husband used to go away for work I'd go and stay with my parents when I was on maternity leave and had a great time getting spoilt.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2024 23:53

The problem isn't that the OP wants "baby free time".

The problem is that her husband is an overgrown boy who hasn't noticed that he has a wife and baby and doesn't seem to think he has any reason to prioritise them over his friends and parents.

I'd sit him down and tell him he's taking the piss and that his mummy's boy/ bachelor approach to life has to come to a screeching halt now that he's both a husband and a father.

Tell him he needs to choose. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

See how much he argues/ whines/ protests/ accuses you of being a bitch, etc. Then make your choice too.

QueenBitch666 · 04/05/2024 00:00

You know where his priorities lie. And they're not with you and his child

Angelsrose · 04/05/2024 06:53

Why does he think he can have baby free time as a new Dad? It sounds totally absurd. Did you discuss matters like this before you got pregnant? Did he state it would be all up to you? I don't think the trip with his Mum is at all necessary in view of all the other trips. I'm surprised his siblings haven't pointed this out to him.

Posithor · 04/05/2024 08:11

I'd be booking a couple of breaks away as soon as your not breastfeeding (if you are) or the baby is old enough to be left.

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