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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one.

26 replies

TheGhostsOfMeAndYou · 03/05/2024 15:41

This is more of a what would you do, rather than an AIBU.

So, myself and partner are getting married in August, small ceremony with only immediate family, then a slightly bigger reception/party. No sit down meal or table plans. All fairly casual.

We have sent out invites and apart from our daughter who's 11, and our nieces and nephew (10 and 8) we haven't invited any children.

A friend received their invite yesterday and is invited to the reception only.

They have messaged my partner asking if the kids are invited (we only wrote the adults names on the invite) and if not why, if we don't have a no children rule as clearly our child is there?

Am I being unreasonable? It's my wedding not a kids birthday party, their children are 6 and 1 so a lot younger than our daughter.

What would you say to this person?

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 03/05/2024 15:43

It’s entirely up to you who you invite. Just tell your friend that unfortunately her children are not included in the invitation but you look forward to seeing them on the day. Real friends do not get upset or offended by wedding invitations.

BirthdayRainbow · 03/05/2024 15:44

The wedding is a very small one and of course we won't do it without our children! If you have no childcare then we will meet up with you another time.

OneWorldly4 · 03/05/2024 15:48

I wouldn't even respond to such a silly question.

How rude are they?!

CelesteCunningham · 03/05/2024 15:49

So rude of them. Just tell them you're having family children only, and that you hope they can make it but will of course understand if they can't.

Peonies12 · 03/05/2024 15:50

YANBU.‘it’s your wedding and your choice.

merryhouse · 03/05/2024 15:50

No, we haven't invited anyone whose name isn't mentioned. No, we haven't made any rules for ourselves.

Littleme2023 · 03/05/2024 15:51

Hi ya,

Yeah the invite is just for the two of you. Let us know if the two of you can make it.

Cheers xx

theemmadilemma · 03/05/2024 15:52

My first wedding was childfree apart from my step son and the maid of honors son as she flew in from abroad and her husband walked me down the isle.

If we'd invited other children the adults would have ended up outnumbered!

Your wedding your choice.

LadyDanburysHat · 03/05/2024 15:53

Littleme2023 · 03/05/2024 15:51

Hi ya,

Yeah the invite is just for the two of you. Let us know if the two of you can make it.

Cheers xx

I would go with something like this. I would not be justifying my choice of not having DC except my own.

mindutopia · 03/05/2024 16:09

I would just say that the invitation is for the adults as it's to the evening reception only (assuming you only want the adults). I would just realistically assume that your friend may not be able to make it. I personally wouldn't want to go to an evening reception alone without dh unless I knew a lot of people who would be there and we don't have family help or easy evening childcare available, so we wouldn't be able to come together.

It's totally fine to invite children or not invite children. I think it's pretty clear on your invite that its' just the adults, but I assume that attending might be in issue if she can't bring the dc, which is why she may be checking before she makes a decision. But I have been invited to a wedding before that was 'childfree' but the bride and groom did assume that certain family members would just 'know' they didn't mean our children (there were in fact a lot of children there). Sometimes it isn't obvious. Though she should have asked more politely!

Ponderingwindow · 03/05/2024 16:11

sometimes people do not properly follow the etiquette of naming each individual who is invited on the invitation. Politely asking for clarification about children is not unreasonable so as to not make an error.

your friend asking “why” was not polite. You can still be polite back. Simply state that the invitation is for just the 2 adults listed on the invitation. You hope they will be able to attend, but will understand if that is not possible.

PickledPurplePickle · 03/05/2024 16:12

I wouldn't explain, just reply

'Just to confirm it is you and X that are invited, we are not inviting children'

You don't have to justify your choices

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/05/2024 16:12

BirthdayRainbow · 03/05/2024 15:44

The wedding is a very small one and of course we won't do it without our children! If you have no childcare then we will meet up with you another time.

This.

cheddercherry · 03/05/2024 16:13

Christ how rude are they?

Just reply as above politely and don’t engage/ get embroiled in further debate.

“Yes just the two of you, let us know if you can make it x” I feel like from the tone of their first text getting into the why their kids aren’t invited will just lead to an argument. Keep it simple and direct and they can then decide whether to come or not.

You’re entitled to have whoever you want at your own wedding and with it being so small even 10 kids would be a LOT. It does change the dynamics of a smaller wedding the more kids are there so you’re totally right to just keep it to immediate family.

quietlifeneeded · 03/05/2024 16:23

It's your wedding... you can have there who you like and if you don't want other peoples children the. Just say no!

Lots of people nowadays have this no children rule..

Maybe they are asking to be sure about children as the invite isn't clear?

Toooldtocareanymore · 03/05/2024 16:33

i agree with @cheddercherry even if confused their enquiry doesn't sound polite and seems combative, you don't and should not have to discuss why, but its a reception /party adults milling about no sit down meal - if you were having another type of party, you wouldn't invite babies and 6 year olds, clearly its family only children

SummaLuvin · 03/05/2024 16:36

I wouldn't get into giving reasons or excuses or even bringing up their child care arrangements, keep it factual. Correct, your child/children is not invited. Yes, our child will be there. If you start trying to justify yourself they may start trying to work around your reasoning. Agree with PP they sound like they are being arsey.

utilitarianism · 03/05/2024 16:44

I think asking to clarify is okay; if it weren't for MN, I wouldn't have known that childfree weddings were so popular and might not know for certain, unless it's very obvious in the invitation. But they're rude to (pre-emptively!) challenge you and demand an explanation of your reasoning. Obviously it's simply that you don't want extra kids there, and that's your right.

Strange behaviour among friends!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 03/05/2024 16:47

Clarifying is fine, it's the "if not why not", that is not fine.

What would I say to them?

Hello Dan,
Pinky, Perky and Minnie are coming of course, but we aren't able to invite children of wider friends and family due to numbers.
Thanks so much! Ghosts

Anyone who wants to pile in to someone who's extended them an invitation to a wedding with demands is rude, and I would be keeping them at arms length from now on.

TinyYellow · 03/05/2024 16:50

‘Unfortunately we can only accommodate close family children’

But for a casual do with no sit down meal and no ceremony to spoil, it seems a bit mean to exclude children if it means their parents can’t celebrate with you. Especially as it can’t be an event that is unsuitable for children because some children are going.

cheddercherry · 03/05/2024 16:55

TinyYellow · 03/05/2024 16:50

‘Unfortunately we can only accommodate close family children’

But for a casual do with no sit down meal and no ceremony to spoil, it seems a bit mean to exclude children if it means their parents can’t celebrate with you. Especially as it can’t be an event that is unsuitable for children because some children are going.

I really don’t think it’s mean at a small wedding to not want children to outnumber adults (because saying yes to one rude guest arguing the toss means saying yes to everyone’s kids surely?) Especially children who will probably know no one else there but their own parents? And there’s a major different between the OPs own 11 year old and her siblings similarly aged older children and the potential for toddlers and young kids to be tearing around an intimate space.

Massively overreaching to label it mean? Like the kids would be mortally offended about missing an adult wedding of people they may not have actually said two words to?

CelesteCunningham · 03/05/2024 17:00

TinyYellow · 03/05/2024 16:50

‘Unfortunately we can only accommodate close family children’

But for a casual do with no sit down meal and no ceremony to spoil, it seems a bit mean to exclude children if it means their parents can’t celebrate with you. Especially as it can’t be an event that is unsuitable for children because some children are going.

Depending on the stage of life OP is at, inviting all the DC could easily double the numbers and completely change the vibe. Family children only is perfectly reasonable and very very normal.

FUBAR77 · 03/05/2024 17:01

I’d have to let her dig further to be honest so she can see how unreasonable she’s being. Just respond:

Yeh, just the both of you as addressed.

Then let her ask again it’s delicious

toomuchfaff · 03/05/2024 18:19

FUBAR77 · 03/05/2024 17:01

I’d have to let her dig further to be honest so she can see how unreasonable she’s being. Just respond:

Yeh, just the both of you as addressed.

Then let her ask again it’s delicious

This!!

YANBU

Very rude of them to question you as if your own children being there should mean their kids can come, of course your own kids are going to be at your wedding.

Get a bloody baby sitter and stop bringing your kids to events with alcohol where people want to relax and have a good time.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 03/05/2024 18:32

I would be tempted to respond "no, just the people on the invite" but that's a tad agressive.

I wouldn't use the word "unfortunately" anywhere but it's not unfortunate and don't apologise for not inviting them in any way. Don't mention numbers,budget etc. It's extremely crude of them to ask and you don't need to justify your choices.

Best response is probably- no children will be attending other than immediate family. Hope you & Keith can make it.

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