AIBU to be really bothered by this gyneacologist's comment?

[Eachpeachporch]

This week I finally saw a consultant about a birth injury (missed 3rd degree tear) that I sustained 8 years ago, which has resulted in fecal incontinence. I've found it really difficult to get help, as I get super emotional any time I have to talk about it. On a day to day basis I can work around the issue (e.g. working from home) but I have been realising lately how much more I could do if this issue could be fixed. I did try to get it seen to in the early days after the birth, but all the people I asked to double check my undercarriage (2 GPs, a midwife and health visitor) said it looked OK, despite me still finding it painful to sit down until 10 weeks after the birth.

I've given the back story to try to show how big a deal this was for me to try to seek help from doctors, when previously it has not been a good experience. And yet... when being physically examined the consultant felt the need to say "forceps, ventose and c-sections... if we didn't have these things there wouldn't be such an overpopulation problem in the world would there!". I didn't say anything but in my head I was thinking "I'm just bloody glad to be injured and not be dead myself or have a dead baby".

It's really bothered me and bringing up all these old feelings of being dismissed and my concerns minimised - both during and after birth.

Am I being unreasonably oversensitive or not?

In your position - I’d be making a complaint. A 3rd isn’t subtle. It should not have been missed. I’m so sorry, I hope you had an apology?

That consultant needs to have a complaint made against him. Use the GMC. No one should be speaking like that to a patient that they are supposed to be caring for.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

That is so awful and completely Unacceptable. Report him. Well done for seeking help and I hope you get better treatment and can start to feel better.

Are you sure it wasn’t just an extremely bad joke? I can’t imagine why the gynae would say something like that otherwise. It’s literally how he makes his living.

I’d absolutely be complaining about this!

What an asshole. Report.

Sending 💛

Jesus that’s terrible. Both the injury and his comment. He literally said it would be better if you’d died whilst simultaneously belittling your horrible medical issues. I’m not one to shout about complaining about doctors (they’re only human) but I would definitely complain here.

What a disgusting thing to say. I'll bet it was a man. And actually, with birth rates declining so much, that is causing major problems.

He literally didn't.

It's true - were it not for those interventions, many more women and babies would be lost. And sometimes that overshadows the very real injuries that women can be left with.

However, what is important now is what's going to happen to resolve the complications that can result from those lifesaving interventions.

He's made a joke that not enough babies die in child birth? What . The. Fuck?

Report him.

I don't understand what he was trying to say.

I interpreted it as him saying people would be more careful with contraception.

I think the most I would do is to write to him and say that what he said had really upset you and then I would leave it at that. I don't think he meant anything personally do you?

It's just so utterly minimising, isn't it? Was the unspoken message, be grateful we delivered your baby safely and you're just gonna have to suck it up ( the injuries) as collateral damage? Did you give birth at the same hospital as where you went for the appt?

Fucking stupid thing for anyone to say, let alone someone with a medical background ffs. You’re well within your rights to complain.

I hope you get your medical issue treated soon. So awful that you’ve put up with this for so long.

Thats just an awful statement to come out with. It would leave me questioning his eithics and professionalism.

I would lodge a complaint.

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this injury, wait years to get someone to treat it and then have to listen to that!!

This is such a weird thing to say. Do you think he could have meant to say something else but chose the wrong words?

He’s not saying it would be better if the Op had died, he’s saying that because she didn’t die she should be grateful.

The mindset of “well 50 years ago you’d be dead…” is used to silence women with birth injuries far, far too often!

It’s a very odd thing to say. I’m a doctor, and also had a 3rd degree tear, horrendous care at both deliveries and subsequent injuries.

genuinely, I just could never have understood until it happened to me. My friend is an obstetrician who has had 2 easy deliveries and comes out with all sorts of nonsense about labour and delivery and it drives me up the wall. She will never understand. Doesn’t matter how qualified you are, until you’ve had a bad one I just don’t think you can ever comprehend.

if he'd wanted to say that, surely he would have...said that?

anyone knows that by the time you're talking about methods of delivery you're 9 months too late to be talking about methods of contraception! let alone a doctor, let alone a consultant, let alone a gynae consultant!!!!

He was saying that without modern methods of delivery there wouldn't be an overpopulation crisis. Because more women and babies would be dead.
Which is
a) inaccurate, countries with lowest infant mortality/higher death rates are still the ones with overpopulation
b) in many countries in the world we DON'T have an overpopulation crisis, we have (or will soon have) an underpopulation one, or at the least an unbalanced (weighted too heavily to the elderly) one
c) a fucking weird thing to say, even if you think it
d) A RIDICULOUSLY insensitive and uncaring thing to say while vaginally examining one of the women who you are musing wistfully might have died/delivered a dead baby

I don't think there's any point making a complaint. He won't admit he said it.

I think this was it. The message was - there's not a lot that can be done 8 years after it happened. We probably can't help you in this NHS trust but will try to get you a scan elsewhere. I don't think I will report him as I don't want there to be any black mark against my name, especially if it's not going to be straight forward to get help.

The birth injury happened in Cambridge at the Rosie but I live in another part of the country now.

In reply to another poster - yes it was a man. I don't think he was being mean and suggesting me or my baby would be better off dead. It was just careless and thoughtless... which I think is easier for a male doctor to be in this situation.

yes but a complaint would still prompt an investigation
It's a very odd and specific thing for OP to have randomly made up, which would balance an investigator into at least considering it and asking him about it - at which point the onus would be for him to explain how she could have possibly misheard/misconstrued what he said
if he has made other such comments and been complained about before, this will again add weight to a complaint

it's not a sacking offence even if it had been witnessed so, even if nothing else comes of it, being complained about and asked to account for what happened might make him think twice before saying something so stupid again, and therefore saves another woman being potentially distressed in the same way as OP.

And just thanks so much everyone for replying. It's nice to feel heard and understood.

There was a really lovely nurse present too who seemed confused/ alarmed about what he said, although I can't remember what she said in response now.

Please report the comment to PALS it is disgusting. I gave birth at the Rosie in Cambridge twice and had amazing experiences both times. So I’m so sorry - especially vital that the Rosie is supposed to be an example of good practice and is held up as a Beacon. How fucking dare he make that comment - that you should basically be grateful to be alive. I bet if he had a third degree tear in the end of his penis and it got missed he wouldn’t be so flippant as ‘well what you you expect’ he’d be bloody furious

In fairness Mooncup he didn't talk about how marvellous these medical tools are he said -

if we didn't have these things there wouldn't be such an overpopulation problem in the world would there!"

Not appropriate:

So sorry you had this experience OP

What a bizarre thing for the consultant to say, it wasn't even relevant to your examination and had no bearing on the situation. I can't think why he would think it helped the situation in anyway.