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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you contact Father you have never had contact with?

29 replies

Ladyoftheapple · 03/05/2024 18:35

Posting here for traffic.

Would you contact your Father if you had never before?

For context, I am the earlier side of 30. My Mother had me young (late teens) and was due to get married to my Father. However, according to her he changed once she moved in with him and he beat her if the house wasn't tidy when he came home from work etc etc. So she called it off after a tragedy on my Mum's side of the family made her think twice about what she was getting into.

The part that's always been a bit off for me and I've heard multiple stories is that he never bothered with me but I've also on varying occasions been told that My mother told him I wasn't his because they didn't want him to have any custody. I've also heard that my Mum's brother threatened their side of the family to stay well away.

The thing is, thoughtout my childhood I wasn't really bothered. However, now I find myself more curious. He lives about 10 mins away from me (all still in the same town), I drive past his Mother's house every day

OP posts:
TwelveAngryWhiskers · 03/05/2024 18:36

I would want to, personally. Do you want to?

Original poster
Ladyoftheapple · 03/05/2024 18:37

Sorry posted too early

Every day to drop my kids to school.
My Mother has said to me she wouldn't mind if I wanted to say hi to his mother as she's lovely. I realise life is passing me by, she's getting old now (80s).

At the same time, a big part of me has never made contact because I think if I made contact and they completely rejected me then that would be worse than the not knowing 🧐

OP posts:
TwelveAngryWhiskers · 03/05/2024 18:39

What makes you think a rejection would be worse than not knowing?

Createausername1970 · 03/05/2024 18:41

Can you do some digging and finding out if the comments about violence is true or has any basis of truth?

Once I was comfortable that I wasn't potentially letting a violent man into my life, I think I would definitely consider contacting him.

Original poster
Ladyoftheapple · 03/05/2024 18:43

@TwelveAngryWhiskers i just feel like that would hurt more. I just feel like if he wanted me in his life then he should have tried with me. I know I'd fight tooth and nail for my children

OP posts:
Helpfullright · 03/05/2024 18:46

I can’t help as I’m in the same situation! Including finding out I have a step brother who owns a business in my local village. He’s older than me. I have no idea what to do.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 03/05/2024 18:47

OP, I would be in two minds. I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who beat my mum but family ties run deep and if your mum is okay with it I would potentially try and make contact with his mother.

I mean, yes your uncle may have threatened that side of the family but there is no amount of threats that would keep me away from my children so not sure that bodes well.

DanielGault · 03/05/2024 18:48

Ladyoftheapple · 03/05/2024 18:43

@TwelveAngryWhiskers i just feel like that would hurt more. I just feel like if he wanted me in his life then he should have tried with me. I know I'd fight tooth and nail for my children

He's kind of told you all you need to know with his inaction. And re your mum's story, it's a common thing that abusive men properly start the abuse once the partner is pregnant. So her version of things isn't beyond the bounds of possibilities.

Houseinawood · 03/05/2024 18:49

TwelveAngryWhiskers · 03/05/2024 18:39

What makes you think a rejection would be worse than not knowing?

Because rejecting any child is bad but rejecting a child willing to meet you or a child who you were involved with and then stop is unforgivable

my daughters biological father has never had any contact - it didn’t want to be the father to any child.

if she contacted him and wanted to meet him and he said no - he is rejecting her. Given he never supported his child Nor made contact when you were 18 I would cast him off

TwelveAngryWhiskers · 03/05/2024 18:50

Ladyoftheapple · 03/05/2024 18:43

@TwelveAngryWhiskers i just feel like that would hurt more. I just feel like if he wanted me in his life then he should have tried with me. I know I'd fight tooth and nail for my children

I understand. My father's father abandoned him, and it tormented him all his life. But it turned out that there were things going on behind the scenes that he didn't know about, and it seems that he may have tried to contact him but his mother prevented it/threw away letters and cards.

My mum told me some things about my dad that I wish she hadn't. Their relationship was their relationship, and in a way it wasn't any of my business. She has form for making things up so I decided to put aside the things she told me and not let it affect the memory of my dad (he died when I was young).

If you were at the end of your life looking back, would you regret not making contact?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 03/05/2024 18:51

I think I would for curiosity, but with no expectations of having a relationship with him and his family

PurpleBugz · 03/05/2024 18:54

If it's true he beat your mum then her and your uncles actions were to protect you/her. Abusive men often show true colours once they get a woman trapped with pregnancy or marriage so it does add up.

Also how will you know if his version of events is true? He's unlikely to hold his hands up and say yeah I beat her more likely he will blame her. You won't know who to believe. Go by how your mother has treated you growing up- did she do a good job? He could have fought to see you and he didn't that says a lot imo.

I'm biased though as my kids have contact with their abusive dad. I tried to protect them and lost in court. Now after he's won and moved on to his new gf he's drifting out their life. I've not told them he was abusive as I don't want to hurt them (they can see he's not nice by how he treats them). If he completely disappeared then when they are adults and I'd told them the truth they sought him out I would be hurt. Only worth doing it if you think it will be of financial benefit to you

Birch101 · 03/05/2024 18:55

I think I would actually try and find out more about him.

AdditionalCharacter · 03/05/2024 18:55

My story is a little different to yours. I found out as an adult that the man I knew as my dad was not my biological dad. Years later, I met my biological dad, chatted online then met up twice. He then decided, for reasons unknown, that he didn't want to know me after all and I've never from him since.

The rejection was immense, it affected my mental terribly, and I had to have counselling. It hurt more than finding out about my dad not being my biological dad.

Tread carefully, and slowly, if you decide to make contact.

SammyScrounge · 03/05/2024 18:59

What if he really is a wife beater?.I get the feeling from your post that you have clung to the idea that he miight have had some interest in you but that he.was.kept away by your mother's lie and your uncle's threats of .violence. And that may be so. Or it may not.

Ask yourself what you want out of meeting up with him. Do you imagine a golden reconciliation with him getting right into your life and being a proper father? Or are you just curious? Can you take it if he shows no interest at all?

If you do go to see him (and give him warning before you appear at his door) be prepared for either reaction.

AnxiousRabbit · 03/05/2024 18:59

Why do you doubt your mums version of events?
He beat her!
It's no wonder her family told him to stay away and she wanted him to have nothing to do with you.

There is no reason to think he will reject you...but he may manipulate you and try and turn you against your mother.

Greywitch2 · 03/05/2024 19:01

No, I wouldn't. And I actually think it's pretty disloyal to your mum who protected you from a violent man and brought you up alone to now want contact with him.

You've heard multiple stories that he didn't bother - and let's face it, if he lives ten minutes away he could have made contact, certainly once you were 18.

I'd be so hurt if I were your mum and you did this. I think it's a real kick in the teeth for her. It's effectively saying, 'I don't believe your side of things. I bet my Dad was great really'.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 03/05/2024 19:04

I wouldn’t waste a second on a violent man.

Humberston · 03/05/2024 19:09

I wouldn't. People who abandon their children are not good people.

My mother left me when I was a baby, she never tried to contact me and I was told some negative stuff about her as I was growing up. Ignoring what I'd been told about her I traced her and we met up when I was in my 20s.

I didn't like her at all but she was desperate to have a relationship with me. Because I'd initiated contact I felt obliged to keep in touch, until I really couldn't bear to any more. Extracting myself was extremely difficult and I wish I'd left well alone.

bluetopazlove · 03/05/2024 19:10

Well for me it would depend how much they were to give me or perhaps unburden themselves . If the information is for themselves , to just download onto you I would give it a miss .
Don't take the burden of their information to make themselves feel better .

Lambriniwages · 03/05/2024 19:12

This is a really tricky one.
She could of told him all of that to protect you

RedBulb · 03/05/2024 19:15

I was in a very similar situation to you, absent since childhood and I was fine with my life as it was and never searched for him as was wary of opening a can of worms. As it happens he found me, we chatted sporadically from afar and met up after a few years. It’s worked out well for us, the relationship is more like uncle-niece which is to be expected, but I’m glad we have contact and it’s been good to hear his side of things, after all this time, the truth of it will be somewhere in the middle so go into any contact with an open mind and be guided by your own feelings and perceptions.

IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2024 19:17

I would not ever seek someone out who beat my mother tbh. What could he possibly say or have to offer that makes that acceptable?

BoohooWoohoo · 03/05/2024 19:20

I wouldn’t seek out someone violent for the sake of my children’s and my safety.

It sounds like his mother is a nice lady though which makes it hard to know whether to contact her.

Dacadactyl · 03/05/2024 19:21

I would have to know

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